Success stories are often told with triumph and pride, but there is an unspoken emotion that frequently creeps into the narrative—shame. For leaders, entrepreneurs, and business owners, the journey to achieving goals is not just paved with milestones and accolades; it’s also marked by internal struggles, where shame can unexpectedly show up and cast a shadow over success.
The Paradox of Shame and Success
Shame, by nature, feels out of place when juxtaposed with achievement. As leaders, you’re expected to carry yourself with confidence, make bold decisions, and celebrate your wins. Yet, many high-performing individuals secretly wrestle with feelings of unworthiness or fear of judgment even as they achieve their goals. Why does this happen?
- Fear of Outgrowing Others: When you reach new heights, you may feel as if you’re leaving others behind—your peers, family, or even your team. This can create a sense of isolation and shame, as if your success is somehow at the expense of others.
- Imposter Syndrome: Even at the pinnacle of success, imposter syndrome can whisper doubts like, “Do I really deserve this?” or “What if I’m not as good as people think I am?” This internal dialogue feeds shame, causing you to question your accomplishments.
- Cultural or Societal Expectations: Leaders often come from environments where humility is prized, and standing out can feel uncomfortable. In cultures where achievement might be viewed as arrogance, success can come with a side of guilt, leading to a dissonance between your accomplishments and how you perceive them. This plays a role in women much more than men due to the different expectations of the other roles they play and juggle in life.
- The Pressure of Perfection: For entrepreneurs and business owners, achieving goals often means public recognition. However, with this recognition comes the pressure to maintain a facade of perfection. When there’s a slip, shame quickly fills the gap, telling you that you’ve failed despite your accomplishments.
Why Addressing Shame is Crucial for Leaders
Unchecked, shame can undermine not only your confidence but also your leadership. It limits your ability to fully own your success, leaving you hesitant to take bigger risks, celebrate wins, or inspire others with authenticity.
If you don’t address the underlying shame, you may find yourself:
- Self-Sabotaging: You might avoid certain opportunities, delay critical decisions, or downplay your achievements, all in an unconscious effort to ‘stay safe’ from judgment or comparison.
- Withholding Vulnerability: Authentic leadership requires vulnerability. But if you’re battling shame, you may present a guarded version of yourself to your team or peers, which can lose you trust and connection.
- Overworking to Overcompensate: Shame can drive you to constantly prove your worth by overworking, leading to burnout, stress, and diminished joy in the very goals you set out to achieve.
Strategies for Conquering Shame on Your Success Journey
- Acknowledge It: Shame thrives in silence. As a leader, start by acknowledging that shame is part of the journey. It doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means you’re human. Share your feelings with a mentor or coach who can offer a safe space to process them.
- Redefine Success: Shift your focus from external markers of success (titles, accolades, revenue) to internal measures (growth, impact, fulfillment). When you define success on your own terms, shame has less power.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Shame often comes when we feel undeserving. Celebrating small wins along the way reminds you that your journey is valid and worthy of recognition.
- Shift from Comparison to Compassion: Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on your unique path. Be compassionate with yourself during tough times. Your journey is yours alone, and your success doesn’t have to mirror anyone else’s.
- Embrace Vulnerability in Leadership: Sharing your struggles can inspire your team. Vulnerability doesn’t diminish your leadership; it amplifies it by creating a culture of openness and trust.
As you continue to achieve your goals, it’s essential to recognize that feelings of shame may surface along the way. However, by acknowledging them, redefining success, and embracing vulnerability, you can shift from a mindset of fear and isolation to one of empowerment and connection.
Leadership is not just about driving results—it’s about leading with integrity, self-compassion, and the courage to own your journey, no matter how imperfect it may be. Your success deserves to be celebrated fully, without the shadow of shame.
