Understanding Narcissistic Power Plays: How Manipulative Leaders Use the Drama Triangle - And How to Break Free.

You are already awake as your alarm rings in your ear to start your day. But, you have been awake throughout the night, as today is the day of the meeting you have been extremely anxious about. You know you are prepared; you've talked it through with your coach and chewed your partner's ear off, yet you know it will be challenging and complicated. It always is.

It is remarkable how the extraordinary behaviors displayed by particular global leader and their associates in recent meetings serve as extreme exaggerations of the challenges many of us encounter in our business relationships.

These instances underscore the critical need to be aware of our surroundings and the dynamics at play. By recognizing the roles individuals assume and the intentions behind their actions, we can better understand the feelings they aim to provoke in us. Ultimately, this awareness empowers us to respond effectively and strategically to navigate these complex interactions with greater confidence and skill.

Understanding behaviors through the lens of psychological theory can be a powerful tool for managing our interactions and relationships. By exploring these theories, we equip ourselves with the skills and insights needed to identify and address problematic situations and individuals.

Although it may sound like a broad statement, it’s likely that many of us have faced behaviors from others that have unsettled us, undermined our confidence, or left us questioning our own judgment.

Let’s delve deeper into these dynamics, consider the psychological theories in an accessible way, and arm ourselves with effective strategies to handle difficult encounters with confidence and clarity. By doing so, we can improve our ability to engage positively and build resilience when faced with challenges. But, as we witnessed it isn't easy.

The Drama Triangle

The Drama Triangle is a psychological and social model of human interaction, particularly in conflict situations, developed by Stephen Karpman in 1968. It describes dysfunctional roles that people unconsciously adopt in conflicts and toxic relationships. These roles are:

1.????? The Victim – Feels powerless, oppressed, or helpless. They often believe, "Poor me!" and look for someone to rescue them or blame others for their situation.

2.????? The Persecutor (or Villain) – Blames, criticizes and dominates others. They often think, "It's all your fault!" and use control, anger, or authority to assert power.

3.????? The Rescuer – Feels the need to save others, often thinking, "Let me help you!" They intervene, sometimes without being asked, and often enable the Victim's behaviour by keeping them dependent.

How the Drama Triangle Works:

• A Rescuer may feel unappreciated and become a Victim.
• A Persecutor may feel guilty and switch to being a Rescuer.

Does any of this sound familiar, have you witnessed it recently?

The Drama Triangle is part of a field of psychology called Transactional Analysis.

Transactional Analysis (TA) is a psychological theory developed by Dr. Eric Berne in the 1950s. It is a framework for understanding human interactions, communication, and personality. TA is widely used in therapy, business, and personal development.

Simply put, in TA every person operates from three different ego states in communication:

Parent – Behaviours, thoughts, and feelings copied from authority figures (e.g., critical, nurturing).

Adult – Logical, rational, problem-solving state, responding to the present moment.

Child – Emotional, spontaneous, and intuitive state, influenced by childhood experiences. Within the theory there are different types of communication:

• Complementary Transactions – When two people communicate from compatible ego states (e.g., Adult to Adult, Parent to Child).
• Crossed Transactions – When ego states don’t align, leading to misunderstandings (e.g., Adult asks a question, but the response comes from the Child ego state).
• Ulterior Transactions – Hidden messages where communication occurs at multiple levels, often leading to manipulation.

If we consider the complexity of the human psyche and its development, it is not surprising that communication and mutual understanding is so challenging.

Narcissism

Now lets add in narcissism. The term "narcissist" in modern psychotherapy originates from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Core Traits of NPD:

• Grandiosity and entitlement.
• Lack of empathy.
• Need for admiration.
• Manipulative behaviors.

Types of Narcissism:

• Grandiose Narcissism – Overt arrogance, dominance.
• Covert Narcissism – Passive-aggressive, victim-playing.
• Malignant Narcissism – Cruel, sadistic, manipulative.

Narcissists don’t always display their traits openly. They often use covert tactics such as:

• Passive-aggressiveness – Making backhanded compliments or sarcastic remarks.
• Love-bombing – Overwhelming someone with attention and affection, only to later withdraw it.
• Gaslighting – Making you doubt your own memories and perceptions.
• Playing the victim – Making themselves appear innocent while subtly blaming others.

