Unmasking the Trauma Behind Workaholism – A Parent’s Guide to Healing

"Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you." – Gabor Maté

I’ll never forget the moment I realized that my constant need to work, my relentless drive to do more, wasn’t just ambition. It was exhaustion, and behind it, a deep-seated fear of failure. As a parent and a business owner, it felt like I couldn’t stop, as if pressing pause would make everything collapse. But the truth is, workaholism wasn’t just about striving for success—it was a survival mechanism born from something deeper.

If you're a parent reading this, juggling the demands of a career, family, and life, it’s likely you’ve pushed your well-being to the backburner more times than you can count. You may feel like you’re running on fumes, endlessly trying to be everything to everyone. But what if I told you that the constant need to work, to over-deliver, might be driven by unrecognized trauma?

Research shows that trauma, especially unresolved, can manifest in many forms, including overwork. It isn’t always obvious—sometimes, it disguises itself as productivity. But underneath that drive, there could be a much deeper narrative playing out.

What is Trauma, Really?

Trauma is more than just the result of a single traumatic event. It’s the lingering impact, the emotional and physiological responses that continue to affect us long after the event has passed. Trauma, as Dr. Gabor Maté says, is not what happens to us, but what happens inside of us because of it.

For many high-performing parents, trauma can show up as a relentless need to prove their worth. Maybe you grew up in a household where achievements were celebrated more than connection, or perhaps you internalized the belief that you’re only as valuable as what you produce. This pressure can drive you to work beyond healthy limits, often at the cost of your well-being.

The Four Trauma Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn

The nervous system’s way of responding to perceived threats is through what we call the 4F's—Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. While these responses are necessary for survival, they can become automatic behaviors that dictate how we navigate life. For the workaholic parent, these responses often manifest in ways that keep you constantly on the go.

1. Fight: This can look like perfectionism or control. You might respond aggressively when things don’t go according to plan, or feel the need to manage every detail, at home and work. The fight response isn’t just about outward conflict, it’s about an inner battle to maintain control over the chaos.
2. Flight: This is where workaholism often kicks in. The constant need to do more, to stay busy, and never slow down is a flight response—an attempt to escape the uncomfortable feelings that arise when you stop. It’s why sitting still feels impossible and why your to-do list never seems to end.
3. Freeze: This one is tricky because it can be masked by busyness. While you’re running from task to task, you might be emotionally detached, avoiding the deeper issues that require attention. You’re stuck in motion, but frozen in self-reflection.
4. Fawn: People-pleasing parents often fall into this category. You might overcommit at work, take on every task, and sacrifice your own needs to maintain peace, both in your professional and personal life. The fawn response stems from a fear of conflict or rejection, leading you to overextend yourself to avoid discomfort.

Recognizing the Hybrid Trauma Response

The reality is, many of us toggle between these responses. As a workaholic parent, you might default to flight at work—constantly working, micromanaging—but fawn in your relationships, avoiding conflict by over-accommodating others. These trauma responses aren’t isolated; they overlap, creating a hybrid response that’s unique to each person.

Understanding these patterns is the first step toward healing. When you can identify your default trauma responses, you start to reclaim control over how you navigate your life.

How Trauma Fuels Workaholism

For many parents, the endless hustle is a way to cope with unrecognized fears—fear of failure, fear of not being enough, fear of losing control. But the irony is that this work-first mentality often pulls you away from what you truly want: connection, fulfillment, and inner peace.

Workaholism can mask deeper issues, such as feelings of inadequacy or a need for validation. It’s easy to believe that if you just work harder, you’ll find happiness. But at its core, this drive can be a trauma response—an attempt to outrun painful emotions or prove your worth through external success.

Breaking the Cycle: Solutions for Each Response

Healing from trauma doesn’t mean you have to stop being ambitious or driven. It’s about understanding why you work the way you do, and finding healthier, more sustainable ways to channel your energy. Here are some actionable strategies for addressing each trauma response:

• For Fight Types: Practice letting go of control. Delegate tasks at work and home. Start small, with something that feels less critical, and learn to trust others to handle it. The real challenge is learning to trust that you don’t have to manage everything for things to go well.
• For Flight Types: Set boundaries around work. Schedule downtime and honor it as much as you do your deadlines. Try practicing mindfulness or taking a moment to pause and breathe before jumping into the next task. The world won’t fall apart if you rest.
• For Freeze Types: Engage in activities that reconnect you with your body. Physical movement, whether it’s exercise or just a walk outside, can help you start moving emotionally as well. Journaling can also help unfreeze thoughts and feelings that you’ve been avoiding.
• For Fawn Types: Learn to say “no.” It’s okay to prioritize your needs. Start with small boundaries and build up to bigger ones. Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for you to be the best parent, partner, and professional you can be.

Parenting, Work, and Generational Trauma

As parents, we often carry the emotional weight of our upbringing into how we raise our children. If you grew up in a home where love was conditional on success, you might be unknowingly repeating this pattern with your own kids. Trauma doesn’t just stop with us; it trickles down, shaping the next generation. By healing your own trauma responses, you’re not only freeing yourself from the cycle—you’re giving your children a model for healthier living.

Conclusion: Healing Starts with Awareness

Workaholism, especially when it’s tied to unresolved trauma, isn’t sustainable. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole at the bottom—no matter how much you pour into it, it never feels enough. But healing starts with awareness. The more you understand the drivers behind your behavior, the more you can start making conscious choices that honor both your work and your well-being.

It’s time to rewrite the narrative. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself on the altar of productivity. Healing your trauma will allow you to be more present, both at work and with your family. And ultimately, isn’t that what matters most?

Ready to Start Your Healing Journey?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by work, life, and the constant need to "do it all," you don’t have to navigate this alone. Sometimes, it takes an outside perspective to help you reconnect with yourself and break free from the patterns that no longer serve you.

Let’s have a conversation. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation and explore how I can support you in balancing your career ambitions with the inner peace you deserve.

Click here to book your session, or simply send me a message, and let’s begin your path toward a healthier, more fulfilled life. You’re worth it!