Unfinished Business Follows You Into Leadership

Most leaders don’t realize how much of their leadership is shaped by unresolved internal narratives. We like to believe that our past is behind us, that we’ve outgrown old fears, conflicts, or insecurities. But in reality, our “unfinished business” follows us—manifesting in how we lead, handle stress, and relate to others.

If you’ve ever had a strong reaction to a difficult conversation, a conflict with a team member, or a decision that felt oddly personal, it might not just be about this moment. It might be about all the moments before it—the ones you never fully processed, the ones you thought you had moved past but still live in your nervous system.

I Felt It Long Before I Could Admit It

For years, I stayed in a work environment that, in many ways, stretched me and shaped me—but also wore me down in ways I didn’t fully see at the time.

The leader at the center of it all was brilliant. He had a sharp mind for business, an unmatched work ethic, and a commanding presence with clients. He could be inspiring. He could also be incredibly difficult.

He valued control—keeping his thumb on every decision, structuring things so that financial and strategic power remained in his hands. I earned a seat at the table, expected to invest at the same level as other managing partners, yet I didn't get an actual vote when firm decisions were made.

He spoke often about the importance of supporting one another, yet when I asked for support, he pushed back, hard. He removed me from one of his client accounts—not in a direct conversation, but by having someone else deliver the news. He assumed the worst of me when I questioned decisions, and didn’t show much curiosity about my perspective. And when it came to managing clients, he expected me to somehow figure out how to meet his standards—without clear guidance or resources.

I had never worked with someone who so consistently sent the message: You don’t belong here. You’re on your own.

And yet, despite all of this, I stayed. Because my unfinished business—the deep, ingrained patterns I had carried for years—told me I was the one to mistrust.

I had spent a lifetime learning to defer to others’ judgment over my own. My upbringing, my early career experiences, and other subtle messages I had absorbed reinforced the idea that my instincts needed external validation to be legitimate. That if others weren’t naming the problem, maybe there wasn’t one. That I had to work harder, prove myself more, and tough it out rather than trust what I knew was wrong.

So when my body sent me every possible signal—the tightness in my chest before meetings, the stomach-drop feeling before difficult conversations, the insomnia—I ignored it.

Instead of trusting myself, I looked to my colleagues. Many of them saw the same things I did. Some privately acknowledged the dysfunction, but in public, they remained neutral or aligned with him. And so, I questioned myself.

Was I overreacting? Misreading things? Making too big a deal of it?

I rationalized my instincts away.

Until, one day, I didn’t.

I finally left, and the shift was immediate. I felt free. Light. Open. I finally slept well.

It was only in hindsight that I saw how much energy I had spent trying to navigate a system that was never going to change. And how long I had ignored the very clear signals my nervous system had been sending me.

Because my body had known the truth long before my mind was willing to accept it.

What Is Unfinished Business?

Unfinished business is the emotional residue from past experiences—things like:

• A mentor or boss who undermined your confidence.
• A team betrayal that made you hesitant to trust again.
• A family expectation that shaped how you see success and failure.
• A childhood pattern of people-pleasing that makes saying no feel impossible.

None of these things is inherently bad, but if they remain unexamined, they influence our leadership in ways we don’t even recognize.

How It Shows Up in Leadership

We all have patterns. If you watch closely, you’ll see them in your own leadership:

• The leader who avoids tough conversations may be carrying an old fear of conflict from growing up in a household where disagreement led to rejection.
• The leader who micromanages may have been praised for perfectionism as a child and now feels unsafe unless everything is in their control.
• The leader who struggles with delegation might have been let down before and decided, consciously or unconsciously, that it’s safer to do everything alone.
• The leader who second-guesses herself may have been conditioned to believe others’ perspectives were more valid than her own.

For me, ignoring my instincts in that toxic work environment wasn’t just about that one experience—it was the result of years of conditioning that told me my own knowing wasn’t enough.

The Cost of Unfinished Business

Unresolved inner conflicts don’t stay contained. They leak into decision-making, team dynamics, and leadership presence. They create friction, resistance, and blind spots. And they make leadership harder than it needs to be.

Leaders who don’t address their unfinished business often find themselves:

• Feeling drained by the emotional weight of leading.
• Overreacting or underreacting in key moments.
• Struggling to create psychological safety for their teams.
• Repeating the same conflicts with different people.

For me, the cost was clear: I waited too long to trust myself. I knew the situation wasn’t right. I felt it, every day. But I stayed longer than I should have because I had been taught to second-guess my instincts.

Doing the Inner Work

The good news? Unfinished business doesn’t have to control you. The more you bring awareness to it, the more choice you have in how you lead.

For me, the biggest shift happened when I stopped ignoring my body. I had to learn that my gut instincts weren’t just emotional noise—they were real, valuable data. That tightness in my chest? That wasn’t overreacting. That stomach drop before a meeting? That wasn’t nothing. My body was speaking. I had to learn to listen.

Wonder what your unfinished business might be? You can start with these questions:

• What patterns show up in my leadership again and again?
• Where do I feel the most emotional charge in leadership? (Frustration, fear, resentment?)
• How much of this is actually about now—and how much of it might be about something older?
• What part of my leadership feels hardest, and what past experiences might be shaping that?

Self-awareness is the first step. But leadership isn’t just a solo endeavor. Working with a coach, engaging in somatic practices, or even reflecting with trusted colleagues can help uncover patterns you can’t see alone.

The Leadership of Being

Many leaders focus on doing—strategy, execution, performance. But great leadership also requires being—self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and presence. When we clear out old patterns and lead from a place of wholeness, we create workplaces where others can do the same.

Your unfinished business doesn’t have to run your leadership. But it will—until you decide to face it.