Unmet Expectations

In every area of our life there is the possibility for unmet expectations.

You go to Trader Joe's to pick up your favorite item, and it's sold out.

You go online to snag that pair of shoes, they don't have your size.

You want to grab brunch with a friend, but they are traveling.

In these rather small, every day disappointments, you are usually able to pivot and move on without too much struggle. You know that on Tuesday, that item will be back in stock, you know you can search another store and find something close enough, you know that the friend will return and you can brunch together in 2 weeks.

No. Big. Deal.

But in your marriage, the expectations you have are a big deal. They matter a lot to you, your well-being, and the overall quality of your life and family experience.

You've probably read a lot about expectations and about having them sets you up for disappointment.

That is in many ways true.

Disappointment in and of itself is not the problem. It's the way we cope with disappointment that causes unnecessary stress and strain on a relationship. Most commonly, disappointment from unmet expectations is handled by:

-lashing out and criticizing

-shutting down and withdrawing

-settling and denying your needs

-ruminating on the disappointment

-pretending that you don't care or it's okay

None of those are productive or helpful, and we are not taught any other way of reacting.

I want to give you the tools to handle your unmet expectations with more grace and peace so that you can start to feel better and move yourself forward in a positive direction.

#1. Honor your feelings. If you want a spouse who prioritizes spending time with you, but are married to someone who currently prioritizes work, it's okay that you are disappointed. Acknowledging how you feel is a critical step. You want to direct your mind to focus on the very human experience that you want one thing, but you are experiencing something else. Do not judge yourself, and do not blame your spouse for not meeting the expectation.

#2. Allow your spouse to be where they are. There is a peace that comes from no longer resisting what is. That does not mean it needs to be 100% okay with you, but it does mean you allow your spouse to be an individual with their own thoughts, needs, and choices. The things that matter and motivate them don't always have to be the same as yours. That's okay because they are allowed to be where they are without you trying to make them different or judging them.

#3. Remember you have choices. You have choices in how you respond, what you request, what boundaries you set, and how you engage with your partner. When you feel disempowered, and are dependent on them to change in order for you to be happy, you suffer. Just knowing that you have agency, and can choose what is best for yourself, helps you release the chokehold you can sometimes have on what's happening.

#4. Get clear on your why. So many times we have expectations that have been conditioned into us. We didn't choose them, but someone else TOLD us that's how it's supposed to be. When looking at your expectations be willing to question them. Why do they matter to you? Are there alternative ways to get that expectation met that are healthy and work for you?

#5. Stand for what's true for you. There is a delicate balance of knowing what's important to you, why it matters, and not settling for something that doesn't work for you vs. trying to convince and drag a partner along to your side of the street. You can know what you want, like your reasons, and set it as your expectation, and also be aware of how your spouse may not yet meet you there. Trusting yourself is important here. It's easy to want to lower your standards in order to maintain the peace, but that's not necessarily healthy or productive either. You can stand for something without trying to force someone else to also get on board.

In fact, sometimes it's when you stop trying to force something to happen that then allows your partner the time and space to have their own self awareness and desire to make positive shifts.

Even when I work with couples, we focus on each person creating their own personal standards of behavior. However, many people seek help from an agenda of trying to get their partner to change. But marriages get better when the two people decide to be better as individuals and then bring their best selves to the marriage.

And in the meantime you both need a way to deal with unmet expectations that are healthy and productive so there is time and space for those positive shifts to happen.

I'd love to know what resonates with you, so let me know a takeaway.

Have a beautiful weekend.

My best,

Dr. Chavonne

P.S. If you are looking for support navigating expectation in you marriage, I'm here to help. Inside my coaching programs, I teach you a step-by-step process for understanding your expectations and determine what will work for your marriage. You'll learn how to operate from a place of power to create positive change instead of feeling so resentful and angry that you're still stuck.

Your next step is to book a complimentary consultation call with me here.