Unleash the Power of Forgiveness

Misunderstandings can cause ripples in a relationship or tidal waves that threaten to destroy the bond between two people.

I learned this lesson when I made a casual comment to one friend about another friend. It circulated quickly in our group, growing in intensity and scope. By the time it reached the person, it barely resembled my original words. But the hurt it caused triggered her to retaliate.

A bad situation got worse very quickly. Everyone took sides and I felt misunderstood, misaligned, and miserable. I went to the person directly, but she refused to talk it out.

I had caused this mess and I couldn’t convince her that I was sorry. That left me having to deal with my own feelings of hurt, anger, and rejection. But I found a way to resolve both my pain and heal the relationship.

Forgiveness rocks

Forgiveness is a powerful tool that can help us to heal, grow and move on from past hurts and traumas. It is a process that can be difficult and uncomfortable, but ultimately it is one that can bring immense freedom and peace.

As Brené Brown writes in her book Rising Strong,

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”

Forgiveness is not about forgetting or excusing the harm that was done to us, it is about releasing the negative emotions and feelings that we are holding onto and allowing ourselves to move forward.

It is about letting go of the anger, hurt and resentment that we are carrying, and choosing to see the person who hurt us in a different light.

Forgiveness is a journey only you can take

Forgiveness is a process - not something that happens instantly. It takes time and effort, and there may be setbacks along the way. It is important to be patient with ourselves and to remember that forgiveness is a journey, not a destination.

When I finally realized that forgiveness was my journey, it changed everything. I wasted too much time waiting for the other person to accept my apology and change. When it finally dawned on me that Iwas the one who had to move out of the hurt, I discovered a process that led to my forgiveness.

My experience is a perfect example of what Lewis B. Snedes said so eloquently:

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.

When you are stuck in the hurt, forgiveness seems impossible. The prison walls of your pain are immovable and fixed, separating you from peace and love. Life inside the prison becomes the norm, and you forget what it was like to be free.

Instead of waiting for the prison walls to disappear or move, why not set yourself free? The following process is how I managed to move through my hurt, heal the wounds, and approach the person I had maligned with integrity, vulnerability, and grace.

How to set yourself free

Remember, it’s not about the other person, it is about you. Forgiveness is not something that we do for the person who hurt us, it is something that we do for ourselves. We forgive in order to release the negative emotions and feelings that are holding us back, and to allow ourselves to move forward.

There are several steps on the forgiveness journey:

• Acknowledge that you are hurt and the incident or event had a negative impact on your well-being. Identify your feelings and label them. It helps to write down why you are so hurt. Be careful not to point the finger at the other person. This is about you and your feelings.
• After you acknowledge you feelings, allow that energy to move through your body. Feel your feelings — when you repress or ignore them, the energy gets stuck in your body. It feels threatening and you will want to avoid this step, but it is essential to releasing the hurt and healing.
• After you have sat with your hurt, take a few moments and say to yourself, “I am love. I am loveable. I am loving.” These words of affirmation will sink into your wounded self and give an energetic hug.
• When you begin to feel a shift in the pain because you are loving it, imagine that it is washed away on each exhale. Use intentional breathing to cleanse your inner world and notice the pain flowing out of your body. Continue this breath work until you can take a deep breath in and feel nourished.
• Write down any insights you have as you think about the incident or event again. Notice that it no longer triggers you and you can see the other person for who they are: someone doing the best they can with what they know.

Practice this process every day. As you cleanse and heal your emotional wounds, say, “Thank you.” Gratitude heals all things and helps you keep a broader perspective.

If you would like to use a short, guided meditation as part of the forgiveness process, please listen to The Snow Globe Meditation. It will take you on a journey so you can see that the other people involved are also struggling.

Forgiveness energy transforms relationships

After I had done my own forgiveness work, when I approached my friend again, it was with a completely different energy. Instead of defending myself and blaming the group for magnifying the comment, I took full responsibility for my actions. I was open, honest, and vulnerable.

At first, she was distant and closed, but as we talked, she began to open up. It turns out that the incident brought back a lot of childhood memories that she had forgotten. She apologized for her part in the debacle and asked how I had reached such a peaceful place.

I shared the same forgiveness process and she was eager to try it. I led her through the steps and when she reached the part of sitting with her feelings, she couldn’t do it. Because I was there to support her, my presence gave her the courage to try again. That day, I am happy to share that she released several old wounds from childhood.

As I look back on the miraculous transformation that we both experienced, I realized that we were each other’s teachers. I never would have learned to acknowledge my feelings and love the pain if the incident hadn’t blown up. My friend would never have connected her reaction to old wounds.

Together, we saw the light of love in the other person. We both learned that emotional pain that seems irrational is really a part of you crying for attention, acceptance and forgiveness.

The takeaway

Forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened. It is about remembering the event, but choosing to let go of the negative emotions and feelings.

It is about choosing to see the event in a different light, and to see the person who hurt us in a different light.

Forgiveness is also not a one-time event. Be patient with yourself and remember that forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. As Martin Luther King, Jr. shared,

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude.”

As you learn to forgive and release the energy from negative feelings, you create space for more love and gratitude to enter. You stay in the present moment, instead of remembering the past.

And therein lies your freedom.