Unhappy Marriages and Unhappy Work Teams - Avoiding The Four Mistakes That Lead to Both

In the United States, nearly 40 percent of marriages end in divorce. Another 10 to 15 percent of couples separate and do not divorce, and another 7 percent or so stay together but are chronically unhappy. And, when you ask divorced people what they would change about their previous marriage, the most common response is?“communication style.”

As a clinical psychologist who has spent many hours working with couples who are chronically unhappy this certainly rings true. But what I find fascinating is that this is also the same complaint I hear being made by members of?workplace teams.

In fact, according to research published in Forbes magazine, even though almost 75% of employers rate collaboration and teamwork as "very important," according to data, 39% of employees think that people in their organization don't communicate well enough.

So, what can we learn from marital therapy about?communication that may not only help save a marriage, but also contribute to effective team performance?

In the field of marriage therapy nobody is more authoritative than pioneering marriage therapist John Gottman. Gottman’s research with thousands of couples over several decades enables him to predict which couples will be divorced within three years with?94 percent accuracy. What Gottman found is that it’s the?negative communication style?that predicts the breakdown of a relationship. Unhappy couples all make the same?FOUR MISTAKES. He calls these mistakes The?Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they predict divorce 83.3 percent of the time.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The Four Horsemen include criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. While this concept was originally developed to describe romantic relationships, the principles have a powerful application to?building effective team communication in the workplace.

1. Criticism

In the context of team building, criticism can take the form of negative feedback that is not constructive or specific. This is in contrast to complaining, which can actually be healthy for team functioning. Complaining is when I say I wasn’t fully briefed before the presentation. Criticism is when I say, you didn’t give me a full brief because you’re lazy.

AVOID CRITICISM?- team members should focus on giving feedback that is specific, actionable, and focused on behaviour rather than personality. It's also important to deliver feedback in a way that is respectful and empathetic. So, turn your criticisms into complaints. Address the event, not the person.

2. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism, but it is almost always counterproductive in a team-building context and often escalates conflict. Gottman defines defensiveness as anything that conveys, “No, the problems isn’t me, it’s you.” This style carries with it an effort to avoid responsibility and often includes making excuses.

AVOID DEFENSIVENESS?- stop blaming others and instead use emotional intelligence skills such as active listening, empathy, and self-reliance which involves accepting responsibility for actions.

3. Stonewalling

Stonewalling involves withdrawing from a conversation or tuning out of the discussion around issues that affect the team. Stonewalling tends to send a message that your concerns are not important to me.

AVOID STONEWALLING?- team members should take an active interest in every team member’s concerns, engage in open and honest communication, and work to build trust with their teammates by engaging in the conversation focusing on communicating empathy.

4. Contempt

Contempt involves anything that implies a team member is in some way inferior to you. In the context of Gottman’s research contempt showed up as the single most reliable predictor of divorce. Labelling people, ridiculing or sarcastic ‘put downs’ is often how contempt shows up and in team communication.

AVOID CONTEMPT?- The antidote to contempt is adopting an attitude of gratitude, i.e., focusing on the positive contribution that the individual has made and being thankful for them as well as focussing on how you are able to offer them support in the future. Encouraging a positive and supportive team culture helps to reduce feelings of contempt.

Overall, by understanding and avoiding these negative communication styles, teams can build better relationships and improve their performance. Encouraging open and constructive communication, active listening, empathy, and respect all contribute to creating a positive team culture that fosters growth and success.