Unlock the power of connection: The magic of using names

Last week, I wrote about the importance and impact of sharing a smile with people, even in the most tense or contentious situations. Hopefully, you see some utility in this advice. It truly is a way to build better relationships and increase connection with others. Similarly, let me clue you in on another technique for building trust: while you’re smiling at people, call them by their name.?

The first self-development book I ever read was by legendary author Dale Carnegie. A key lesson he taught me has never left me: “A person’s name is to him or her the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” If you want to get someone to like you, call them by their name as you flash a smile. In my experience, and according to Dale Carnegie, these simple actions will get you ahead in life.

There’s a cartoon by Far Side’s Gary Larson (a personal favorite of mine growing up) that’s divided into two halves. The top half is labeled “What we say to dogs.” A man is scolding his dog, saying “Okay Ginger! I’ve had it. You stay out of the garbage! Understand Ginger? Stay out of the garbage or else.” The bottom half is labeled “What they hear.” From the dog’s perspective, the owner is saying “blah blah Ginger blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Ginger blah blah blah blah...” The truth is that people are not all that different from our canine companions. We tend to hear our own name being spoken and little else.

Research supports the idea that using someone’s name can have a profound impact on social interactions and relationships. According to a study published in the Journal of Consumer Research, hearing our own name activates the brain’s reward centers, making us feel more recognized and valued. This psychological response enhances social bonding and increases positive perceptions of the speaker. In a separate study, researchers at the University of California found that people are more likely to comply with requests when their name is used. This phenomenon, known as the “name-letter effect,” suggests that individuals have a subconscious preference for things associated with their own name. By leveraging this bias, you can increase the likelihood of gaining cooperation and support from others.

In his bestselling book Never Split the Difference, former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss emphasizes the importance of using names in negotiations and communication. Voss argues that using a person’s name helps create a sense of familiarity and trust. This technique, he notes, can be particularly effective in high-stakes situations where quickly building a strong connection is essential.

Sounds good, you say. But I’m terrible at remembering names! To some degree, we all are. It’s amazing how challenging it can be to remember someone’s name, even right after they introduce themselves. It’s difficult because, in the moment, we’re so focused on hearing ourselves say our own names that we hardly hear or process what the other person says. Combine this with the fact that we’re also likely thinking through how we’ll introduce ourselves—I’m, uh, Iris’s husband—and it’s no wonder that recalling names can be so difficult.

There are strategies, however, for improving our name-remembering skills. One technique is to repeat the person’s name immediately after being introduced. When you meet someone named Sarah, be sure to say, “Nice to meet you, Sarah.” This immediate repetition helps reinforce the name. Another useful method is to create an association. This could be visual, based on a good friend or family member, or based on popular culture—anything that’s easy for you to remember. If you meet someone named Rose, you might visualize the flower. Or if you meet someone named Ben, think of your cousin Ben. And if you meet someone named Luke, well, the name-recall force will definitely be with you.

Make sure you know the names of the people you interface with. Take my word for it, they notice. If you’re a senior person in your organization, this is particularly crucial. When you say hello, be sure you say the person’s name. Incorporating the use of names into your daily interactions can have significant benefits. From creating a sense of recognition and value to building rapport and trust, this simple practice can enhance your personal and professional relationships.

So, the next time you smile at someone, remember to call them by their name. It’s a small gesture that can make a big difference.