Understanding your Teen's Temperament

Some people are more emotionally sensitive than others and may tend to react more quickly or intensely. Some may be naturally competitive and inclined to “win” an interaction. Childrearing experts Ron Taffel and Melinda Blau, in their excellent book, Nurturing Good Children Now, present an illuminating section on individual temperament and how it affects children and their parents. Taffel and Blau explain that temperament is inherited, which means it’s passed on genetically and is an innate part of personality. We each have a unique temperament, or basic nature, that we experience and carry with us throughout our lives. According to Taffel and Blau, children do best when parented in a way that accepts and works with their basic temperament. In other words, when we try to change children’s or teens’ basic nature, blame them, or get upset with them for their temperament, it will invariably invite a control battle. This can also help us understand why we may have a control battle with one of our children and not another.

There are four basic temperament types, as described by Taffel and Blau.

Intense/Aggressive: These types are out in front, creating the action, and they can be very competitive. They lack patience and can become frustrated by obstacles. As young children, they may have been the ones throwing tantrums. These teenagers have lots of initiative and, when inspired, may expect everyone else to go along with their plans. When they engage in a sport or activity, it isn’t enough to simply enjoy it, they need to win. And even if they’re only competing against themselves, they’ll be frustrated if they don’t perform the way they wanted to.

Intense/sensitive: These types are also very active. What distinguishes this group is their intense reactions to discomforts and slights. These teens are happy to participate and give their very best. But when things don’t work out or they get personally rebuffed, they can become very hurt and angry. Don’t make the mistake of telling these individuals to “get over it; it’s no big deal,” because it sure doesn’t feel that way to them and their upset feelings will only intensify.

Reserved/Clingy: These types are sensitive to their environment and don’t enjoy large chaotic social settings, generally preferring quiet, more intimate situations. They don’t like fierce competition and can easily get their feelings hurt, often retreating when they do. They need a boost of self-confidence as they move into the socially challenging environment of adolescence. Encourage these kids too much, though, and they are likely to feel pushed and resist more. Ignore them, and they’ll feel hurt. Meet them where they’re at, and things will go smoothly.

Easy/Balanced: These types are generally easy to raise. They can be happy in a wide variety of situations, and problems and hurts seem to just roll off their backs. These kids can get themselves in plenty of trouble, like any other teenager; it’s just that they’re a bit more emotionally resilient and have an easier time in relationships.

Working within our teen’s basic nature. All four of these temperament types have inherent strengths and weaknesses. But by accepting and working within the reality of their basic nature, we can help our kids bring out their best and minimize their weaknesses. Even if they were comfortable with their basic nature as younger children, teens will need to relearn to accept and manage their temperament in their new adolescent bodies and minds, and in the new social environment of adolescence.

When there is a mismatch in temperament between a parent and teen, there is a greater likelihood of reactivity and risk of entering the control battle. You might easily imagine, for instance, how an intense/aggressive parent might get into a whopper of a control battle with a reserved/clingy child. So, understanding our own basic nature, as well as the nature of our teen, will help us curb our tendency to become reactive.

?We can be more patient with one another and interact more harmoniously. If you find yourself easily frustrated and you realize you’re being reactive with your teenager, ask yourself these questions:

? What is my teenager’s basic temperament?

? What is my basic temperament?

? Where are we mismatched?

? Where can I be more flexible and accepting of my teenager’s temperament?

? What are some ways that I can help my teenager be more aware of—and skilled at—managing his or her temperament?

Despite the important role of temperament, as a therapist who has worked with thousands of individuals, each having their own unique set of characteristics, I’ve observed that the one characteristic that makes the most difference in social and emotional effectiveness has nothing to do with any specific temperament. It is an individual’s level of self-awareness and flexibility. Those adults who have the most self-awareness, including an ability to modify their personal weaknesses and actively utilize their strengths, are the most effective parents, and in general the most effective people. These individuals have the fewest interpersonal conflicts, and they are able to respond most effectively to situations out of their personal comfort zones.

**an excerpt from Ending the Parent-Teen Control Battle by Neil D. Brown, LCSW |?New Harbinger Publications