The Unseen Monster aka The Comparison Trap

How many times does this happen to you?

"You're scrolling through Instagram/Facebook/TikTok/what ever choice of SM you consider your fave one, casually catching up on the lives of your friends and acquaintances. One post features your friend basking on a pristine beach in Fiji, another showcases your former co-worker's dazzling promotion at a top tech firm. A pang of envy starts to gnaw at you. "Here I am, stuck in the same old routine," you think, "while everyone else seems to be living their best life."

This, is the insidious grip of the comparison trap.

This weeks newsletter has been inspired by a conversation I had last week. Where we were talking about how when we log on to various platforms eg LinkedIn we just see people that seem to be crushing all areas of life and we think to ourselves "oh man what can I post? or why is there no change in my world? or even why is everyone crushing and I am not?"

It's a relentless cycle that feeds on self-doubt and steals joy from the present moment. The constant bombardment of curated success stories can make it feel like everyone else is winning, leaving you stuck on the sidelines.

But what if I told you that the comparison trap is a master of disguise? It masquerades as harmless curiosity or healthy competition, but beneath the surface lurks a monster that devours our self-esteem and motivation. Sound dramatic? Maybe. But the truth is, the comparison trap can have a real and significant impact on our happiness and well-being.

Enjoy my take on this feeling we all have and hopefully some of the exercises in this weeks newsletter will help you become aware of the comparison trap.

The Science of Social Comparison: Why We Do It

Our brains are wired for social comparison. It's an evolutionary holdover from our hunter-gatherer days, when gauging our standing within the tribe was crucial for survival. Today, this primal urge manifests in the endless scroll through social media, the yearning to keep up with the Joneses, and the nagging feeling that someone else's success somehow diminishes our own.

Evolutionary Roots: The Social Comparison Theory

Social comparison theory, proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, suggests that we have a fundamental need to evaluate ourselves against others. In our hunter-gatherer past, this served a critical purpose. By gauging our skills and abilities against those around us, we could determine our standing within the tribe. Knowing whether we were stronger, faster, or more adept at foraging helped us secure resources, find mates, and ultimately, survive.

Fast forward to the 21st century, and this primal urge to compare persists. The problem is, our social landscape has undergone a dramatic transformation. Gone are the small, tightly knit communities of our ancestors. Today, we're bombarded with a constant stream of carefully curated portrayals of success through social media. These highlight reels, overflowing with dream vacations, career milestones, and picture-perfect families, create an unrealistic and distorted perception of reality.

The Dopamine Deception: The Reward System and Envy

Social media platforms exploit our evolutionary need for comparison by triggering the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. Seeing someone else's success, even if it's staged or exaggerated, can trigger a dopamine hit. However, this pleasure is fleeting and often accompanied by a surge of envy, a powerful emotion that can erode our sense of well-being and motivation.

The Mirror Neuron Misfire: Empathy and the Comparison Trap

Neuroscience offers another fascinating piece of the puzzle. Mirror neurons, a class of brain cells that fire when we observe an action, are thought to play a role in our capacity for empathy. However, in the context of social comparison, these same neurons can misfire. Witnessing someone else's success can activate the same brain regions associated with experiencing that success ourselves. This can lead to a distorted sense of reality, where we feel the joy of someone else's achievement while simultaneously experiencing a sense of personal failure.

By understanding the science behind the comparison trap, we can begin to dismantle its hold on us. The next section will explore the various ways comparison can sabotage our well-being, and equip you with practical strategies to break free.

The Many Faces of Comparison: Beyond the Beach Bod

The comparison trap isn't limited to the perfectly curated snapshots on social media. It can creep into every facet of our lives, from our careers ("Why haven't I gotten promoted yet?") to our relationships ("Am I good enough?").

Here are some more subtle ways comparison can sabotage our well-being:

• The Performance Paradox:?We become fixated on external validation, constantly seeking approval from others instead of focusing on intrinsic motivation.
• The Joy Thief:?We lose the ability to appreciate our own accomplishments because they pale in comparison to someone else's perceived triumphs.
• The Creativity Crippler:?We stifle our unique talents and ideas because we're constantly chasing trends or emulating others' styles.

Identifying the Comparison Trap: The Tell-Tale Signs

The comparison trap is pretty subtle, but it does leave tell-tale marks. Here are some key signs that you are in this trap, along with practical exercises you can try:

• The Envy Elevator:?A friend's success triggers a surge of jealousy instead of genuine happiness.

