It is unfair, but why? Educating Children to Cope with Acts of Inequality

In my early twenties I made the interesting decision to study towards my bachelors in a secluded town. A good university had a campus in the area and I liked the idea of having some quiet while I studied. Upon arrival, I found myself in the DMV, waiting in line to get my driver's license updated. After a three hour wait, I was getting more and more agitated, since I noticed that many people that had walked in after me were getting service promptly upon arrival. It was clear to me that they were acquaintances of the DMV associates and were getting preferential treatment. I am ashamed to say that my reaction was not pleasant. I made a scene, raising my voice and demanding to speak to a supervisor. Nothing came out of this other than me and some other people getting upset.

Of course acts of inequality can be much more extreme and far reaching than this simple example. We all know that people can at times be treated differently based on perceived defining characteristics, such as their history, profession, race, nationality, sex, gender, age, religion, political beliefs, nutritional choices, cognitive abilities, financial worth, fashion choices, aesthetic appearance, social skills, language skills, disabilities, extended family, location of residence, group associations, exclusion from a group (as portrayed above), and so many more. The list is quite overwhelming but truthfully, when I or someone I know is treated unequally, my first thought is - "This is so unfair!"

The way a person reacts to acts of inequality can effect the impact of the incident. Of course, this phenomenon needs to be addressed, but how? I believe that the ability to cope with acts of inequality is something that should be worked on already during upbringing. This education starts not with inequality, per se, but with all of those common instances where children feel that something unfair has occurred. A child who learns to cope with "unfair" situations will be better equipped later in life to approach acts of inequality.

Let us take a look at the story of the secluded town again. The residents of the town consisted of a group of locals that had been born in the town, and a group of students, temporarily residing there. As time passed, I noticed that this phenomenon of treating locals better than the "outsiders" was widespread. I now understood that making a scene could not in any way have changed the system. After befriending a few locals, I realized that the locals found it hard to connect with students since after a few years, they always left. To make things worse, the students were often viewed as temperamental, vis-à-vis my tantrum in the DMV. This was no excuse for treating people unfairly but knowing this did make me feel less hurt. In the long run, one of my local friends talked to someone that they knew in the DMV, asking them to "tone it down" with the openly preferential behavior. I do not think that this request caused a big difference. However, if enough students would have befriended the locals then this could theoretically have caused a shift in attitude.

Coping with unfair situations includes two factors: regulating emotional responses and exploring the reasons why the situation has occurred. But how do we educate children to do this? Every child is different but when your child encounters what they may perceive as an unfair situation you can try the following steps:

1. Ask them how they are feeling.
2. Show them that you empathize with them. Looking a child in the eyes and telling him/her that you know that he/she is upset is usually sufficient.
3. Wait for them to be reasonably calm and do not reward dysfunctional behavior.
4. Ask them why this has happened, giving them the time to think about the answer.
5. Guide them towards an understanding by utilizing leading questions.
6. Reinforce the process positively.

For example, if a girl gets ice-cream and her brother does not because there is no more left, then the brother may justifiably get upset. Asking him how he feels will focus him on his emotional state, thus encouraging him to begin regulating his response.

Showing him that you understand that he is upset, will lower the chances of a tantrum or other unpleasant behavior. If he thinks that you know that he is upset then he may not feel the need to communicate this dysfunctionally.

Waiting for him to calm down and not rewarding dysfunctional behavior (i.e. not promising to buy more ice-cream in order to stop a tantrum) allows for him to be more "available" to approach the situation.

Asking him why the unfair situation has occurred makes him understand that he has a personal responsibility to try to understand his social surroundings. And allowing him the time to think about it gives him the opportunity to process the information. Just telling him that the ice-cream ran out and that the store day is only tomorrow excludes him from getting to this himself. This process of exploration is a crucial step in development.

Guiding him to the answer means giving him assistance in reaching an understanding why this has happened. You are not shielding him from the frustrating situation but you are with him. Ask him questions like: "how much ice-cream was there?"; "does this kind of thing sometimes happen?"; "would you want your sister to be upset if you got the last ice-cream?"; "when do we go to the store?"; "when will there be ice-cream again?"; etc.

Once he has stayed calm and attempted to understand the situation it would be best to reinforce this whole process. Reinforcement really depends on the child and their age. Most young children respond well to verbal praise. Adolescents may be more complex but I think that most people would react well to their parents telling them that they are proud of them.

Unfair situations can extend further than just instances of finished ice-cream. A boy that thinks of himself as a girl may feel uncomfortable using the boys restrooms. A girl diagnosed with dyslexia may feel excluded from a book club since she reads the books too slowly. In all of these cases, whether we intervene to assist or not, we have to allow space for the children to learn to emotionally deal with the unfair situation and to explore the reasons why this is happening. The boy will continue to question his gender identity and the girl will continue to have a learning disability. Only through practice will they be able to develop the relevant coping skills. Remember, one day they will both have to be able to deal with instances of social injustice by themselves.

Educating our children to cope with unfair situations will not only elevate their own quality of life, since they will not suffer from extreme emotional responses to unfair situations (including acts of inequality). I believe that this is something that is required in order to see a positive change in society. Imagine a whole generation of people highly developed in their ability to regulate their emotions and explore acts of inequality with a level head. Would this group not foster an environment of openness, focused on inclusion and understanding?

Please feel free to leave comments. I would love to get feedback from teachers and parents especially. Keep an eye out for my upcoming book, The Success Diary: A Teacher's Handbook for Behavior Modification. Thank you.

Pictures taken from pixabay.com

Article taken from: MaterialPsychology.com