"UNFAITHFUL WIFE"
HOW TO SURVIVE INFIDELITY?
What to Do with an Unfaithful Wife?
Article 1
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The article posted is about wives whose husbands had been unfaithful. While again, I am posting the article from husbands who have unfaithful wives. The approach I recommend for the crisis of infidelity is similar for husbands and wives. But there is enough difference to warrant a separate Q&A column.
So much of my advice is redundant. But every situation is a little different and my answers to each article help summarize the approach I recommend.
I hope by reading these article, you can see the emotional turmoil that infidelity inflicts on the remaining spouse. It is without a doubt the most painful form of abuses that one spouse can inflict on another. Many have told me that they would rather have been permanently crippled than to have experienced the unfaithfulness of their spouse. And yet, if love is to be restored to the marriage, the response to this suffering must be kindness, patience and understanding. It goes against all of our instincts to respond this way, but in most cases, it works.
My wife and I have been together for 16 years, married for 11. We have two children, 7 and 9. We've never fought much, always got along pretty well. I own and operate a successful business and we are doing well financially. My wife is a sales representative and enjoys her work. We are also making love about twice a week, in spite of our recent crisis. Five years ago her mother, father and disabled sister moved into our home, and three years ago, her father died. Her mom and sister still lives with us.
We've been through quite a bit together but have always been there for each other, until recently. A few months ago I found out she was having an affair. She says she loves us both, and can't make a choice. If forced to, she says she will give up both of us. I love my wife very much and want to work it out. We are both in counseling, but she is spending quite of bit of her time with him. They even go on out-of-town business trips together. He is married and has offered to leave his wife for her. My wife says she is very confused and needs time. She will not tell me when she sees him or talks to him, I don't ask so as not to pressure her. I have always done everything for her to allow her to pursue her career. I am trying to be patient, but how long should I wait?
Article 2
My wife of nineteen years has been having an affair with a co-worker for at least two months. She has admitted to spending long hours with the man and, in effect, making him the focus of her emotional being instead of me. She claims that the two have not had sex, but I am convinced that they have had sex because of phrases in letters of hers that she wrote him. She denies this.
He has ended the affair with my wife for fear of losing his children. She has left the state for a few weeks (the trip was planned long before I found out about the affair), and I am left alone with the images.
I want to forgive her, but I feel that she has not revealed the full depth of her betrayal, and that I would not be able to completely forgive her as long as there is still some doubt. Is it possible to forgive what you fear, without confirmation?
The question you need to ask yourself is, do I want my wife to love me? Or even, do I want to be married to her? If the answer to these questions is "no," then I don't have much advice for you. But if the answer is "yes," you have a lot of work ahead of you, and "forgiveness" is about the last thing I'd be worried about just yet. Your wife almost left you, and if you're not careful, she eventually will. What you just experienced was a wake-up call.
The reason her relationship didn't go anywhere was that her friend wanted his own marriage to survive, not because she wanted hers to survive. As a marriage counselor, I am always hoping that the friend will do just that so I can help the couple rebuild their marriage without interference. But don't think for a minute that their relationship is over, or that she will ever be really sorry for what she did. But you have a chance right now to save your marriage, and what you do in the next few months will be crucial.
First, let's analyze the problem. Over the past few years, you and your wife have grown apart. You have become incompatible, and you are not meeting her emotional needs. She probably isn't meeting yours either. She found someone who meets her needs, and was willing to give up her relationship with you to be with him. She comes back to you reluctantly, because she has no choice. But it gives you an opportunity.
You must take this opportunity to prove to her that you can do something you haven't been doing for some time: Meet her most important emotional needs. First, you need to discover them. What was her friend doing that she found so irresistible? He probably talked to her, showed an interest in her, was respectful and encouraging, and demonstrated his care by being there for her when she needed him. And maybe, most important, he didn't criticize her or try to straighten her out.
Article 3
Call her, send her flowers, and tell her how much you love her, how much you miss her. Don't smother her, but let her know in no uncertain terms that you value your relationship with her.
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Even though you have been very hurt by her affair, don't blame her for it. Don't expect her to apologize and don't ask her to explain the gory details.
