Unseen Battles in the Digital World: Building Workplace Relationships with Heart and Mind

Nearly two decades in institutional & corporate environments have taught me profound lessons on how to build and navigate workplace relationships. Workplace relationships are among the most vital ones, as we spend many hours with our colleagues—in person, virtually, and even consciously and subconsciously in our minds. Especially poignant if we find ourselves unable to let go of negative emotions triggered by Betty in accounting, Tom in legal, or Maria from marketing.

Today's reflections delve deeper into the fourth circle of relationships: your professional ones. Over the years, I've gained tremendous insight into what I might have done differently had I seen the bigger picture within those fleeting moments of tension, uncertainty, and anger. Yet, I harbor zero regret because I firmly believe that our experiences, mistakes, and choices shape us into who we are today.

When we succumb to regret, it is merely our ego attempting to guilt trip us into thinking we could have acted differently. But the truth is, we did what we knew best with the information we had at that time.

Concurrently, I've read stories from others who've shared their experiences and insights on what they would have done differently. Such wisdom has equipped me to prevent rather than cure.

Experiencing life is essential for our human evolution, character-building, and learning resilience. Yet, there are experiences we can do without, and we don't need to repeat the same mistakes over and over again if we can find guidance or inspiration to choose and act differently.

This is what today's reflections are about. They will not dwell on venting, blaming, or discussing bad or toxic leadership and office politics. Instead, they will share my personal experiences and illustrate how the wisdom I have now could have created different outcomes. Then, it is up to you to decide what to do with this information. You might reflect on your own professional relationships, share with someone else who is navigating similar experiences, or simply read with an open mind without feeling the need to take any action. Sometimes, reading for the sake of nourishing our mind is enough.

Reality Check: The World Doesn't Revolve Around Me, It Revolves Around the Sun

In the early years of my career, especially when I was new to my positions and lacking self-confidence, I often felt as if the spotlight was on me—for all the wrong reasons. I believed that people were out to get me, that every comment or feedback was a personal attack rather than a general statement or a viewpoint reflecting their own thoughts. I remember waking up some days, anxiety-ridden after making a mistake in my new job, imagining that my boss must have regretted hiring me, or that others must think I was foolish. I even envisioned specific individuals in various departments having a great time mocking me, even if some of them were living off making fun out of other people's misery. But in essence, I concocted scenarios based on mere assumptions and tunnel vision.

What escaped me at the time was our innate ability to apply reality testing skills—an emotional intelligence marker that helps us separate fact from fiction. Allow me to illustrate this with a personal example.

At one point in my career, I was charged with preparing the big boss for his high-level meetings. Among my tasks was writing concise point papers to ensure he was as prepared as possible. One day, I sent him a point paper but forgot to include a few key points, caught as I was in a whirlwind of multitasking for multiple bosses. When he read the paper, he responded with an email that contained the lyrics 'Jack and Jill went up the hill'. Unfamiliar with the song, I immediately assumed he was angry and criticizing me, overlooking all the successful meetings I had previously prepared flawlessly. This reaction was my hurt ego trying to soothe itself.

I took his comment personally, reworking the paper while the sting of the incident lingered for days. I felt shame for not meeting his standards of excellence and regret for not investing more time.

Fast forward a few weeks to a team lunch where the big boss sat next to me. Despite trying to forget the 'Jack and Jill went up the hill' incident, it gnawed at me. In a moment of relaxed conversation, I asked him what he meant, even confessing that I felt unappreciated for all my prior hard work. He was surprised and, as he had no clue what I was talking about. After a few reminders, we laughed and he explained the meaning behind the song and his good intentions in using it.

It was a revelation. I recognized how many hours, days, and weeks I had wasted trapped in the grip of low levels of reality testing. So much mental energy and time lost, all consumed by something merely going on in my mind.

From that moment onwards, I vowed to leverage my diplomatically Dutch assertiveness skills, seeking clarity at the right moment. This experience ushered me into my next lesson, one equally vital: empathy and timing.

Understanding why empathy and the right timing are so critical is to truly grasp the transformative impact they can have on our actions. Empathy allows us to step into the shoes of others, to see situations from their perspective, and to approach interactions with compassion and awareness. Right timing, on the other hand, provides the fertile ground where conversations and understanding can flourish. Together, they create a more conducive way ahead, nurturing relationships and fostering a collaborative environment that transcends misunderstandings and misjudgments. In a world that often moves too fast, these seemingly simple skills become the bridge to more authentic connections and, ultimately, a more harmonious workplace.

Beyond Feeling: Developing Empathy as a Skill Through Time and Experience

When we feel anxiety, worry, or anger, we often feel an immediate need to release these uncomfortable emotions, so we don't have to endure or grapple with them. We might project them onto others or bury them inside, unprocessed. With this context in mind, let's explore a specific scenario.

For several years, I worked with someone who had high levels of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I'm not here to discuss OCD from a clinical perspective, as I'm not an expert, but I can share how some traits commonly associated with OCD translate into distinct behaviors and influence workplace relationships. This person, who had a heart of gold and truly cared for our team, became one of the managers I am most grateful for. Especially in retrospect, knowing the hidden battles they fought on our behalf.

One of their working quirks was a relentless pursuit of perfection. Every "i" had to be dotted, no spelling mistakes tolerated, papers arranged in a particular order, color-coding adhered to, and even holes punched in a specific way for a folder the boss would never read.

