Unexpected Layoff? Expected Grief

There’s no avoiding the reality of this Covid-19. Unless you work in one of the few industries left untouched, you or someone you know has probably been laid off. The numbers are staggering with a record 6.6 million new unemployment claims in the last week.   

So are you in the perfect storm? Social distancing, homeschooling, isolation, and now you’ve been let go? Then you are probably feeling like an expert in Grief.

Most of us have heard about the stages of Grief made famous from the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance or the modified versions that include Shock as the first stage and Testing between Depression and Acceptance. And honestly, the stages and order don’t really matter because studies show that people don’t progress through Grief in linear fashion or even in the same way. But knowing about them, being aware of them, and allowing yourself to progress through them matter! Here is what you should expect:

Shock aka “What the #@%* just happened” - This is the moment when we hear the bad news and freeze. There’s not much to avoiding this as it just happens. You will feel the fight and flight systems kick in and what you say next is all very hardwired. In most cases, the best response to being let go is the mature one. You’ll naturally want answers or a chance to fight for your life but nothing you do at this moment will help… It will only hurt. It’s also important to realize that shock isn’t always an instant reaction, it can last a few moments, hours or days. 

Denial aka “Not just a River in Africa” - Denial is a powerful force where we avoid coming to terms with our new realities… Our loss. Denial is a defense mechanism designed to protect us from anxiety. In a layoff, we find ways to cope with the loss to avoid the pain and uncertainty. We tell ourselves things like “Maybe it is a blessing in disguise” or that the employer may come to their senses. You may even start sending out emails and LinkedIn messages thinking there is something to save us around the corner. That you will find that next job in minutes. While that is a possibility, usually it isn’t a reality. We have to accept our loss and come to terms with the fact that things will be different, challenging, and new in the times ahead. 

 Anger aka “I hope they fail without me” - Being in Denial for a while means our emotions build up and at some point, they will explode. The natural explosion is typically aimed at the source of your Grief… your ex-employer. This is the point where you may find yourself bad-mouthing the company, leaving nasty remarks on glassdoor, or considering how you will exact revenge. Anything you do at this point will likely be cause for regret in the future. And today, especially with a global pandemic, your anger is likely misplaced. It was only a few months ago, where the economy is looking good so ultimately if you are without a job, it is because this crazy Covid-19 thing came in and wrecked everything. Perhaps the best advice in these times is to find someone to talk with and vent some of your fury. Hopefully someone with a level head will help you see how great you are, soothe your fury, and just let you get it out of your system.  

Bargaining aka “How can I change this” Once the rage subsides (and remember sometimes these aren’t in order), we often enter a phase where we seek a way to minimize or alleviate the pain we are feeling. Often there are feelings of guilt. We tend to focus on our own faults or regrets. And we seek compromises. For example, you might reflect back on your work and try to figure out how you could have made a save and changed the outcome. Or you may try to reach out to your former employer and find ways to resell your potential in a different way. One time I even saw a stone-cold introvert engineer try to come back as a salesperson. The reality of bargaining is that we want to get through this, we want to take back control, and we want to fix it. But usually, it can’t be and we need to accept it.  

Depression aka “Acceptance” - I’m not going to mislead you, this place doesn’t feel good. But it is a healthy response to our great job loss. (Note: this isn’t clinical depression). Once we’ve tried to deny it, rage at it, and bargain around it… The reality inevitably sets in. This is when we feel sadness, fear, and hopelessness. We feel alone in our struggles and are only left with the memories. We think about the good times we had with our colleagues and the organizational culture that we miss. We tell ourselves that nothing can compare and don’t feel motivated to do too much. This is a time where we need to breathe, treat ourselves kindly, and give ourselves time to heal.  

Testing aka “Wait, I think I think I see the light” - After some time, those who are laid off will start to find ways to manage their way out of grief. They start to find control again by identifying realistic solutions and it feels good. Sometimes, it is about finding new avenues to attack the job or even unique ways to pivot one’s future career. Other times, it is simply about finding new activities or routines like exercise, hobbies, or online classes which bring moments of positive affect and even a little joy. But here is the thing, when this is genuine you will start to find that motivation again. If you do this too early (e.g., you are in denial stage), then you are just setting yourself back. So look for genuine moments of testing as a sign that things will be okay.

Acceptance aka “It’s about time” - Acceptance isn’t about forgetting the past. It is about coming to terms with the reality, understanding the loss of your past job and even how important it was to you. You may still feel sad at times, but you’re not angry or trying to bargain to get it back. It is time to start rebuilding your career. And it is at this point, where you are going to be in the right state of mind for finding that next job. It is when you can talk about your past job without anger or resentment… things that don’t sound great during interviews. It’s also when you can more objectively evaluate the potential offers in front of you, rather than compare them to the past that is gone. Getting to Acceptance after a layoff is not easy but you have to give yourself some time. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hop on a job offer to get your bills paid. But if you do, there is a good chance you won’t be emotionally ready and will end up unhappy anyways. 

In the end, grief sucks… But there is no avoiding it. Everyone will go at a different pace and sometimes in different phases. But there is one truth… Time will heal and you need to give yourself some time.