?Example: A narcissistic manager may compliment your work but then add, “It’s great, though I’m surprised you actually managed to finish it!”

Once a narcissist has control, their behavior can become emotionally or psychologically abusive:

• Manipulation & Control – They dictate how others should think or feel.
• Lack of Empathy – They dismiss others' emotions and only focus on their needs.
• Triangulation – They pit people against each other to create drama.
• Projection – They accuse others of the very things they do.

Narcissism and the Drama Triangle

Narcissists often manipulate relationships by shifting between the three roles—Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer—to maintain control, avoid accountability, and feed their need for attention. Here’s how narcissism plays out in the Drama Triangle:

The Narcissist as the Persecutor

This is the most obvious role of a narcissist.

• They criticize, belittle, and dominate others to maintain superiority.
• They use gaslighting, blame-shifting, and control to keep others in the Victim role.

Example: A narcissistic boss constantly undermines employees, making them feel incompetent.

The Narcissist as the Victim

When confronted, a narcissist may flip to the Victim role to gain sympathy.

If we consider a very prominent recent White House meeting.

“I was just trying to help, and now I’m being attacked and you are disrespecting me.”

They avoid accountability by making others feel guilty.

“You started the war and we are just trying to help’.

The Narcissist as the Rescuer

• Sometimes, a narcissist plays the hero to gain admiration.
• They may give unsolicited advice or “help”, only to later use it as leverage.
• Their “help” often comes with strings attached, (e.g. minerals) making the recipient dependent.

How Narcissists Keep Others Stuck in the Drama Triangle

• They manipulate others into the Victim role, making them feel helpless.
• They switch between Persecutor and Rescuer, keeping people confused and emotionally hooked.
• They make others feel responsible for their emotions, ensuring codependency.

I have witnessed firsthand a business leader who kept one of their subordinates completely off balance by constantly criticizing and controlling them, shifting between the roles of rescuer and persecutor. After months of trying to work with this leader, which resulted in sleepless nights and a struggle to maintain their own belief system, my colleague eventually decided to resign.

I have seen individuals doubt themselves and their values, and I have observed people being manipulated to the point where they become so confused that they start to believe the lies told by a narcissist.

On Friday, February 28th, a meeting took place in the White House. If you have the time, I encourage you to reflect on this information in connection with that meeting.

Handling a narcissistic leader in a business environment

Handling a narcissistic leader in a business environment can be challenging, but there are strategies to protect yourself and maintain professionalism.

Despite years of experience, I continue to struggle with the emotional toll that these people can have on me. Their influence can sometimes undermine my self-belief and confidence. Yet, I’ve successfully built and transformed several significant businesses, proving that I have the resilience to rise above these challenges. It’s essential to recognize the impact of our interactions, as they can shape our journey in profound ways. But it isn't easy and one must bear in mind that the narcissist leader keeps coming.

Here are some key approaches that can help you deal with the narcissist leader and step off the drama triangle, remain in adult and cross the transaction:

1. Understand Their Behavior

• Narcissistic leaders often crave admiration, resist criticism, and prioritize their own image.
• They may take credit for successes and deflect blame for failures.
• Understanding this helps you manage expectations and interactions.

2.?Manage Your Reactions

• Stay calm and composed in interactions.
• Avoid emotional responses—narcissists thrive on control and reactions.
• Don’t engage in power struggles; instead, choose your battles wisely.

3. Build Strategic Communication

• Frame ideas in ways that align with their self-interest (e.g., “This will make you look good to senior management”).
• Use praise strategically to gain their cooperation.
• Keep communication clear, concise, and professional.

4. Set Boundaries

• Clearly define your role and responsibilities to avoid being manipulated into extra work.
• Politely but firmly say no to unreasonable demands.
• Document key conversations and decisions to protect yourself.

5. Protect Your Work and Reputation

• Keep records of your contributions to prevent them from taking credit.
• Build alliances with trustworthy colleagues for support.
• Seek mentorship or sponsors outside of their influence.

6. Avoid Personalization

• Their behavior is about them, not you—don't take their criticism personally.
• Focus on facts and outcomes rather than emotions.