Now, imagine me, the Queen of typos and free spirit, more concerned with the creative and imaginative aspects of work, the bigger picture, and the potential future we could create. Imagine receiving feedback not on my ideas but on my poor grammar or asymmetrical hole-punching. I mean, WTF?

By the way, WTF means "Where is the Focus," just in case you had any other idea in mind!

What I failed to understand was that this was their way of maintaining control to feel safe. Often involuntary on their part, they couldn't help but act this way. I also failed to articulate my concerns and needs before they transformed into feelings of frustration and anger. One day, these suppressed emotions erupted into a tense conflict, leaving us both wounded. We genuinely cared for each other's well-being; we just had two very different approaches to our workload and work environment.

If this resonates with you, I invite you to explore and practice empathy actively. I had a brilliant guest on my podcast last week who offered one of the best definitions of empathy I've heard in a long while. It's a reminder that, at its core, empathy is about understanding, connection, and a shared human experience, even amidst differences that may seem insurmountable. It's the bridge that spans gaps, builds trust, and fosters a more compassionate and effective way of working together.

Being kind and compassionate and pro-social is enormously important. It would be a different world if more people could be and were. And certainly people in positions of influence and responsibility can truly create a better world. Or contribute more to it being a better world, if they can exercise those sorts of things. Empathy is a part of that. And those are a part of empathy, but it's also a different thing. So I look at empathy as something that's fundamentally made of emotions more than intellectuality. It's creative and it's imaginative. It's really, it's about imagining what it's like for another person. Not filtering another person's experience through what you think or how you feel. A lot of things that come under the heading of being empathic are really more empathistic, in a sense. It's a kind of pseudo empathy because it's really moderated by this is how I would think so I suppose you're probably thinking or feeling that too. It's a way of creating an equalization or identification with another. Real empathy is not about you at all. It's about the other person. - Dr. Alexander Stein

Beyond the Task: Working with Human Beings, Not Just Resources

In today's fast-evolving hybrid and remote working environment, it's tempting to opt for the easy route by avoiding difficult and uncomfortable conversations. I'm sure ChatGPT has seen numerous requests to rewrite an email to dodge conflict—or perhaps even incite it. But remember, the more you shy away from discomfort, the more mental stress you're likely to endure. Unprocessed emotions can linger in our minds and bodies until we have no choice but to confront them.

The current landscape, teeming with rapid technological advancements, casts a shadow of uncertainty that many find daunting.

Picture the seasoned professional who has spent years honing a craft, now confronted with the unsettling reality of AI and automation usurping their expertise. The fear of losing not just a job but an identity can be paralyzing.

Consider those struggling to find new employment in a constantly shifting marketplace, wrestling with feelings of inadequacy and despair.

For some, balancing family time becomes a juggling act fraught with guilt, as they are torn between career ambitions and precious moments with loved ones.

Think about the ones consumed by loneliness, working long hours with a gnawing void that work cannot fill. Perhaps they long for connection, a family, or a passion unexplored, and the workplace serves as both a distraction and a reminder of what's missing.

And let's not forget the leaders at the top, whose burdens are often invisible. They face immense pressure to turn the ship around, innovate, and motivate, all while navigating public scrutiny and internal strife. They're blamed for toxic leadership and cultural failings, even as they wrestle with their own self-doubts and insecurities.

These complex dynamics, often hidden beneath the surface, can perpetuate suffering in the workplace. They drive personal grievances and conflicts based on unprocessed emotions, magnifying misunderstandings and resentment. It's a tapestry of human struggle, ambition, fear, and hope, where each thread tells a story that deserves empathy and understanding.

Some of you may think: "Well, thank you, pseudo-psychologist know-it-all Ms. Nadja El Fertasi, for sharing. But these things are personal, and if we don't get justice, we'll continue to experience toxicity in the workplace!"

I hear you. But here's something to ponder: Feel the difference when you approach relationships at the workplace from a place of healed emotional baggage rather than blame and shame.

The shift from a victim mentality—learned helplessness—to a victor mentality—learned optimism—makes all the difference in the workplace. You don't need to be a psychologist to recognize that people are weary of negative energy, nor a rocket scientist to understand that fear-driven work cultures lead to more stress, increased mistakes, and a diminished quality of life.

Moreover, in this digital age, weak workplace dynamics create cracks that online scammers and criminals eagerly exploit to inflict digital harm. It's time to bridge these cracks with empathy, understanding, and a collective human touch.

All you need to remember is that when you speak words of blame and shame about someone else, they're human too. If they've hurt you, retaliating will only breed more toxicity within you. I'm not advocating for excusing bad behavior; that's another challenge for HR leaders and leadership in general to address. But understand that someone's inner world may be void of meaning and filled with pain—a pain you only glimpse through their behavior. If you can, show kindness with strength. You're not a doormat, but a fellow human being, relating to them with heart and mind.

At the end of the day, most of us are doing our best with what we've learned and know. We don't wake up plotting workplace mischief. Most missteps stem from positive intentions, distorted by life's challenges and uncertainties. The more you process your emotions, reflect, and lead by example, the more you show others how to be human in the workplace, enhancing everyone's quality of life and relationships.

Thank you for being part of this community. To those enjoying a vacation, may you truly disconnect and recharge. To those who can't escape, know that even a few hours or a day trip can rejuvenate your mind, body, and heart. The more we practice resetting by disconnecting externally and connecting internally, the better equipped we become to face challenges head-on.

Love, Nadja ?? ?? ??