She is probably suffering depression over the relationship not working out. It's a common symptom of withdrawal. She will want to talk to someone about how badly she feels. Try to be the one she confides in, even if what she says is how much she misses this other man. DON'T JUDGE HER! If you do, she simply won't open up to you. Don't risk losing her by venting your anger or your judgment on her.
Granted, you're in a tough situation, but one I've seen work out a vast majority of the time. It may take six months to two years to recover your wife's love, but when it's over you will have the relationship with each other that you have both needed throughout your married life.
Article 4
First want to thank you for your valuable web site. Through it and the concepts that I found in His Needs, Her Needs I have tried to save my marriage. At this point, I am encouraged, but I have some questions for you. First, let me describe my situation.
My wife and I have been married for six years, and had our first child about a year ago. I thought we had a solid marriage. But shortly after my wife had returned to work, after having the baby, she started crying and said that she did not want to be married anymore. I thought it was postpartum blues and that she would eventually snap out of it. But she didn't. She quit working out, slept more, and our sex life became non-existent. She also spent more and more time at work and with a male subordinate. When I questioned her about the time she spent with her friend, she said it was nothing and did not want to discuss it.
As winter turned to spring she seemed to withdraw into herself. Any attempt to break through to her met with resistance and I also withdrew. I thought about leaving her but loved her and my new daughter too much to go through with it. By summer, she seemed to warm up a bit and we seemed to be moving on the right track. It was during a business trip of hers that she revealed on the phone that she was on anti-depressant medication. She started taking it in late May and was feeling much better. But I became upset that she would have kept this from me and she withdrew from me again.
In the middle of the summer my wife's friend from work called in a drunken state, and revealed quite a bit about his relationship with her. She admitted that she had an affair with him around Christmas and had broken it off because she decided he was not what she wanted. We seemed to resolve some things that weekend and it looked like we were headed back in the right direction. Even though I was hurt, I realized my failings and tried to change my behavior to meet her needs.
But one day after one of her therapy sessions she informed me that she had decided that the best thing for her to do was to take the baby and leave me. I was devastated, but was more committed than ever to learn to meet her emotional needs. I exercised more and lost some weight because my conditioning was one of her complaints. I was willing to do whatever I could to improve myself and provide for her better than before.
Over Labor Day weekend we were able to get away without our baby. She warned me not to expect any miracles. It was our first get-away in several years. We had a great time. We talked a lot and I got to know her better than I had in a long time. We relaxed in the sun, danced and talked into the evening. When I suggested to her that we spend more time together, I got the biggest hug I've had in over a year. We held hands during a tour we took and she wanted me to take her picture in front of the bar "where we had so much fun."
Article 5
When we came home, things continued to improve. She started to thank me for the household tasks I have been doing and she's been kissing me on the lips as I go to work. She also has started wearing her wedding ring again.
But she is still committed to leaving me. When I try to discuss it with her, she tells me that I am not respecting her decision. I told her I respect it, I just don't agree with it. I feel that if she leaves me she will create far bigger problems than she has now. But she insists that everyone else breaks marriage commitment so she can also.
Last night, for the first time, she told me why she has been so angry with me. Four years ago I was underemployed and decided to go back to school to upgrade my skills in order to better my employment chances. I was doing it for both of us, but she felt abandoned by me. I was in school from 4-12 and worked from 12-8. We rarely saw each other. After I finished school, when she was pregnant, I worked hard to get a higher paying job so I could take care of my family better. But in doing that, I spent very little time with her, and she felt ignored. Even though she felt very hurt and lonely, she kept her feelings from me.
I know I am not perfect but I think I have come a long way. She says she feels independent of me, and can leave whenever she wants, but I think I do a lot for her that she would miss. She seems to enjoy the affection I give her, and she likes talking to me, as long as we don't talk about our relationship. This morning we agreed to take it one day at a time. I asked her to give me pointers on what she likes and dislikes and she agreed to do that.
I am concerned with her therapy. Her therapist is having her read books on co-dependency as a way to help her overcome depression. We both have read these books and neither of us really buys it, but she continues to see the same therapist anyway.
Here are my questions.
Thank you for reading this long article. I love my wife and daughter and want my marriage to work out more than anything else. I await your reply.
Braimah’s Jnr.