Unsolicited Advice #12

Some months ago we started a series in which I share some completely unsolicited advice… if you’re looking to pick up from the beginning, you can do so here, or read all the subsequent posts here.

Long story short (since the initial post was some nine-thousand words): I wrote a book that you can read here; however, instead of leaving it as an e-book that very few people will ever read (it is titled “Some Unsolicited Advice” after all), I figured it’s worth sharing the points and lessons learned in a more consumable format, as a rolling blog series where I add one or two new items every week (or every other week, depending on how much time I end up having), making for quicker and easier reading than dumping an e-book and calling it a day. And in this way, over the course of a year (or less, depending on the cadence), all the points will get shared in bite-size, more easily readable chunks. Today, we continue with the next point of this series…

12. Love yourself.

Speaking of practice, how about practicing this one: loving yourself. Real talk: if you went through a list of things you love and started to name them all one by one (e.g., pizza, pretty girls, fancy cars, mountains, etc.), how far down that list would yourself be? I’m guessing it wouldn’t even register in the top 100, if ever. Let’s try another thought exercise. Flash back to the last time you fucked up at work, school, home, or anywhere. Now think of all the things you said to yourself immediately after it happened. If you’re anything like me, it’s probably something like, “Why the fuck did you do that?” or “goddamn, that was stupid. I’m a fuckin idiot,” and in reality, that’s probably innocuous compared to what actually gets said or thought. Now ask yourself if those are the same words that you’d say to a friend, family member, or co-worker who made a similar misstep? Chances are, probably not. For a friend, we’d remind them that it’s nowhere close to the end of the world, that everyone makes mistakes, and that we’re here to help if they ever want to talk about it. Which begs the question: Why would we treat ourselves differently?

Both of the above exercises are meant to point out how we routinely treat ourselves like trash without even realizing the lunacy of it all. Somehow, treating ourselves like garbage just seems and feels normal. And believe me, I’m amongst the worst offenders in this regard. I pretty openly hate/loathe large portions of myself, which, if you’ve read everything up to this point, you’ve probably seen happen in real-time. But why do we treat ourselves this way? How on earth do we stand to benefit from our negative self-talk? I absolutely get the idea of being hard on ourselves because we have to hold ourselves to a higher standard than we do for those around us. I get that and am 100% onboard, but of what use is it to say criticize myself so scathingly or to overly ruminate on mistakes? When has that ever been productive when talking to someone (yourself included) about trying to change a behavior? Talking to a friend that way (much less, a friend you have to live with) isn’t really going to inspire change.

We can and should push ourselves. But what if we used love instead? Not the love of hippies, endless sunshine, and a whole lotta drugs, but the same love you’d show a friend or family member who was struggling? If a friend is doing something dumb or potentially damaging, we don’t just stand by while letting them self-destruct… We try to help them as best we can, calling out the irrationalities in their lines of thinking and providing help and guidance on the way back. What if we gave ourselves the same care? Accepting, but also guiding.

To be clear, I’m not saying we should love our unhealthy habits or permanently indulge our every desire or whim, all because we “love” ourselves. Instead, let’s try simply shifting the voice inside our head from saying “I hate this fat, so I need to exercise,” to something more positive like, “I love myself, and because I love myself, I want to be the best version of myself. And the best version of myself wouldn’t eat this pint of ice cream, so I won’t do that. Instead, the best version of myself would probably go for a run because I like the way I feel after exercising...” As you can see, it’s pretty goddamn simple but also immensely powerful in terms of creating a shift in our thinking. It’s a small but meaningful change that fundamentally reframes why we do what we do and the motivation behind it.

If we can manage to truly love ourselves, then as part of that, we’ll also simultaneously want what’s truly best for ourselves, which makes every subsequent decision a whole lot easier. Nobody has to tell anyone else that eating a bag of potato chips is worse for the body than, say, broccoli. But why we end up eating that broccoli can make all the difference in the world. If we choke down broccoli for dinner because we hate who we are and life is an awful struggle against everything pleasurable, then we’re probably-definitely going to be pretty miserable. But what if we eat broccoli because we love ourselves and want our bodies to have the best possible food and nutrients so that they can continue to function at a high level, letting us continue doing the things we enjoy doing and allowing us to be even better tomorrow than we were today? We get the same net outcome (broccoli gets eaten) but massively different motivations and worldviews: one is a celebration of who we are and our potential, while the other is an angry, frustrated, and perennially stuck mindset.

Still, if all of this sounds like hippy-nonsense, I don’t blame you, but I do recommend giving it a shot. It’s hard, if not impossible, to do all the time, but even some of the time is better than none of the time. Give it a try. It’ll take work, a lot of work, and there’s no way in hell it’ll be anywhere close to an overnight change where you’ll magically wake up as a changed individual who suddenly loves every inch of themselves. But by practicing (there’s that word again), you can maybe love yourself a little more tomorrow than you did today, and that’s worth doing.

A good rule of thumb in this endeavor is to ask yourself if how you’re treating yourself is how you’d treat a friend. Would you tell them they’re dumb and worthless, fill them full of junk food, and constantly remind them of how much they’re a fuckup? Probably not. So, let’s start there by treating ourselves as we’d treat a good friend. We’re all stuck with ourselves for as long as we’re alive, so we might as well try being a little nicer and maybe even show a little love to the person in the mirror.

One fun (albeit odd) extension of this idea is to also play with the idea of loving yourself, insofar as to even take yourself out on a date. Sure, it’s weird, and undoubtedly it’d be more fun with someone you’re attracted to, but sometimes you don’t have that, or even a friend to do things that you’d like to do with. There is no shortage of times when I’ve not gone places or done things that I would have liked to but didn’t because “I didn’t have a date” or someone else to go with. Rather than lamenting the lonely fact of not having someone else, just say, “fuck it,” and take yourself out. It’s not easy to sit alone at a table in a nice restaurant or even just to be comfortable in your skin—god knows I’m working on this shit all day, every day. But why let that stop us from doing the things we want to do? It may not be as great as you imagine it could be, but doing it alone is better than not doing it all, so what if we did it anyways!

Give it a shot at changing the way you look at yourself, and you’ll find that when you base your actions on the premise of treating yourself as you’d treat someone you care about, you both start to make better decisions for yourself, and also generally treat yourself better.

And that’s it for this round! Of course, if you want to skip ahead at any point, feel free to buy the full book on Amazon here. Thanks!