Unmedicated?-?I

Medication, Motivation, and?Motive?

Change is hard

Small change takes a great deal of focus

Larger change can feel quite overwhelming

That is the world I find myself living in

I want to share thoughts on my experience with medication

Specifically stimulants prescribed for the “treatment of ADD”

My goal is to provide perspective, rather than to influence someone’s opinion on the topic

The experience I have has been much of an experiment

I am not qualified to make give advice to anyone outside of myself

Frankly, I don’t know that I am qualified to advise myself

I have been prescribed various forms of ADD medicine since I was 16

14 years taking it in one form or another

I can say it made a positive difference in my life

(At least there are periods when it felt this way)

In high school it helped me focus, it helped me concentrate

In college, it allowed me to cram for exams (which in hindsight enabled poor habits)

When taken consistently, rather than to cram, I did get better grades

And in my working career, it has allowed me to put work above all else

I needed to stay busy (or so I thought) and this kept me busy

(Again, a view that I see differently in hindsight)

There have been times where I have wondered what I would be like without it

How would my personality, my habits differ?

At some point, I realized I felt extremely dependent on it

And this realization was terribly frightening

One of my greatest fears, is the idea of not knowing who I am without this medication

I have taken it from the late stages of puberty, into adulthood

As I was changing as a person, the medication was there

But what effect was it really having?

I am not writing to suggest that stimulant prescription has no purpose

I am not soliciting that users stop using it without a plan

I am writing to share my own experience

This is something I have struggled with immensely, mentally, and emotionally

How dependent am I on this medication?

Who would I be without it?

Do I even know?

What is my own personal experience with stimulants?

How do I experience the effects?

They create a sense of urgency

They push me to get things done that I might not feel motivated to do

That is quite helpful, when the tasks are positive, premeditated, and serve a purpose

But there is another side to this

This focus on action, on urgency, on movement, comes at a cost

I find myself so focused on “doing something” it becomes hard to actually sit and think

Ironically, these drugs keep me focused while in motion

But restless without something to do

My emotions are dulled?

Still present, but much less of an influence,

On both my mood and my decisions?

With such an urge to stay busy, it becomes easy to ignore feelings?

Without realizing their increased absence?

(As the emotions I was experiencing were predominantly negative, I welcomed this change)

Things look different in hindsight?

Was the medication merely a band-aid?

Masking other issues that were left unresolved?

It feels like I cured my anxiety and depression through staying busy

By distracting myself (again how ironic)

Rather than identifying and addressing the root cause

I had merely found a way to hide it

Now I wonder….

What else am I masking, as a result of this medication?

Is it possible that creativity, passion, a different sense of purpose are being numbed?

If everything comes at a cost, what have I been paying?

About a year ago, I reduced the amount of medication I was taking on a daily basis

I was in the midst of two larger life pivots

Moving on from both a relationship and an active role in a company I helped start

I wanted to reduce my dependence on this medication for several years, but felt stuck

Would I be able to fulfill my work and personal roles without it?

What if I was unable to function?

Now just isn’t the right time

While the first reduction took some time to get used to, I felt much better, much more calm

I knew the former dosage was more than I needed, but I sought that out

I wanted to be “more productive” in my work and personal life

While I felt this new dosage felt much better, within a few months I found myself having similar thoughts

I am still dependent on this medication

Without it, do I think I could function?

One thought / question that really shifted my perspective:

Am I really going to go through life, without knowing who I am without this medicine?

This is my personal opinion, and not one of a medical professional:

I do think stimulants taken over time, change you

When we artificially change the way you think, the way you see the world,

You are inevitably going to change how you operate within in it

Who you are is made up of what you do, how you think, what you feel

It is change-able, I genuinely believe no one is fixated

But from my personal experience, the medication changed me

And is that not the goal of medication in the first place?

To create some kind of change?

This past May, I reduced my medication again, but by a much slighter amount

That was the first reduction in nine months

I removed an additional dosage I was taking in the afternoon

In hindsight, that much medication was not needed

As mentioned, I wanted to feel extremely motivated and productive

It was not that I needed this dosage to operate, I wanted to be wired

There were about two weeks of withdrawal

The noticeable improvement in my sleep balanced that out

I felt much better this June than I had in months

32 days ago I reduced my medication dosage again

This time has been much more difficult

Although I only reduced my dosage by 25%, I have felt a different sense of response

My feelings feel much heavier

I am much more quickly frustrated?

I feel a heighten sense of worry, fear, and insecurity

My drive feels reduced, I feel unmotivated, almost stuck

My motivation to write, to share my thinking, went missing

It feels as if the creative energy I once had is nowhere to be found

At times, I have felt pretty depressed, unhappy with myself, and with my life

Other times, I have felt fine, normal, and okay with the process

It is an interesting experiment, and it leaves me with a series of questions

These came to mind yesterday, as I was feeling very down:

Am I depressed because I don’t care?

Or do I not care because I am depressed?

The chicken and the egg, which came first?

Do I let go of healthy habits because of lack of energy?

Or is my lack of energy the result of losing my healthy habits?

Am I insecure about of lack of confidence?

Or is my lack of confidence the result of insecurity?

Am I feeling stuck from the lack of medication?

Or is this intuition to move forward with a further reduction?

I mentioned my goal was to share my perspective

But as I write, I realize there is another driving force

This is hard….

I feel like I am struggling….

I am not sure how things are going to turn out….

And I want to share the experience as it is happening, rather than once its finished

To be honest with what I am really experiencing

How I am really feeling

Striving to produce authenticity, rather than pretending everything is perfect

These thoughts are hard to share

It is uncomfortable to admit to myself that I feel mentally dependent on an external stimulant

Even more so to share it with the world

Yet, I know I am not the only one experiencing some of these feelings

And looking back, I wish I could have learned from the experience of others

I wish I had someone outside of my doctor to talk to?

I feel stressed, unmotivated, and stuck

But that is not where the story ends

I knew this process would not be easy

And I intend to move forward, regardless?

If you’d like to hear more about my experience, please reach out directly

My goal is to provide a new frame of reference to anyone who needs it

I will continue to provide updates on my progress

Brick by brick, a new foundation gets built