The Unseen Impact: How Childhood Trauma Affects Marriage

As a newlywed, I wondered why there was a steady increase in unhealthy marriages and divorces. I don’t remember knowing any specific cases of divorce as a child, but after I got married seventeen and a half years ago, the number of unhappy marriages and divorces steadily increased. I believe I hit on a theory about it, which I even wrote about in my first book, Zara.

After working for several years as a counselor with hundreds of people across different backgrounds, I believe this theory has now been tested.

There are many reasons why divorce rates have gone up, as well as increases in unhappy marriages. In another article, I’ll write about them, but today, I’d like to focus on the effect of unresolved childhood trauma in marriage.

The key word to note is ‘unresolved.’ Meaning that, if the individual is able to recognize, work through and heal from this trauma, they’ll be fine. The sad part is when the individual is unaware of the impact of the trauma and goes into marriage unprepared.?

A few causes of childhood trauma:

- Physically and Emotionally unavailable parents?

- Divorce?

- Turbulent marriage between parents?

- Sexual and physical abuse

- Neglect?

- Poverty?

- Parental ignorance?

- Financial neglect?

- Distant parenting?

- Bullying?

- Peer pressure?

- Academic struggles

- Verbal abuse?

- Loneliness?

- Parents’? character flaws?

These lead to brokenness on many levels, leading to low self-esteem, lack of vulnerability, skewed lenses, built-up walls, needy and demanding individuals, emotionally unavailable individuals, unreasonable expectations, immature and badly behaved individuals, unhealthy relationships, depression, bitterness, and unforgiveness, to mention a few.

Imagine a marriage with one or two individuals struggling with one or more of the above. Happiness would be a far cry.

As mentioned earlier, unresolved childhood trauma is not the only reason for divorce. However, if one or both of the individuals in a marriage have not come to terms with and dealt with this trauma, there is a danger of repeating past mistakes.

Therefore, your responsibility as a parent? is to make sure that you’re on top of your game so that you create a safe environment for your children to thrive. Otherwise, you may just be repeating or creating a pattern of failed and unhappy marriages.