Unlocking Self-Confidence*

First a quote: "Confidence isn’t thinking you’re better than anyone else, it’s realizing that you have no reason to compare yourself to anyone else.” – Maryann Hasnaa

I have always found self-confidence and self-worth to be curious things. Both seem fragile, both are important elements of success, contentment, and even happiness. For so many of us, both can seem elusive and difficult to maintain.

In my own life, struggling with self-confidence has often felt like a roller coaster ride. I could be rolling along, feeling on top of the world, and then seemingly out of nowhere, something, or someone, triggers a downward spiral of self-doubt.

As I’ve gotten older, I have become more comfortable sharing the challenges I have had with self-confidence. In doing so, I have become increasingly aware of just how many people have been, or are, fighting a similar battle.?In fact, almost always, when this topic comes up in workshops, or with coaching clients, many people have shared similar feelings of low self-esteem, self-doubt, and self-confidence.

“Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – Christopher Robin

From casual observation, I have identified four destructive forces to a healthy sense of self-confidence:

1. Our personal self-talk. Not including time spent in solitude, mediation, or prayer, I have often said the most important conversation we have each day, might just be the conversation we have with ourselves, about ourselves. Many of us are kinder to our friends and families than we are to ourselves. ?Would You Say That to a Friend? | LinkedIn
2. The value we put into what other people say about us.?Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Perhaps the topic for another MMM.
3. How we treat others. When we are respectful of others, we tend to be more respectful of ourselves and vice versa. Are You Running an Emotional Deficit? | LinkedIn
4. A tendency to compare ourselves to others.

Think about what people tend to post on social media. Most of us tend to see posts from wonderful or exotic vacations, food shots from fancy restaurants, family highlights, new cars, new homes, wedding pictures and the like. If you think about it, we mostly see a “highlight reel” from the best of other people’s lives.

But those “highlights” weren’t the full story. Rather, we see what they were willing to post and share. Often just glamour, positivity, and fun. I suspect many people find themselves thinking, “Gosh, my life is nothing like that.”?It is not usually a fair comparison!

It is easy for people to look around and compare themselves to others. Unfortunately, they often do that destructively. Depending on what is important in their lives at that moment, they can look around and find people who have/are:

• a nicer home or fancier car
• better-behaved children????
• thinner, taller, or more fit
• a better job, or bigger title
• a bigger bank account
• fancier clothes
• live in a nicer neighborhood
• more hair, or darker hair
• better grades or went to a better school
• more extravagant vacations

You get the point!

Repeating, when people fall into a habit of comparing their lives to the lives of others, it is not usually a fair comparison, and it is almost always destructive to their self-worth.

Here is, in part, what I have learned to help maintain a stronger sense of self confidence:

Don’t compare yourself to others, instead:

1. Create a clear vision of the person you aspire to be someday, your view of your “best self” as a person, friend, associate, leader, etc.
2. Compare yourself, not to others, but against the person you aspire to become.
3. Don’t expect perfection, just improvement! Every day, in every way.
4. Monitor your self-talk and practice positive affirmations.
5. Don’t drill holes in your bucket, or the buckets of others. Filler? Drainer? Which Are You? | LinkedIn

Related Articles:

• I' m Not the Only One! | LinkedIn

Bonus Quotes below.

How will you live, love, or lead, differently, or better, this week?

Be kind to yourself this week.

Sincerely,

Bryan Yager

“Expanding Your Capacity for Success”

* Revised and updated. Originally published on October 26, 2020.

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Bonus Quotes:

• “Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” – Theodore Roosevelt
• “If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” – Vincent Van Gogh
• “One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation.” – Arthur Ashe
• “If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.” – Jean Sibelius
• “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” – Matthew 19:19
• “With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.” – Dalai Lama
• “You are the only person on earth who can use your ability.” – Zig Ziglar
• “Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – Christopher Robin
• “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” – Mark Twain
• “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
• “Confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong.” – Peter T. McIntyre
• “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.” – Dr. Seuss