Unpacking Failure

Yesterday I jumped for joy with my eldest (everyone does for A Levels) as she discovered she had got into the university of her choice. After a sleepless night she woke in the morning to an email confirming she had been accepted.

She is a smart cookie and I had a lot of hope that she would get in, but I was also prepared for the worst case scenario that it might not have happened. Not through any fault of her own but that given the popularity of her course (she is doing Film Production and Cinematography) that it was very possible she might not have gotten in. This is life. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and as a Dad I had a backup plan in place to console her, work through clearing for alternatives or be there as a shoulder to cry on.
Fortunately plan A worked and I had nothing to fear.

Following our personal celebration, I shared this success with our friends through Whatsapp. Who even calls and texts anymore anyway? Pfft.

I then shared my joy of her being accepted on to her course through various social media. Inevitably #Alevelresults was trending so I decided to take a look at some of the stories being shared across social media.

Now long before people even announced whether they had their uni of choice or what results they had received, a lot of people decided to get online and tell people that "don't worry if you didn't get what you wanted life is not about exams" and "failure isn't real".
Seriously?
What does that even mean?
Why isn't it OK to just be there and support those who have had a knock back? Allow them to wallow in what has happened, reflect on possibilities and be there for them when they are exploring options on what to do next. Pretending failure doesn't happen is disingenuous, surely we should be preparing young people for such realities.

The Concept of Failure
I am currently reading an awesome book called Black Box Thinking by Matthew Syed. The basic premise of this book is that we should have a healthy relationship with failure. That Black Box Thinkers see failure as the best way to learn. That by heading failure face on and looking at what could be done different you can see failure as a way to do better in the future.

Using some brilliant case studies and anecdotes the author makes some stark comparisons between lessons learned in the aviation industry in comparison to those in the healthcare industry. The aviation industry is so obsessed with tackling errors and even minor failure that it has become one of the safest industries in the world as a result. 

I highly recommend this book as it really challenges us, not just in a commercial sense, but how we as individuals look at failure as part of our range of experiences. It is interesting to note that many young students come into the schooling system willing to take huge risks in their play and in their attitude to learning and then as adults we stamp the fear of failure into them. Whether through testing, streaming or any other mechanism which prevents them from recognising that you may not always get it right, failure becomes something to be avoided. We want to continually play it safe and carry this often into adulthood.

As a coach I get to see this manifest itself in people who are terrified of getting things wrong when they are going to speak. Be it at a business meeting, pitching or delivering presentations to their peers. I see incredibly competent high flying executives struggle with imposter syndrome and confidence crises because they are so afraid of making mistakes. Afraid of failing, often not realising that a little vulnerability actually adds to their credibility as leaders.

The fact is it sucks big time if you have not gotten into your university, college or school of choice.
It sucks if you have not made the interview into a new job, or missed out on a promotion opportunity.
We cannot deny this and at that moment, people telling you their story or that failure doesn't exist doesn't help. The truth is that the world keeps turning and often it is about having a different approach that we realise tomorrow is a new day.

Failure System Support
The crucial element here though is that failure needs to come with a support system. It is not enough to say that we should be comfortable with or have a healthy relationship with failure unless we have a system of support.

My work in education taught me that motivational speaking and inspiration doesn't stretch far for those students who go back to homes that are emotionally and physically unbalanced. Yes there are outliers who can buck the system but the overwhelming evidence is that success as a whole, be it academic, emotional, physical has to have a support system to back it.

Likewise in the workplace there is no point in coaching or writing or telling someone that it is ok to make mistakes unless a system is there to support it. Imagine making a mistake in a presentation or communicating in a meeting and getting ripped for it in your feedback? Of course you will feel like a failure and not want to do it again. This is why I always coach my clients to shape the feedback that will take on board improvements rather than them not wanting to present or perform again.

If the ethos of the management team supports a framework that allows testing, review of errors then you are on to a winner. Unfortunately, there are far too many organisations that don't understand how powerful it is to learn from errors or blatant mistakes. Some who ultimately have to have their mistakes aired through whistleblowers as no one internally takes notice.

Failure as part of Learning
Wimbledon High School is an independent school that has a week focusing on failing better. It has been running since 2012 and has had it's share of cynics. Jane Lunnon, the head, shared her concern that the intensity that young ladies put into their academic, sports and musical endeavours, was just the same for relationships and friendships. By having such a week it was deemed important that young ladies developed a sense of resilience in preparation for the wider world.

I personally I am a supporter of such a campaign to embolden young people and build resilience. To deal with setbacks as well as the victories. I wish adults learned from this too so we could pass it on to your youth. To remind them that you won't win every battle but that we are here to support them regardless.

----------------------------

To find out more about my work visit me at www.davidmcqueen.co.uk