Art of Giving Feedback That Actually Works

We all know that feedback is important for improving how we do things and how we get along with others. It gives us helpful information, helps us grow, and encourages us to keep getting better. But it's really important to give feedback in a way that doesn't hurt people's feelings or make them defensive.

When does feedback trigger ego?

Sometimes, when we get feedback that challenges our beliefs or makes us feel criticized, we can get defensive and resistant. This happens because our ego, which is our sense of who we are, gets triggered. Our brain has a part called the amygdala that processes emotions, especially fear and sensing threats. When feedback feels like a threat to our self-image or ego, the amygdala gets activated and makes us want to fight or run away.

This fight-or-flight response releases hormones in our body that prepare us to either confront the threat (fight) or escape from it (flight). When feedback triggers our ego, the fight response can make us defensive, deny the feedback, blame others, or argue back. The flight response can make us avoid or ignore the feedback.

When the amygdala gets activated, it can make it hard for us to think clearly and consider feedback objectively. We might feel more emotional and focus on protecting ourselves rather than being open to learning.

To help reduce these ego-driven reactions, it's important to create a safe and supportive environment. When we feel safe and supported, the amygdala's response is less intense. We're more likely to think about the feedback, consider different perspectives, and respond more helpfully.

Why be empathetic?

Being empathetic in giving feedback is important. Empathy means understanding and respecting the other person's feelings and points of view. When we give feedback with empathy, it shows that we care about the other person's well-being and growth. We acknowledge their emotions and challenges and create a supportive and understanding atmosphere.

This can help reduce defensiveness, resistance, and emotional barriers that might get in the way of accepting and using the feedback.

Sometimes it's better to give feedback indirectly, rather than being too direct and harsh. Indirect feedback allows for a more thoughtful and careful approach. It gives the person receiving the feedback space to think about it and make sense of it in their way. This can have a deeper and longer-lasting impact on their behavior. Indirect feedback given with empathy also helps protect the other person's self-esteem and keeps the relationship positive. By being compassionate and understanding in our feedback, we decrease the chances of making them defensive or damaging our relationship with them.

Three Examples of Empathetic Feedback

How parents can encourage teenagers to study?

Direct --> "You need to study harder. Put more effort into your work."

Indirect --> "I understand that studying can be challenging sometimes. If you need any help or guidance, I'm here to support you. Let's work together to establish effective study habits."

How team leader can encourage team members?

Direct --> "You're not pulling your weight. Step up your efforts."

Indirect --> "I understand that everyone has a different workload, but I'm feeling overwhelmed with mine. Can we discuss how we can better distribute tasks to ensure a more balanced workload for all?"

Spouse discussing cleanliness at home

Direct --> "The house needs to be cleaner. We should work on it."

Indirect -->"I appreciate your efforts in keeping the house clean. Can we work together to find a system that helps us maintain cleanliness consistently?"

Read further for a deeper understanding of psychological safety....

What is psychological safety?

Psychologically safe feedback is about creating a comfortable space where people feel okay getting feedback without worrying about being judged or facing bad consequences. In this kind of environment, feedback focuses on what we do and the results we get, rather than attacking us personally. It's like using feedback to help us grow instead of bruising our ego!

Here are some fun ways to create psychological safety when giving feedback:

1. Trust is Key: When people trust that feedback will be taken well and won't lead to trouble, they'll feel comfortable sharing their thoughts.

2. Be a Role Model: Let's lead by example and show others how it's done! Make feedback a cool thing, where we value different opinions and learn from our mistakes.

3. Hear 'Em Out: When someone is talking, let's give them our full attention and try to understand where they're coming from. No judging, just listening! It shows that we respect them and make them feel heard.

4. Team Up: Encourage everyone to share their ideas, ask questions, and be part of the conversation. When we all feel included and involved, it creates a safe space where we can speak up. When people feel supported, they're more likely to take risks and aim for success.

5. Oops, We All Make Mistakes: Mistakes happen, and that's okay! Let's see them as chances to learn and grow. When we make it safe for people to take risks and make mistakes without fear, they'll keep getting better.

This way, we can create a super cool environment where feedback is a positive thing. It's all about empowerment, growth, and working together toward success!

Conclusion

Being empathetic in feedback demonstrates understanding and consideration for the recipient's emotions, fostering a supportive environment. Additionally, delivering feedback indirectly, with empathy, allows for thoughtful reflection and preserves the recipient's self-esteem.

By embracing these principles, feedback becomes a powerful tool for growth, learning, and strengthening relationships.

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