Unpacking Self advocacy

Self-advocacy—that is, speaking for and believing in yourself—is a crucial component of a growth mindset. I was recently invited to join a talk on career advancement for ColorComm, and over the course of the conversation I thought about how hard it can be for women of color to embrace self-advocacy.

I’ve built my career in HR over the past 16 years, and as an HR leader at Microsoft, I’ve given numerous talks about overcoming fear and advocating for yourself. Yet, I myself am not free of self-doubt, and I’m not sure I ever will be. It’s a part of being human, and it’s part of the unwritten social norms and rules of the culture I grew up in.

“Be selfless” is often what I heard and what was taught from a young age. And while there is so much goodness to it, it also somehow means, be less of yourself - and that is what I took away. Asking for yourself, putting self-first was a taboo, a total no-no. What I have come to realize is before I show kindness and give grace to others, I need to also attend to me – Priya – and treat her with the same level of grace, kindness, and respect. I want to nurture my self-advocacy in a way that lets me live my best life, continue to grow and teach my son by example that it’s okay to be both selfless and selfish.

It was my grandfather back in India who first taught me not to let the expectations of others box me in. While others were getting degrees in engineering, I followed my heart and studied human resources. It wasn’t the expected path, but it was my path, and one I truly believed in.

It still takes conscious effort to believe in myself. Women are taught that we should be quiet, timid, and selfless. We’re our own worst critics; even now, I hear my inner voice saying, how dare you, your job is to be polite, you’re too ambitious. But I’ve learned that you must fight for your spot, because if you don’t have a seat at the table, you’re on the menu. This goes double for someone in a leadership position like me—after all, how can I empower my team if I can’t empower myself? Aren’t we supposed to model and wear the oxygen mask first?

Of course, it’s easy to make broad statements like “think for yourself and ignore self-doubt.” What about some practical advice on how to be less of a self-critic and more of a self-champion? I believe the process is simpler than we expect, and it starts with three steps.

The first is discovery or finding your purpose. I knew that I wouldn’t be happy as an engineer even if it was the “expected” career path, and I’m thankful that I had my grandfather’s words in the back of my head, reminding me that I need to live for myself before I could live for others. By looking inward for your purpose, you can better identify what you want and chart a path toward achieving it.

The next step is connection, that is, the power of networking. Surround yourself with those who will support you and be sure to support them in turn. Cultivate a community, whether at home or in the office; the members of that community will be able to see your essence better than you can yourself, and they’ll be there to help when your brain is fighting you.

Lastly, there is growth, and that doesn’t always mean the next vertical job. In my many years at Microsoft, I’ve looked off the beaten path for new experiences countless times, including those that may have made me nervous or anxious. Not all my attempts were successful, but that’s okay. In a lot of ways, it was the failures that really shaped who I am today. I learned to say “yes” to the things that scared me, which allowed me to expand my horizons and conquer my fear of failure.

Self-advocacy, overcoming fear and being kind to myself will always be a process and a life long journey for me. But one day at a time, I’ve come to believe in my abilities, be more accepting of my strengths and ambitions, and I am hopeful this foundation and inner strength will prevent me from fading away in the background and instead allow me to flourish. And while I don’t have all the answers, I believe that by discovering who we are and what we want out of life, we will all get closer to overcoming self-doubt and focusing on the things that matter most.