Understanding Our Grief at the Loss of Our Queen

As a nation we lost our Queen on September 8th 2022. As individuals we lost a part of our lives that was stable, predictable and safe. Without that stability and security we can feel lost, anxious and overwhelmed.

The Queen was very important to us all – she underpinned much of our lives. Whatever your views on the Monarchy it’s hard to deny that she was the epitome of Duty for Life and commanded huge respect for the way she represented the nation, being in the public eye, providing wisdom and advice to politicians across the political spectrum whilst also engaging with the public.

The more we’ve heard the stories about her, from her family, politicians, celebrities and ordinary members of the public the more her very human side has come to the fore, rather than the slightly remote and held back mental image we have of her. That has made her human and relatable.

Most people have known a loved one who is no longer here with them. The Queen’s death has brought back memories either recent or long forgotten that have triggered their grief and brough it back to their present.

We are all individuals with our own grief, but we are also part of a nation that’s collectively grieving, so as the crowds build to honour the Queen then the grief grows exponentially. Grief can be contagious, as one person becomes emotional, that rubs off on others.

Grief can catch us unawares and become overwhelming at times.

You may say to yourself…..”pull yourself together, stop crying and just get on with it”. That may work for a moment but in the longer term it’s better to acknowledge that you are grieving and to let it flow naturally.

Bottling it up won’t help you because it’ll find a way out and hit you when you least expect it as something will trigger that emotion.

There are a number of psychological theories around grief, which help to explain why we feel as we do. There are different stages of grief that we may go through, not necessarily in a particular order and some people find themselves going round in circles, never getting to the final stage.

So what are the stages of grief, do you recognise them and where are you now?

The following stages of Grief were developed by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. They are:

Shock – Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news. There are only a few very memorable moments in our lives where we know where we were when national news broke. I remember what I was doing when John Lennon died, when Princess Diana died but also when journalist John McCarthy was freed.

Many people saw the photo of the Queen on the news as she greeted the new Prime Minister Liz Truss, smiling at her and the camera, so her death 2 days later did come as a shock.

Denial – We try to absorb and understand what’s happened. So many of the people in the crowd queuing to walk past the Queen’s coffin said “I’m just trying to understand what’s happened – but it’s hard to take it all in.” They’re not pretending to themselves that it’s not happened, but denial slows down the way we process this news so we don’t become overwhelmed by our emotions.

Anger – is about emotional discomfort, we are adjusting to a new reality but it doesn’t let us become vulnerable and scared. It allows us to talk about our emotions (which we don’t often do) without fear of being judged as lacking strength.

Bargaining – is about being acutely aware that no matter what we do, we can’t change the situation to get a better end result. We may feel helpless, so bargaining helps us get a sense of our own control back. We may wish we’d done things differently.?Some people have said that the Queen’s death has made them sit back and realise they could spend more time with their own loved ones, that life is for living and that being with others is more important that the pursuit of money and belongings.

Depression – this comes when we look at ourselves and our lives and face up to the realisation that we’re not perfect, we may not have achieved what we wanted to in life and that we have to face up to reality.

This can be a dangerous time for people who may already have some mental health issues, so keeping an eye out for them, checking in with them and supporting them to ask for help is really important. People may be feeling very isolated.

Acceptance – Finally finding the way forwards, we still feel the pain and sadness of our loss but we stop struggling to make the situation different.

I hope this helps you to understand what grief is, how it’s affecting you and those around you. It’s natural to go through these stages to acceptance. If that doesn’t happen then please ask for help

“Grief is the price we pay for love” – Queen Elizabeth II