Understanding and Supporting Anxious, Sensitive, and Perfectionist Children

A confusing scene:

Evan had spent the entire day working on a wooden box, carefully etching an intricate dragon onto the lid. His mother, seeing the finished product, was amazed. “Evan, this is incredible! I didn’t know you could do that!” she exclaimed with genuine admiration. To her surprise, Evan scowled and shouted, “Shut up! It’s rubbish! I hate you!” He then threw the box across the room, where it shattered against the wall. Huh? What just happened?

Ah, the joys of parenting.

What’s Going On?

Evan’s reaction illustrates a common trait among perfectionist children: an inability to accept praise and harsh self-criticism. These children often equate their self-worth with their accomplishments, and any perceived imperfection can trigger intense frustration. Some may even avoid completing tasks or trying new things to evade potential failure. No amount of praise will encourage Evan; he must be perfect. Praise only adds to his belief that people do not understand him. We need to shift his focus from perfect accomplishment to satisfactory contribution. Easier said than done, right?

Perfectionist children set unrealistically high standards for themselves and are their own harshest critics. When they perceive they have fallen short, their self-worth takes a significant hit. This can lead to emotional outbursts, as seen with Evan, or withdrawal and avoidance behaviours. Because who doesn’t love a good meltdown over a dragon box?

For children like Evan, the pressure to be perfect can be overwhelming. They may experience anxiety, depression, and a constant fear of failure. This fear can be so paralysing that they avoid trying new things or completing tasks, as the possibility of not meeting their own high standards is too distressing. It’s like living with a tiny, very critical art critic.

Perfectionist children often tie their self-worth to their achievements. Any perceived failure or imperfection is not just a setback but a reflection of their value as a person. This creates a vicious cycle where the child’s self-esteem is continually battered by their own unrealistic expectations. Fun times, right?

The Role of Parents

Parents play a crucial role in understanding and addressing the unique emotional needs of anxious, sensitive, or perfectionist children. Alfred Adler, a pioneer in psychiatry, emphasised the importance of recognising a child’s “private logic”—their personal way of interpreting and responding to the world. Yes, because we all have a PhD in child psychology, don’t we?

Shifting the Focus

To help children like Evan, it’s crucial to shift their focus from perfect accomplishment to satisfactory contribution. This means helping them see the value in their efforts and the process, rather than just the end result. Parents can do this by:

• Modelling Imperfection: Show your child that it’s okay to make mistakes. Share your own experiences of failure and how you learnt from them. Yes, admit that you’re not perfect either. Shocking, I know.
• Emphasising Effort: Highlight the effort your child puts into their tasks, rather than the outcome. This helps them see that their worth is not tied to their achievements. Because let’s face it, none of us are winning any parenting awards.
• Setting Realistic Goals: Help your child set realistic and achievable goals. Break tasks into smaller, manageable steps to prevent them from feeling overwhelmed. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

Encouragement Over Praise

One effective strategy is to shift from praise, which focuses on the end result, to encouragement, which emphasises effort and improvement. This approach fosters internal satisfaction and self-worth, reducing the child’s reliance on external validation. Praise often centres on the outcome and can create pressure to always perform well, leading to fear of failure. On the other hand, encouragement highlights the effort and process, fostering internal motivation, resilience, and a growth mindset. Sounds simple enough, but in practice, it’s like trying to juggle flaming torches while riding a unicycle.

Why Encouragement Matters

Encouragement nurtures a child’s intrinsic motivation, fostering a genuine desire to learn and grow. By emphasising the journey and the steps taken, children are better equipped to navigate challenges and develop a growth mindset. Plus, it might just save you from a few more shattered wooden boxes.

Practical Examples of Encouragement

• Instead of saying, “Good job!”, try “You really concentrated on that task. Well done!”
• Instead of “You’re so smart!”, say “You figured out a tough problem. Great thinking!”

• Descriptive Praise: Instead of general praise, be specific about what you are praising. For example, “I noticed you spent a lot of time on that drawing. Your attention to detail is impressive.” And if you can say this without sounding like a robot, even better.
• Process-Oriented Feedback: Focus on the process rather than the outcome. For example, “You worked really hard on that project. What part did you enjoy the most?” Because we all know the journey is more important than the destination. Or so they say.
• Encouraging Self-Reflection: Ask your child to reflect on their efforts and what they learnt. For example, “What was the most challenging part of this task? How did you overcome it?” And try not to roll your eyes when they say, “Everything.”

