Unoffendable

Hotwash is a term used in the military for immediate “after-action” discussions and evaluations of a units performance following a mission. I was introduced to this term by my friend, Mark Walker. Mark encouraged me to make a “Hotwash List” during the Pandemic for the major events and actions in areas like personal finance, company stewardship etc. His point was simple, use these events to identify strengths and weaknesses in my response. These learnings will most certainly benefit me in the future. 

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the significance of this “window of time” that we are all in. Quarantine has not been easy but it has been enlightening. I began the journey with a strong desire to “emerge” a better version of myself. I encouraged myself to do a simple assessment. Prior to this Pandemic, what did I like most about my skills, attitude and behaviors? Prior to this Pandemic, what did I like least about my skills, attitude and behaviors? If you are like me, the tendency is to think about every thing that we want to change/improve about ourselves and fix it all. That’s like New Year’s resolutions on steroids and setting ourselves up for failure. I have learned some very important lessons around changing habits. The book, Atomic Habits, by James Clear has been very helpful in this learning. One of my favorite quotes in the book is, “Decide the type of person you want to be. Prove it to yourself with small wins.”  

I am a self-acknowledged control freak. A controlling disposition sets you up for some difficult challenges in general, but in times like these, it can really exhaust you. These past few months have really cemented my learning that, I have very little control of what goes on in this world, but I do have significant control of my response to it. 

The same goes for interactions with others. Quarantine and Social Distancing has definitely tested our communication skills. All of us have had to make adjustments. Nearly all face to face conversations have turned into phone or video interactions. I am an EQ person and I have always benefited from what I call, “Four Eyes”. The ability to look into another’s eyes and understand not only what they are saying but also why they might be saying it. Without Four Eyes, I have noticed that some old bad habits can creep in. I begin to focus more on what someone has said versus why they have said it.   

Prior to the Pandemic, I read a terrific book called, Unoffendable, by Brant Hansen. Small disclaimer, this book is listed under the Religious genre. It could also easily be listed under Self Help; Business; Leadership or Inspirational. What does it mean to be unoffendable? My greatest takeaway is that what someone says has more to do with them than me. This can be hard for someone with a controlling disposition to grasp. Just like I can not control the events in this world, I can not control what someone says or why they say it. The only thing that I can control is my response.  

My late father, Norman Kaplan, used to say, “John everybody has a story.” He was trying to help me understand that everybody is going through something and many times that something bumps into us. No greater example was shared with me than the following story. My friend, Greg, told me about several encounters he had with a coworker that were difficult and contentious. Greg is a good soul so he immediately sensed that there was something “off” about his coworker. He focused less on what the coworker was saying and how it made him feel and more on the why. Because he chose to be unoffendable, he was able to turn difficult conversations into empathetic insights. The coworker was deeply struggling with several challenges related to the Pandemic and was spinning out of control. Greg encouraged the coworker to seek professional help. A few weeks later, the coworker called to thank Greg. The coworker had been contemplating suicide and told Greg that he saved his life. Not to be dramatic, but that ripped my face off! When Greg shared the story, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I could hear my father say, “Everyone has a story John.”  

I am not saying that we should allow people to abuse us in conversations or that we should not hold people accountable for what they say and how they say it. I am encouraging you to be unoffendable.  

My Hotwash exercises have produced some really good fruit this season. Striving to be unoffendable is one I hope to hold onto for a long time. 

Stay focused, stay healthy, stay productive.  

#BeElite #BeUncommon #BeUnoffendable