7. Leverage Higher Authority When Necessary

• If their behavior is unethical or damaging to the company, document evidence and escalate concerns through appropriate channels.
• Use HR as a resource if necessary, but be strategic in how you present issues.

8.?Have an Exit Plan

• If the work environment becomes toxic and unsustainable, start planning for new opportunities.
• Prioritize your mental well-being and professional growth.ct the very challenges many of us encounter in our professional relationships. These vivid examples emphasize the need for communication and understanding in our own work environments.

Understanding behaviors through the lens of psychological theory can be a powerful tool in navigating our interactions and relationships. By exploring these theories, we empower ourselves with the skills and insights necessary to identify and address problematic situations and individuals.

Although it may sound like a broad statement, it’s likely that many of us have faced behaviors from others that have unsettled us, undermined our confidence, or left us questioning our own judgment.

Let’s delve deeper into these dynamics, consider the psychological theories in a way that’s accessible to everyone, and arm ourselves with effective strategies to handle difficult encounters with confidence and clarity. Together, we can enhance our capacity to engage positively and resilience in the face of challenges.

The Drama Triangle is a psychological and social model of human interaction, particularly in conflict situations, developed by Stephen Karpman in 1968. It describes dysfunctional roles that people unconsciously adopt in conflicts and toxic relationships. These roles are:

1.????? The Victim – Feels powerless, oppressed, or helpless. They often believe, "Poor me!" and look for someone to rescue them or blame others for their situation.

2.????? The Persecutor (or Villain) – Blames, criticizes and dominates others. They often think, "It's all your fault!" and use control, anger, or authority to assert power.

3.????? The Rescuer – Feels the need to save others, often thinking, "Let me help you!" They intervene, sometimes without being asked, and often enable the Victim's behaviour by keeping them dependent.

How the Drama Triangle Works:

·??????? People often shift between these roles in a cycle of conflict.

·??????? A Victim may attract a Rescuer but then blame them, turning them into a Persecutor.

·??????? A Rescuer may feel unappreciated and become a Victim.

·??????? A Persecutor may feel guilty and switch to being a Rescuer.

Does any of this sound familiar, have you witnessed it recently?

The Drama Triangle is part of a field of psychology called Transactional Analysis.

Transactional Analysis (TA) is a psychological theory developed by Dr. Eric Berne in the 1950s. It is a framework for understanding human interactions, communication, and personality. TA is widely used in therapy, business, and personal development.

Simply put, in TA every person operates from three different ego states in communication:

Parent – Behaviours, thoughts, and feelings copied from authority figures (e.g., critical, nurturing).

Adult – Logical, rational, problem-solving state, responding to the present moment.

Child – Emotional, spontaneous, and intuitive state, influenced by childhood experiences. Within the theory there are different types of communication:

• Complementary Transactions – When two people communicate from compatible ego states (e.g., Adult to Adult, Parent to Child).
• Crossed Transactions – When ego states don’t align, leading to misunderstandings (e.g., Adult asks a question, but the response comes from the Child ego state).
• Ulterior Transactions – Hidden messages where communication occurs at multiple levels, often leading to manipulation.

If we consider the complexity of the human psyche and its development, it is not surprising that communication and mutual understanding is so challenging.

Now lets add in narcissism. The term "narcissist" in modern psychotherapy originates from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Disorders).

Core Traits of NPD:

• Grandiosity and entitlement.
• Lack of empathy.
• Need for admiration.
• Manipulative behaviors.

Types of Narcissism:

• Grandiose Narcissism – Overt arrogance, dominance.
• Covert Narcissism – Passive-aggressive, victim-playing.
• Malignant Narcissism – Cruel, sadistic, manipulative.

Narcissists don’t always display their traits openly. They often use covert tactics such as:

• Passive-aggressiveness – Making backhanded compliments or sarcastic remarks.
• Love-bombing – Overwhelming someone with attention and affection, only to later withdraw it.
• Gaslighting – Making you doubt your own memories and perceptions.
• Playing the victim – Making themselves appear innocent while subtly blaming others.

?Example: A narcissistic manager may compliment your work but then add, “It’s great, though I’m surprised you actually managed to finish it!”