Exercise: The Gratitude Gauntlet Challenge. Research from the University of California, Berkeley shows gratitude is a powerful antidote to envy. Start your day by listing three things you're grateful for in a journal. Shift your focus from what's lacking to the positive aspects already present in your life.

• The Downward Spiral:?Comparisons lead to a decline in self-esteem and a negative outlook on your own achievements.

Exercise: The Self-Esteem Boost. Challenge those negative thoughts! When you find yourself slipping into comparison, challenge the validity of those thoughts. Ask yourself: "Is this thought helpful?" "Is there evidence to support this thought?" Reframe negative thoughts into more positive and realistic ones.

• The Inspiration Illusion:?You use others' accomplishments as a yardstick to measure your shortcomings, rather than a source of inspiration.

Exercise: The Inspiration Reframe. When you see someone doing something amazing, shift your perspective. Instead of "I'll never be as good as them," try, "Their success is inspiring. What can I learn from them to achieve my own goals?"

• The High Five Fizzle:?You downplay your wins because they seem insignificant compared to someone else's grand slam.

Exercise: The Self-Celebration Soiree. Did you finally master that challenging task? Did you overcome a personal hurdle? Celebrate your wins, big or small! Take yourself out for a celebratory coffee, write down your accomplishment in a journal you revisit regularly, or share it with a supportive friend.

• The Social Media Blues:?Scrolling through social media leaves you feeling inadequate or discouraged.

Exercise: The Mindful Feed. Our social media feeds significantly influence our mood. Unfollow accounts that trigger feelings off inadequacy. Curate a feed that inspires you, uplifts you, and celebrates diversity. Consider using apps that limit your social media time or schedule specific times to check your feeds.

The Long Game: Building Sustainable Strategies

While these exercises can provide immediate relief, dismantling the comparison trap is a marathon, not a sprint. Here are some long-term strategies to cultivate a more comparison-resistant mindset:

• Know Your Values:?What truly matters to you? Is it financial success, creative expression, strong relationships, or a combination? When you're clear on your core values, it becomes easier to define success on your own terms, not someone else's.
• Embrace Imperfection:?We all make mistakes and have flaws. Striving for an unrealistic ideal only fuels the comparison fire. Celebrate your growth and progress, and learn from your setbacks.
• Cultivate Compassion:?Extend kindness to yourself and others. Remember, everyone is on their own journey, facing unique challenges and opportunities.
• Find Your Tribe:?Surround yourself with supportive people who celebrate your individuality and uplift you during tough times.

Remember, You Are Not Alone

The comparison trap is a universal experience. Even the most successful people struggle with it. The key is to acknowledge the feeling, challenge its validity, and implement strategies to move forward.

Beyond the Individual: Fostering a Comparison-Free Culture

The comparison trap isn't just a personal battle; it's a societal issue. We can all play a part in creating a more supportive and encouraging environment. Here are some ways to contribute:

• Practice Gratitude in Public:?Share what you're grateful for on social media, with friends, or at work. Shifting the focus from achievements to appreciation can create a ripple effect of positivity. This may also change the algorithms to provide you with gratitude filed content.
• Celebrate Diversity of Success:?Applaud the achievements of others, regardless of their path or definition of success. Recognise and celebrate the unique talents and contributions of everyone around you.
• Challenge Unrealistic Portrayals:?Be mindful of the content you consume and share. Call out unrealistic portrayals of success, and promote stories that celebrate diverse journeys and achievements.

Remember getting out of the comparison trap isn't a one-time feat. It's a continuous practice, a daily commitment to challenge negative thoughts and cultivate a growth mindset. It's a process of active awareness, a process of riding and listening to those emotions, a process of defining your values and how they match your emotions. Challenge those self-doubts, curate a supportive online environment, and celebrate your victories, no matter how small they may seem.

Remember, you are not defined by the highlight reels of others. Your story is unique, your journey is powerful, and your potential is limitless.

Ready to take action? Share this article with someone who might be struggling with comparison. Start a conversation about reframing negative thoughts and celebrating each other's wins. Together, let's create a more supportive and empowering online space. Let's break the cycle of comparison and rewrite the narrative of success. It starts with you.

I look forward to reading your thoughts in the comments.

Prajesh