The Unequal Yoke: My Spouse Is Sabotaging My Diet!

I am often asked by people who want to start on a health journey, what they can do when their partner is not on board. For some people this may be as simple as doing their own thing regardless of what their partner or family does. For others it can be a bit more complex. In fact, their partners may even sabotage their efforts openly or inadvertently.

Taking on a health journey and adopting a new lifestyle can be a big adjustment not only for you, but for those around you as well. For example, if you come from a meat-eating family and you decide that you want to adopt a vegan lifestyle while the rest of your family does not, you can image the challenges you may face at the dinner table. You may be "unequally yoked" with your spouse or family.

A yoke is a wooden bar that joins two oxen to each other and to the burden they pull. An “unequally yoked” team has one stronger ox and one weaker, or one taller and one shorter. The weaker or shorter ox would walk more slowly than the taller, stronger one, causing the load to go around in circles. When oxen are unequally yoked, they cannot perform the task set before them. Instead of working together, they are at odds with one another. - From "What does it mean to be unequally yoked?" gotQuestions.org

Drawing from my own personal experience the challenge has been dealing with temptations of the snacks my wife buys and wanting her to adopt a more healthy lifestyle herself. Sometimes I feel a bit alone and I admit at times I even feel a little envious of others whose partners share the healthy lifestyle with them. To be fair, my wife never signed up for all of this change I have gone through. Don't get me wrong, she is thrilled to death that I turned my health around and adopted a new life. She is just not ready to take on a whole new life herself.

So how do you maintain a healthy lifestyle when your loved one is not on the same page?

1. Talk with your partner - Understand his/her feelings around this change. Does this mean you won't have pizza and beer Fridays? Are you going to be gone every night at the gym? How will this affect your relationship?
2. Compromise / Meet half-way - Are there any activities you both can do like walking or a dance class? Can you workout early morning or late evening so it does not interfere with daytime routines? Would your partner be willing to have a healthy pizza and light beer night?
3. Remember that a health lifestyle is a personal choice - Just because you are embarking on this journey does not mean that your partner is obligated. We own our own health. By modeling positive health behavior and showing that it can be fun, not a chore, your partner may want to join. Especially if it is not "pushed" on them.
4. Stay committed and don't get discouraged - There will be those days when your partner is eating a pint of ice cream in front of you and it awakens your crave monster. I always remind myself that a "treat should be a treat". In other words, if I have it every day, then it is no longer special. If I have it once in a while, then it is really enjoyable when I do. What is most important is consistency. All of the small changes I have done over time are what added up to the great health I am in today.
5. Join a group of like-minded individuals - There may be risks with this, but it can help fill the need for being around people who share the same values. The risk comes in when it causes issues or interferes with your relationship. This should supplement, not overtake your life. Try to set limits and ensure that your partner is comfortable of not being a part of this.
6. Be flexible with your lifestyle - There may come a point in your health journey when you become a health fanatic. I can remember times when all I could think about was the next time I could get out and walk or hike. Some much so that my wife didn't want to join me as she said she couldn't do "those 7-8 mile hikes" that I do. She does enjoy hiking on occasion, so when we go together, I tone it down. While it is good to stay committed, it is not good to be too rigid.

In general we should try to find a good balance between our health and fitness lives and the rest of our lives. I attend family barbecues, weddings, and other events that don't always have "healthy" foods. And that is fine because I am comfortable shooting for 80-90% sticking to my plan for nutrition and fitness. If I can stay on track the majority of the time, then I am hitting the mark I have set for myself.

Although it would be ideal for us if our partners ate more healthy and got more exercise, it is not up to us to make that happen. We can help encourage them by modeling healthy behaviors in a positive way. It is possible to have a close, loving, and healthy balanced relationship even if it is unequally yoked.