The unravelling into space

What is it about space that I long for?

Yet, when I find myself in space, I fear it.?

Or rather when I see the space opening before me, I fear it.?

Is it the stepping into the space that creates the anxiety?

Is it the perceptions of what the unknown may bring or not bring??

What is it about space that I fear?

In space there is nothing,?

there is nothing to hold on to.

Nothing to try and control,

no plans to be made.?

No doing only being.

In space I am nothing

and that nothingness is scary.

Even though there is an infinite space?

there is no place for the habitual coping strategies -

the paradox that the conditioned mind struggles to grasp.

There is no repetition of past behaviour.

Nor fantasies projected onto the future.

There is only this moment in space

which brings with it the responsibility to act.

Space is not without movement,

it is full of flow that the mind was conditioned to fear.

There is leeway for real action?

exactly that step I try to keep on pushing into the future

Because what if…

What if I do start to write that book?

What if I do begin to lead from truth?

What if I do allow myself to be moved by the aliveness inside?

What if I do all of this and I still fail?

Then what…

You say trust life?

but

who is going to pay the bills?

who is going to take care of me when I’m old?

who is going to follow me?

who is going to want to listen to me?

who do I think I am?

that life can flow with ease and not the constant pushing into a specific direction

that life can have a pace that is nurturing with a sustainable income

that life can be filled with loving intimacy

that life can be an opening into space?

which it all is?

Which it is if I don’t think,

if I let go of the “I am”

if I allow the unravelling

if I surrender into the unease

if I accept the unknown.

Because,

There is no finding something,?

there is only opening into nothing.

There is no development that needs to happen before this,?

there is only the unfolding of that which is present.

There is no postponement into the future,?

there is only the now.

There is no I that needs to know first,

there is only the inner knowing itself.

it is only in being with the unease that ease flow to you.

So what?

So, what if I never try and

I completely give up trying all together

I allow my fears to hold me tight

I allow my plans to limit me

I stay in the comfort of my knowing

I hold on to my yearnings, my sadness, my desires and projected dreams?

I don’t want to grow or be a better person

I don’t want to have an equanimous mind.

At least I know -

at least I know this discomfort

at least I know what coping strategies doesn’t work and still I can use them

at least I can then be hard on myself and say I should be better

at least I feel part of something how distracting it may be?

at least I can dwell in my imperfection.

However, then I will still be the least bit of me

Isn’t the least bit of me better than nothing?

All this thinking!

The thinking is what creates the separation,

the thinking that I need to be better than I am in this moment.

The thinking that I distract myself too much-

is the distraction.

All this thinking maintains the tug of war,?

between the wiser I that wants to be?

and fearful me that wants to do.

The thing is

There is some-thing inside

that keeps on calling me to be no-thing.

That knows the nothing which it came from

That is inviting me into a space

free of the pushing and pulling of mind-created polarities.

That feels at home in space

That is space itself

The pull is so strong

It stops me in my tracks,

draws me to the ground

and solace my soul in silence.

As I allow the unravelling of “me”

the thinking I evaporate…

Love starts to dwell in the field of connection,

clarity emerges in companion with courage,

the path unfolds

and my heart leaps into it.

- Gretha Cronje