Unraveling You Can't

Have you ever been told you couldn't do something? Maybe it was a direct statement or an insidious implication buried in a well-meaning comment. For successful professional women, these experiences are all too common. These words can become the narrative we repeat to ourselves, limiting our growth and possibilities.

Who Told You You Couldn’t?

In the corridors of power and the echelons of success, there's an unspoken reality that many high-achieving women grapple with — the persistent shadow of self-doubt and the insidious "you can't" narrative. Despite remarkable accomplishments, a staggering number of successful women live with an undercurrent of self-doubt. Studies reveal that even among the most successful women, about 75% have experienced imposter syndrome at some point in their careers.

“A 2022 report from Black Women Thriving (BWT) highlights that a whopping 66% of Black women report not feeling emotionally safe at work. “While I wasn’t surprised by that statistic, it was profound to hear that while Black women may feel they have colleagues they can confide in, they don’t feel those colleagues will actually stand up for them when the moment calls for it,” said Ericka Hines, a DEI advisor and strategist who founded BWT.”? ? ? ? https://hbr.org/2023/05/creating-psychological-safety-for-black-women-at-your-company

But what is the cost of this self-doubt? It's not just a fleeting feeling; it's a state that has profound neurobiological impacts on the body, mind, and spirit. When we internalize the belief that we can't, our body responds — stress hormones like cortisol spike, leading to chronic stress, which can have detrimental effects on our overall well-being. Our cognitive functions are also impaired, as self-doubt hampers decision-making and creativity. Spiritually, it creates a dissonance between our true selves and the persona we feel compelled to adopt.

My Experience

Let me share with you a personal story. At the beginning of my senior year of high school, I was in the college and career office, feeling excited about my future, when the guidance counselor approached me to ask if I needed help, and then sat beside me. With a look of pity and a tone of authority, she firmly stated that it may be a better choice for me to think about getting a job, rather than pursue a college degree. This was her version of help. Just as firmly and authoritative, I stood, looked down at her as she was seated, and let her know I didn't ask for her opinion, nor would I be considering it. As soon as I walked away, doubt began seeping in, I used it as a motivator.

There have been times in my journey when someone told me I couldn't, and I passionately rejected their prediction. Yet, there were other moments when I found myself questioning my abilities. Most importantly, there were times when the person telling me I couldn’t was none other than myself.

It's a familiar story for many women in leadership roles. We too often hear, both directly and indirectly, messages saying, “You can’t.” It can be exhausting constantly having to prove yourself, battling not just external doubts but also those internal voices that echo societal limitations.

But here’s the thing: You have the power to outgrow these old messages. The narrative that once held you back can be rewritten. It's not just about proving others wrong; it's about affirming to yourself that you are more than capable, deserving, and unstoppable.

Today, I want to delve deeper into how this belief not only hinders our progress but also leads to inauthenticity in our personal and professional lives.

The Mask of Code-Switching and Imposter Syndrome:?

When told repeatedly that we can’t, we often resort to code-switching — altering how we present ourselves to fit into environments where we feel our authentic selves might not be accepted. This, coupled with imposter syndrome, can create a fa?ade, making us feel like perpetual outsiders in our own success stories.

Dysregulated Emotions and Unconscious Sabotage:?

The belief that we can’t achieve our goals can lead to emotional turmoil. This may manifest as anxiety, frustration, or self-doubt, often leading to unconscious self-sabotage where we inadvertently undermine our own efforts.

The Paralysis of Procrastination:?

Believing that we’re not capable can lead to procrastination. It's not always about being lazy or disorganized; sometimes, it’s a deep-seated fear of failure or not feeling worthy of success.

The Endless Search for More:?

When we internalize the belief that we’re not enough, we often find ourselves in a relentless pursuit of more — more accolades, more validation, more success. Yet, in this pursuit, we miss the indicators of how much we’ve already achieved and the odds we’ve defied.

Ignoring the Evidence of Your Strength:?

Society, culture, and professional environments may have placed limitations on you, but look back at your journey. Reflect on the countless times you’ve defied these odds. You are here, not by chance, but because of your resilience, talent, and determination.

How do we then, as women, navigate this landscape and transform these limiting messages into a well-lived life that cultivates success without stress?

Unraveling the Narrative

Acknowledge the Impact:?

Begin by acknowledging how the "you can't" narrative has impacted you. Understand that it’s not just a mental state but has tangible effects on your physical and emotional well-being.

Challenge the Status Quo:?

Look at your achievements and let them be the evidence against the self-doubt. Remember, the societal or external voices that echoed “you can’t” were proven wrong every time you succeeded.

Embrace Authenticity:?

Let go of the need for constant validation from external sources. Embrace your authentic self, and understand that your worth isn't contingent on external achievements or recognition.

The Path Forward

For over two decades, I have been privileged to guide high-achieving professional women through a proven process that transforms “couldn’t” messages into empowering narratives. This journey isn’t about just achieving more; it’s about redefining success on your terms and cultivating a life of fulfillment and balance.

Remember, the journey to overcoming “you can’t” is not a solitary one. It's a path we can navigate together, turning “you can’t” into a stepping stone toward greater achievement and personal fulfillment. Some of my work with women just like us includes:

Identify and Dismantle Limiting Beliefs

Identify the root of these beliefs and systematically dismantle them, replacing them with empowering affirmations.

Develop Emotional Resilience

Learn techniques to regulate emotions, manage stress effectively, and maintain a sense of calm and clarity in high-pressure environments.

Foster Mindful Leadership

Cultivate a leadership style that is authentic, mindful, and impactful, allowing you to lead with confidence and empathy.

If you find yourself resonating with this message and are looking for personalized guidance, I am here to help. I offer coaching sessions, joinable cohorts, and consulting services. Additionally, I'm available as a keynote speaker, ready to share empowering insights and strategies with a wider audience. You can reach me by email [email protected] or message me here on Linkedin