This approach aligns with Alfred Adler’s principles, which highlight the importance of fostering a child’s sense of belonging and competence. And if you can remember all this in the heat of the moment, you deserve a medal.

Creating a Supportive Environment

Neutral Space for Failure:

Create an environment where your child feels safe to fail. Encourage them to try new things and reassure them that mistakes are a natural part of learning. Celebrate their efforts and the lessons learnt from failures. Because let’s be honest, we’re all just winging it here.

Positive Reinforcement:

Use positive reinforcement to encourage your child’s efforts. This can be in the form of verbal praise, a hug, or a small reward. The key is to reinforce the behaviour you want to see more of, which is effort and perseverance. And if all else fails, there’s always chocolate.

Building Resilience:

Help your child build resilience by teaching them coping strategies for dealing with failure and setbacks. This can include deep breathing exercises, positive self-talk, and problem-solving skills. Because if we can’t teach them to cope, who will?

Active Listening:

Practise active listening with your child. Give them your full attention, acknowledge their feelings, and validate their experiences. For example, “I can see that you’re really upset about this. It’s okay to feel that way.” And try not to think about the laundry piling up while you do it.

Empathy and Understanding:

Show empathy and understanding towards your child’s struggles. Let them know that you understand how they feel and that you are there to support them. For example, “I know it’s hard when things don’t turn out the way you want. I’m here for you.” Because sometimes, that’s all they need to hear.

Encouraging Open Communication:

Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and experiences. Create a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts without fear of judgement or criticism. And if they don’t want to talk, well, there’s always next time.

Developing a Growth Mindset:

By focusing on effort and improvement, you can help your child develop a growth mindset. This means they will see challenges as opportunities to learn and grow, rather than as threats to their self-worth. And who knows, maybe they’ll even thank you for it one day.

Building Self-Esteem:

Encouragement and support help build your child’s self-esteem. They will learn to value themselves for who they are, not just for what they achieve. This leads to a healthier and more balanced sense of self-worth. Because let’s face it, we all need a little boost now and then.

Fostering Independence:

By encouraging your child to reflect on their efforts and learn from their experiences, you are fostering independence. They will become more self-reliant and confident in their abilities. And maybe, just maybe, they’ll stop throwing wooden boxes across the room.

And let’s not forget those moments when you just need a break. Like when you hide in the bathroom to finish that last piece of chocolate in peace. Because sometimes, a little self-care (and chocolate) is the only thing keeping us sane.

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The Education of Children by Alfred Adler is a seminal work that delves into the intricacies of child development and parenting from an Adlerian perspective. This book is a must-read for parents, educators, and anyone interested in understanding the psychological foundations of child-rearing.

?Adler’s approach to parenting is holistic, focusing on the child’s need for belonging and significance. He emphasises the importance of fostering a cooperative and encouraging environment, rather than one based on punishment and reward. Adler argues that children are inherently social beings who thrive when they feel valued and understood.

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Themes:

1. Private Logic: As discussed earlier, Adler introduces the concept of “private logic,” which refers to the unique way each child interprets their experiences. Understanding this helps parents address the root causes of a child’s behaviour.
2. Encouragement Over Praise: Consistent with Adlerian principles, the book advocates for encouragement, which focuses on effort and improvement, rather than praise, which can create pressure to perform.
3. Role of Parents: Adler highlights the critical role parents play in shaping their child’s personality and future behaviour. He provides practical strategies for fostering a supportive and nurturing home environment.

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Practical Insights:

Adler’s book is filled with practical advice and real-life examples that illustrate his theories. He offers guidance on how to handle common parenting challenges, such as sibling rivalry, discipline, and fostering independence.

Of course you don't have to read this book (it's not for everyone. It is a little dry in parts and some might consider it outdated) but I think reading The Education of Children provides valuable insights into how to raise confident, resilient, and socially responsible children. Adler’s emphasis on understanding and empathy aligns well with modern parenting philosophies that prioritise emotional intelligence and positive reinforcement.

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