Understanding our own body's unique preferences

I've just woken up after 12 hours of sleep.

Apparently, my body was much more in rest than I had realised. I've had an intermittent cough the last week, been running on less sleep, and have some bodily wounds which are healing too.

I feel better after sleeping so long. My brain's functioning also feels like it is returning to a heightened performance again - I noticed that I was making errors in the phrasing of sentences, or forgetting words (especially in foreign languages).

Over the last week, I feel like I had a revelation around my body. It might sound quite obvious when I say it out loud, but it has blown my mind all the same.

My body has it's own personality. It has likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. It is not a piece of clay which I mould into whatever I feel like.

In a lot of ways, my body matches my own personality. There are certain things it particularly likes (e.g. physical contact, warmth, tenderness, sometimes strong sensations). Meanwhile, for example it lacks confidence around using its strength, and can often feel quite weak.

I've spent a long time trying to fight with my body. I've wanted to be thinner, and I've been frustrated at the times where I feel like I have an insatiable appetite, or that it's felt too tired to push it into doing more exercise.

Yet, my recent experiences when I've gotten cuts and wounds has made me remark at how resilient my body is. I very rarely get red marks, and I also heal from cuts very easily. I can take a good amount of pain, and my body stays pretty relaxed during things like surgery. My skin is broadly healthy, and I generally like my physical appearance too.

The main difficulties I've had with my body has been around trying to fit it into a mould that I don't think it's suited to. I've wanted to be thinner and more nimble. And whilst this is not impossible, my practical experience of a larger, South Asian autistic being has made this tricky.

For example, going to yoga classes has generally done more to make me feel like there's something wrong with my body rather than accepting it. Ironically. body acceptance is what yoga is meant to be about, before it became co-opted by the 5 trillion dollar wellness industry which is designed for white women rather than me. A lot of yoga now uses 'spirituality' to hide the real goal, which is actually to show off in sexy yoga leggings. Just ask someone from India what they think about the fact that teachers say 'Namaste' at the end of the classes.

Over the last five years, I've spent a lot of time practising yoga. It'd be a lie to say it hasn't helped at all, yet certainly not as much progress as it 'should' have given considering all that is said about it. I miss my teachers from London, where I felt there was a more legitimate connection to the deeper meaning from within. In Brussels, or at least at the studio I've gone to, it's felt shallower, and more close to a fitness class. I feel like the odd one out in a sea of white women, despite the fact that the origins of the practice is actually far closer to my ancestry.

More recently, I've been taking more dance classes. Now that I've overcome my absolute panic at the idea of dancing, I find it quite fun. I'm not quite the type for hyper-energetic spins and dances (maybe in the future), but I enjoy the slower, sensual movements. It fits well and I don't really feel like I'm having to do something grueling, or difficult.

It also means that I don't have to feel 'behind' with my body. A lot of fitness based classes means that my weight makes it much harder. Balancing myself or lifting myself up is tricky, despite the fact that I'm somewhat muscular. It's rather logical - weighing more means more effort is required to hold myself up.

Some people are more naturally suited to certain exercises. If I was a skinnier, petite woman or a lean muscular man I would find a lot of modern yoga classes easier. But I'm not either of those, so it's not particularly helpful to hold myself up to those standards.

I'm learning that my body can function in two ways - being very static, or being very much on the move. It can be quite dramatic in the difference between the two. I don't seem to have much of a 'moderate' mode, so it can be quite all or nothing.

I've realised that I've learnt to essentially ignore the signals of my gut health throughout my life. Unsurprisingly, my relationship with my body up to this point hasn't been great.

My brother told me about how genetically, us South Asians are born to basically constantly eat rice. We do not get full on it, making dieting in the modern world tricky.

But rather than cursing my genetics, I can look at what my body is saying with this. If I fuel myself correctly, I can essentially operate as a labourer would have done in the past. Rather than overly trying to restrict my eating, I might just be better off working with it, and being more active.

Perhaps my current hypothesis is pseudo-scientific, but I think it's worth a try anyway. Either way, I'll learn much more about my body this way, which can only serve to help.

The biggest revelation I've had is looking to treat my body not as something I 'own', but instead like a human partner which has it's own thoughts, feelings and preferences.

I'm now looking to build a better relationship. This one will feel much more like a partnership.