Once a narcissist has control, their behavior can become emotionally or psychologically abusive:

• Manipulation & Control – They dictate how others should think or feel.
• Lack of Empathy – They dismiss others' emotions and only focus on their needs.
• Triangulation – They pit people against each other to create drama.
• Projection – They accuse others of the very things they do.

Narcissism and the Drama Triangle.

Narcissists often manipulate relationships by shifting between the three roles—Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer—to maintain control, avoid accountability, and feed their need for attention. Here’s how narcissism plays out in the Drama Triangle:

The Narcissist as the Persecutor

This is the most obvious role of a narcissist.

• They criticize, belittle, and dominate others to maintain superiority.
• They use gaslighting, blame-shifting, and control to keep others in the Victim role.

Example: A narcissistic boss constantly undermines employees, making them feel incompetent.

The Narcissist as the Victim

When confronted, a narcissist may flip to the Victim role to gain sympathy.

If we consider a very prominent recent White House meeting.

“I was just trying to help, and now I’m being attacked and you are disrespecting me.”

They avoid accountability by making others feel guilty.

“You started the war and we are just trying to help’.

The Narcissist as the Rescuer

• Sometimes, a narcissist plays the hero to gain admiration.
• They may give unsolicited advice or “help”, only to later use it as leverage.
• Their “help” often comes with strings attached, (e.g. minerals) making the recipient dependent.

How Narcissists Keep Others Stuck in the Drama Triangle

• They manipulate others into the Victim role, making them feel helpless.
• They switch between Persecutor and Rescuer, keeping people confused and emotionally hooked.
• They make others feel responsible for their emotions, ensuring codependency.

I have witnessed first hand a business leader who kept his sub-ordinate totally off balance, criticising, controlling moving from rescuer to persecutor. After months of trying to work with this leader, of sleepless nights and racking their own belief system, my colleague eventually resigned.

I have seen individuals doubt themselves and what they stand for, and I have seen individuals manipulated to a position where they are so confused that they believe what the narcissist is telling them.

On Friday, 28th February, a meeting took place in the White House, perhaps if you have time reflect on the above information and that meeting.

Handling a narcissistic leader in a business environment

Handling a narcissistic leader in a business environment can be challenging, but there are strategies to protect yourself and maintain professionalism.

Despite years of experience, I continue to struggle with the emotional toll that these people can have on me. Their influence can sometimes undermine my self-belief and confidence. Yet, I’ve successfully built and transformed several significant businesses, proving that I have the resilience to rise above these challenges. It’s essential to recognize the impact of our interactions, as they can shape our journey in profound ways. But it isn't easy and one must bear in mind that the narcissist leader keeps coming.

Here are some key approaches that can help you deal with the narcissist leader and step off the drama triangle, remain in adult and cross the transaction:

1. Understand Their Behavior

• Narcissistic leaders often crave admiration, resist criticism, and prioritize their own image.
• They may take credit for successes and deflect blame for failures.
• Understanding this helps you manage expectations and interactions.

2.?Manage Your Reactions

• Stay calm and composed in interactions.
• Avoid emotional responses—narcissists thrive on control and reactions.
• Don’t engage in power struggles; instead, choose your battles wisely.

3. Build Strategic Communication

• Frame ideas in ways that align with their self-interest (e.g., “This will make you look good to senior management”).
• Use praise strategically to gain their cooperation.
• Keep communication clear, concise, and professional.

4. Set Boundaries

• Clearly define your role and responsibilities to avoid being manipulated into extra work.
• Politely but firmly say no to unreasonable demands.
• Document key conversations and decisions to protect yourself.

5. Protect Your Work and Reputation

• Keep records of your contributions to prevent them from taking credit.
• Build alliances with trustworthy colleagues for support.
• Seek mentorship or sponsors outside of their influence.

6. Avoid Personalization

• Their behavior is about them, not you—don't take their criticism personally.
• Focus on facts and outcomes rather than emotions.

7. Leverage Higher Authority When Necessary

• If their behavior is unethical or damaging to the company, document evidence and escalate concerns through appropriate channels.
• Use HR as a resource if necessary, but be strategic in how you present issues.

8.?Have an Exit Plan

• If the work environment becomes toxic and unsustainable, start planning for new opportunities.
• Prioritize your mental well-being and professional growth.