Unraveling Pain and People

of months have been a surprise to me. I have reconnected with a person who I thought was toxic. This was not in alignment with who I was. As a survivor of the mean streets of pain, I was a very visceral person and would cut off an infected arm or limb, instead of loving it back to health. It is a strong approach, especially when chronic illness has been such a constant companion. You would suppose that self-love would have been a mandatory staple on the plate.

I believe that pain manifests in the body...that it can sometimes be stored. I believe that we are all walking miracles and the only limitations we face are those that we inflict upon ourselves. In this human realm, people suffer from human behaviors, of believing their perception is right, and in large part, this comes from the need to want to protect and defend themselves, which can turn into a whole other toxic manifestation.

I read a meme not long ago that spurred a different sort of thinking. In my life, I have said fairly clearly: “This person causes pain and so I will cut them out.” And I believed this was all I needed to do. Very staunchly, not allow them closer to hurt me again. I am still a big fan of the adage: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Because there is some truth to that. We can’t be blind when it comes to the emotional place where a person lives. If we receive pain from that person, we must seek protection.

But let’s go deeper. Into the ocean of pain and origination.

What does this person INTEND when they react? Likely, it is to defend themselves, to respond in such a way that they will feel more comfortable and less threatened. They do not live in perfect love for themselves and this is a category we all aspire to live in, the truthful understanding that we all deserve love. When a person strikes out or responds in anger, the pain associated with that person is not that person. The pain stems from their behavior and actions. To think otherwise is to rob them of the ability to be anything BUT pain. To rob them, in our eyes of ever being worthy. And that is pain personified. Even if it is not intentional.

I am not recommending that you seek to pull a person close whose behavior hurt you. But I am suggesting that you can love people from afar and understand that they are in pain when they respond in anger, neglect, or any one of a number of other emotions...all steeped in their own pain.

This is not your journey, love.

This is THEIR journey and you get to decide how close you want to get to them as they come to terms with who they are and their own humanness...frailties. We all have them. But as we are realizing vulnerabilities lead to greater empowerment.

You can use distance to protect yourself from painful behaviors as you love someone from afar, as they wade into their internal work. Your job, our job, is to flex that empathy muscle and to see with compassion that every person responds to a pain stimulus. There is no one else there to protect them who is as deeply vested as they are to their own well-being and so the NEED to protect is instinctual. When this response is conditioned, then it becomes predictable, habitual.

Learning that pain originates from pain was illuminating and enlightening to me. I can see that anger is a mask for other emotions and is meted out when a threat is detected. People want to be peaceful. SO be peaceful.

What a weird phrase to utter, right?

But it is that simple. Adopt peaceful behaviors and turn suspicion to love. Ask yourself: why did that person respond that way? What are they trying to protect themselves from? It might be that they perceive you to be a threat and that’s okay. You can’t change another person’s perception. All you can do is control your response. But you can HEAR when your behavior sparks the fear of threat in another. Then you can change it.

to be peaceful?

• Don’t get baited into arguments.
• Don’t assume you know anything else about the person whose behavior hurt you.
• Don’t respond in anger and know you don’t even need to understand another person’s behavior to accept it. 
• Accept what is received and then make a decision as to what you will do about it. Remember, doing nothing is an option. 
• Return to joy. I don’t know one person out there who enjoys drama. Instead, they might like the feeling of attention it brings to their life.
• Get closure over your distance with other people and let that closure exist calmly in your heart. Distance does not mean the absence of love.
• Accept that people have limitations. Loving someone is messy and sometimes hurts. We all have different tools to engage in our relationships. Some people may have a greater acceptance and level of forgiveness in their hearts. I believe these people are further along in their journey...for whatever reason: experience, the desire to know more.

The truth is you might not be able to handle being close and you might also fall into predictable patterns with each other that are incredibly difficult to resist. You might be overly sensitive, have no faith that you are safe in the relationship and although you are aware of these realities, you still might not be ready to deal with them. Maybe you have not done the internal work to allow the people whose behaviors trigger you back into your life without backsliding. 

You know what? As long as you are taking care of yourself, that’s perfectly .

You don’t want to live with a cold heart and unresolved anger or pain. Understand we all have limitations in dealing with emotions. That some people cannot and will not accept you. That’s . It’s not even your business. It is theirs and it says nothing of your worth. 

It also does not matter their earthly position or title. Mother, father, siblings, etc. No one person is allowed more weight than the other, implying you must suffer through pain because society says they are supposed to be close to you.

It is not when every single damaged relationship is repaired that you are healed.

It is when you can live in serenity with yourself, your decisions and your responses that you will find peace from pain.

We have to live with pain and we will feel it again and again. We have to live with disappointment and be shocked to learn after so many hits, we can still hurt. But we need to know our responses and practice them, not to levy a painful arrow at someone else when we wince at pain, but to unravel the source of the pain and to empower us to know...that pain has NOTHING to do with you. That pain has everything to do with a wounded human. You don’t get to control responses or feelings in another person, and it is not your job to resolve for them how to release true pain. You get to love people and work on understanding their struggles and be loving in response to what they can’t let go...because. In their minds, it is a protection. But you can do this without even being in touch with them. And you can do this as you work on your own challenges.

As you seek to understand more, know your responsibility is to love. It is not to respond, to one-up, to bury, or invalidate the pain of the other. You don’t even have to be in the same room or state to do this...this is you and for you to do. This is what will set you free. You don’t win when you finally entomb someone in such unbelievable pain that they can’t get up. You win, when you can look at another person and think about their response while sending them love and the hope they will stop hurting.

When you get tired of being angry, sad, disappointed and living in disbelief that people can hurt you, you will move forward.

You will be set free from your own pain with a new kind of understanding.

Hurt people hurt people. Sometimes people can’t move on. This is not your restriction. It is theirs. Keep reaching for and living in your light. Keep expanding your own epiphanies and your burdens will lift. When you allow yourself to do this, the time from when you started to unburden the pain to your fresh state and start of lightness and distilled purpose will come quickly. Don’t be afraid to jump right in and reap the benefits and gifts of being weightless and unrestrained. This is the best way for you to feel and so you SHOULD welcome it into your life. You SHOULD know you DO have all the right in the universe to be there, live there, and love there.

And when I say you...I mean .

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