Unpacking Empathy in Leadership

For years we've been hearing the corporate cries for leaders to be more empathetic, for leaders to cultivate empathy as a skill in how we lead. But first, what IS empathy, exactly? Merriam-Webster's defines it thus:

"noun : the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner."

So, it means being a bit of a sensing mind-reader or energy-reader, perhaps getting to the point of experiencing for yourself the very experience another person is having. This can be helpful as a leader because it allows you to be other-focused and in service of what direct reports or peers or those you need to influence might be going through, thus allowing you to easily build psychologica safety and trust, having them feel heard, seen, gotten, and felt. You'll speak into their exact experience, giving language to what they might be feeling but not able to articulate. Cool, right?

Until it isn't. Being sensitive to others' experience can get in the direct way of practical leadership needs like holding people accountable or having to deliver bad news or terminate someone. If you're sensing their fear and pain, and you have a human heart, you won't want to add to it with any unkindness, so how do you fire someone or clarify where they are missing the mark?

Layer on top of this the fact that if you grew up in a traumatic environment you may have developed a supertrait of empathy to survive that now serves you and those you lead really well, except we all know what happens when we overuse a strength. Empathy overused, or overly relying on our supertrait of empathy in times of stress and duress can expose the limitations of that power. Your kindness and empathy in these situations will be read as a weakness, a roadblock in your path towards the outcome you want.

The solution? First, awareness that your superpower in excess can be a liability and then developing the control and boundaries to hone it; allow your use of empathy up to the edge of the cliff but not past it into the abyss of overuse. Easier said than done, but working with a trained executive coach can help you to unpack just where that edge is for you and how to navigate your superpower in service of your specific leadership situation.