Unlearning What We Think We Know: The Stories We Mistake for Truth.

How many times have your assumptions about an outcome or someone's character turned out to be completely wrong? Yet, in the moment, those beliefs felt unshakeable, creating unnecessary anxiety, tension, and distance in your relationships—including the one with yourself.

We often craft these internal narratives as a form of self-protection, accepting them as truth without question. But what if, instead of clinging to these limiting stories, we challenged them?

In my work as a coach, I've noticed certain stories and assumptions repeatedly surface in client conversations. As you read through the common beliefs I'll share below, reflect on which ones resonate with your own thought patterns. More importantly, consider how you might begin to question these inherited truths and open yourself to alternative perspectives that could transform your outlook.

Your work doesn't speak for itself.

While some thrive in the spotlight, many professionals believe their work should speak for itself. I've encountered countless clients who shy away from sharing their accomplishments, expecting recognition to come naturally. Yet when their above-and-beyond efforts go unnoticed, the resulting disappointment can be crushing.

When I encourage clients to showcase their achievements, they often resist, fearing they'll appear arrogant. But it's all in the delivery – sharing a customer's praise with your team by saying, "I'm proud to be part of such an incredible team or organisation," demonstrates both humility and confidence.

The deeper challenge lies in allowing ourselves to be seen. Many fear being labelled as narcissistic, but by avoiding any self-promotion, they inadvertently diminish their own value. The harsh reality is that hard work alone, even putting in extra hours, doesn't guarantee recognition. While excellence matters, you must also become your own advocate.

Working diligently is essential, but you need to pair it with strategic visibility. No one else will champion your contributions as effectively as you can. Moreover, staying silent about your successes can feed imposter syndrome – if you don't acknowledge and internalise your wins, you'll struggle to build genuine confidence in your abilities.

People are more capable than you give them credit for.

If you struggle with delegation, you may be caught in this mind trap. When you believe others are not as capable or as intelligent as you and therefore couldn't deliver work to your high standards, then you will tend to hold back delegating, or you may micro-manage more than you want to.

The result is that you end up taking on more than you should, and if you're a leader, it keeps you in the day-to-day work rather than your more strategic work.

When you assume no one will deliver it in the same way, perhaps there is a truth to that, but you need to allow them to deliver it their way and guess what? It may be equally outstanding or scarily; what if it's even better?

To test this assumption, delegate with clear instructions and be as specific as possible about what you want. Give this person the 'why and what' and let them figure out the 'how'.

Rather than tell yourself it will take too much time to review the work, you may as well do it. Shift to 'it may take a little longer today, but it will be worth it when it's off my plate'.

Not everyone values what you do.

Notice where you tend to move into judgment; it begins with the words, 'they should or they shouldn't'.

This is followed by measuring others against your high standards or principles of how life should be. I have a client who gets really frustrated when she sees others not looking after themselves because this is a high value for her. She then moves into judgment and makes assumptions about being lazy, undisciplined and clearly not trustworthy if they can't make good choices for themselves.

This may seem a little harsh, but the truth is you do it too, perhaps not about health but in other areas where you compare your high standards to others' external deliverables.

Judgement is not a productive space to be because it blocks connection. You cannot learn from someone if you are judging them, and you cannot influence someone if you are in judgment.

Replace your old story of 'they should' with acceptance of who they are. The way to do this is to create a new story to remind yourself in these moments – not everyone values what I do, and that's OK.

Replace judgment with curiosity. Ask yourself, "I wonder what's going on for that person right now?" Understand that everyone is living a story you know nothing about.

It's wrong to put myself first.

Out of all the stories, this one is featured in the greatest hits and is on repeat in a mental playlist.

If you believe it's not OK to have needs and put yourself on the calendar, you are on a direct route to resentment and even burnout.

If this is you, consider where it came from. Mostly, it was the narrative growing up where you were told it's selfish not always to put others first. When you internalise this as the truth, then, of course, you will struggle to incorporate basic self-care routines into the week.

It's great to keep the promises you make to other people, but even more powerful to keep the promises you make to yourself because this is where self-confidence and self-trust is created.

When you can show yourself that making more time for yourself creates more space and energy for you to perform at your best, you will never feel guilty again.

When I had this conversation with a client this week and asked her what she needed to feel energised, she looked at me blankly and said, "I don't know." If you feel the same way, start with one thing. It could be the gym, walking or journaling, or even sitting quietly on the couch with a cup of coffee to pause before you launch into the day. Then, do it.

Exposure is the antidote to anxiety. Prove to yourself that self-care is not selfish and experience the shift in your energy to irradicate the wasted emotion of guilt. It will only keep you from being kind to yourself. How do you put others first when you can't role-model it?

Final thoughts.

Assumptions wield incredible power over our lives, silently dictating everything from how we manage our time to whether we allow ourselves simple pleasures like a morning walk. But these self-imposed limitations deserve scrutiny. When we examine these supposed 'truths' under a microscope, we often discover they're merely stories we've been telling ourselves.

The path forward requires us to step into visibility, deepen our trust in others, and cultivate compassion and curiosity. By deliberately making space for ourselves—in our calendars and our minds—we begin writing a new narrative, one supported by fresh experiences and positive outcomes.

This journey of unlearning can be challenging. It demands courage to challenge patterns that have been running on autopilot, sometimes for years. Yet the discomfort of change pales in comparison to the freedom waiting on the other side. As the philosopher Antisthenes wisely noted, "The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue."

Here's to unlearning and relearning,

Warm wishes,

Lori

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