Understanding what her "NO" really means...

It seems that, to the frustration of many men, the words, “No, not tonight!” seem to occur more often than not. Although many will just leave it at that, I am here to help you understand the true meaning of that “no”!

Women say no very quickly, even before they have considered that it might be enjoyable. No has many meanings. It means, “I am too distracted right now and I cannot relax” in the busy woman that is working on a project. To men, sex is a stress reliever but to women, sex requires stress relief. To the mother of young children it means, “I am worried that the children will hear us” or “my brain is in mommy mode and not sexy goddess mode”.

Could it be the time of day that you are asking? No at night means she is too tired and perhaps she prefers a frolic in the late morning or early afternoon. Have you ever asked? It amazes me that couples never have the discussion about the optimal time that each desires intimacy. Several factors play a role here, hormones surge at certain times of the day and month. Also, fatigue and stress related to kids and work are often discussed as problems. Sometimes certain days of the week are off limits. Many prefer their “day off” from work if possible.

“No” first thing in the morning could be a fear of bad breath or a need to take a quick washcloth to the “area”. Kissing a morning mouth is a common turn-off complaint.

It is not uncommon that the woman who actually enjoys sexual intimacy and can climax often will also say no. This reflects problems in the relationship or technique. Women are notorious for withholding sex for punishment. Beware! Although I do not recommend it, it is effective. Realize that mutual respect is the key to a healthy sexual relationship. You must be nice to your partner if you expect sex in return. Regarding technique, some women say no because their partner has a problem with premature ejaculation and reaches climax prior to her each time. It is easier to avoid the encounter rather than feel sexually frustrated. There are treatments for this problem, but a good start is to help her climax through foreplay first. Other reasons for hearing a “no” are that he is not going about things the way she likes it. Often men have a routine that has worked for them for years and never change it up. Talk to your partner about her likes and dislikes and you will be surprised that the answer will be “yes”!

Many of the above comments reflect the “busy brain” often talked about by Dr Stan Althof. Women are natural list-makers and taking a moment for seduction can throw them off the path from the cleared checklist.

In my conversations with women, the majority can reach orgasm and also end up enjoying the encounter that they initially resisted. I remind them that each time they say “no” it implants a negative image about sex in the brain. My suggestion is to say, “I don’t know, try and convince me!” This will encourage the partner to be more passionate, more thoughtful and more playful which can make a satisfying sexual encounter for both of you!