Unseen Harm

Unseen Harm: The Cost of Betrayal

Over the last two months or so we have explored, only surface deep, the cost and consequences of betrayal. I say, ‘surface deep,’ because we did not even consider political, legal or medical betrayal given the recent graphic events in the legal or medical world.?

I am reading an excellent book suggested to my friend. Geoffrey Cohen’s, Belonging: The Science of Creating Connections and Bridging Divides. Cohen writes about the significant and painful divisions brought about in this world through race, religion, politics, gender and class and suggests ways in which these divides can be bridged. What captured my attention was his comments about our lives and what we bring into each scenario. Listen to his reflections:

Those life experiences are often unknown to others, invisible forces warping situations…students from a harsh family background may bring experiences from home into the classroom…members from minority groups may bring memories of racial insults with them, leading them to see the very same classroom differently…divorced people carry sensitivity from the pain of their experience, perhaps an expectation of betrayal which haunts their new relationships…people who have been humiliated for being overweight in their childhood may carry the burden of shame into adulthood.

These experiences may be different from those who have encountered betrayal in their lives. What connects them, something seldom seen, if ever, is the hidden scars of their ordeal.

The sadness for me is the impact for many has been so catastrophic they may function at a certain level which enables them to hold down a job and may even be successful in their careers, but in the realm of relationships they struggle. I am all too familiar with a couple of scenarios happening often in the counselling room.

First, many will say they are happy not being in a close relationship with anyone, and some are, but a close interrogation during counselling, when trust has been developed between counsellor and client I often hear another story. They want to be in a relationship, but are scared of the closeness and then they pull away. There is a dual tension, push and pull occurring within. Desiring a close relationship but scared stiff to enter into another one. In some cases, scared stiff, being most appropriate.

Second, I have heard this phrase too many times. “Well Delroy, there are people worse off than me.” My response is, “that is true, but my concern here is, what impact/effect is this event having on you?” This opens a whole new vista of conversation, insights, and nuanced understanding about life which before was not visible to the client. Some of course, are unable to get past the hidden harm of the betrayal and live in a way to overcompensate the traumatic ordeal.?

Given the experience of betrayal, and the fact we all, in various parts of our lives, carry? hidden harm, it behooves us to be mindful of how we interact with people. I could hear folks talking about following the Golden Rule, but I would want to push back a little. I would encourage all who are reading this to treat people as though they mattered. I can hear some folks saying, “absolute rubbish, we already treat people accordingly. I beg to differ. Many staff surveys would substantiate there is a general malaise within many work forces. I recall talking to a member of staff when I visited a company down south some time ago after a lock down and they told me how when they were on furlough for nearly a year some members of staff did not receive one phone call from their line manager.

I can hear others too, making lots of noise. “We are a part of the corporate world. It is all about meeting targets, results, outcomes.” That may be so, but in your quest for bigger and better it would be a good idea to take into consideration the humanity of your workforce and just think who this person might be. I am not advocating for managers, teachers, leaders or others to be counsellors but rather we are all mindful of the person who presents themselves before us. Now, what is clear is that we cannot undo, or unhappen their life experiences, but what we can all do is to treat others as though they mattered, so here is the first thing we can do.

Without question, the first thing to do with anyone who has experienced betrayal is to give them time and space so they can talk and we listen. The ability to listen, and do so keenly, is often misunderstood. If we listen well it can be therapeutic for the individual who is talking. You may say, I am so pressured in my work I am really pushed for time. My response, is, may be so, but quality listening could prevent someone going on long term sick, experiencing severe mental health concerns, experiencing burnout, and in a worse care scenario, suicide.

Another basic question to ask someone is, how are you coping with things, and how is your work balance? I recall a friend who told me that on leaving a very secure job because of the levels of stress and so forth her manager confessed to her on the day of her departure, “I was quite willing to keep giving you work, but never once did he ask how? she was coping.

If once they have asked they are not coping what can you do to rectify the situation?

Join me and others on Tuesday 29th August at 7.00 pm to explore this all important topic.?

Looking forward to it.

Delroy