Understanding the Masks We Wear, Professionally and Personally

By Michaela Pashley and Alan Whittle

The Financial Planning community is a broad church, drawing together people from across the social and political spectrum. Each of us is unique and brings different skills and experience with us. Yet in some situations we are too quick to impose our own expectations of people on them, limiting their potential to shine. We can look at this through two challenging examples, both of which are based on the real lives of people in the Financial Planning profession.

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Troubled Financial Adviser

You are a Financial Adviser. Everyone tells you how great you are. You ARE an Adviser. You are praised for your new business volume, your interactions with clients, and your relationship management skills. You smile. You nod. But inside, you're panicking.

You don't like being an Adviser. It fills you with anxiety. It makes you depressed. Client interactions fill you with dread; fact-find meetings and presentations are so overwhelming you need hours to recover after. You fear the responsibility of your decisions impacting someone else's financial life.

You're upset when a client tells you about their financial situation and you don't know how to help. And, when one client called you to tell you her husband died, you walked around in a daze for the rest of the day because you are worried about her and how she'll cope without him.

But your career is set, and it doesn't look like there's any way out. This is you, forever. An Adviser.

What you really are is a Paraplanner. You love sitting down at a desk with a fresh fact-find and writing the analysis, research, and a good suitability report. You like the technical. You like the maths. And you LOVE the feeling when you get a case through compliance.

But you can only do this in the evenings, studying for yet more qualifications. During the day, when you present to the world, you're an Adviser. You suit up to do client meetings all day. That's your job; your identity. At least, that's how everyone else perceives it. Little do they know that every time you look in the mirror and see yourself in that Hugo Boss suit, on your way out the door to another meeting, inside, you're bracing yourself like you’re going in to battle.

Your family relies on that big Financial Adviser salary and bonus to pay the mortgage, to keep them in the lifestyle in which they've become accustomed. Your parents are so proud of you and everything you've achieved.

You can't be a Paraplanner. The very notion is absurd. You're an ADVISER! You'd need to survive on a lower income. Your friends and family might lose respect for you, seeing it as a step down in your career. Settling for less, rather than striving for more.

You have mentioned your desire to some of your close friends, and one or two colleagues you trust. They reacted mostly with incredulity. “Why would you want to go and do something like that? You're not a Paraplanner, you're an Adviser? You'll ruin your career. What does your partner think about this?"

You can't tell your spouse. You don't want to cause them anxiety about the future and you don't want them to know how miserable you are. You can't tell your parents, they're so proud of who you are and everything you've achieved in your career.

When you come home at night and nobody is looking, you fall on your knees in tears because the pressure of everyone’s expectations of you is so far removed from what you want for yourself. You feel stuck. Trapped, financially, socially, and familiarly.

Now, let's take this situation and apply it to something a little more serious.

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Gender Dysphoria

You are a man. Everyone tells you how handsome you are. You ARE a man. You are praised for your beard, your muscles, and your height.

You smile. You nod. You know you look good in a Hugo Boss suit. But inside, you're screaming.

You don't like being a man. It fills you with anxiety. It makes you depressed. You can't stand looking in the mirror, the nights out with the lads, or your body and facial hair. You fear living the rest of your life in depression. You're upset knowing you lost a lottery when you were born of which there was a 50% chance of winning. And, whenever you see women out and about living their best life, you shut your eyes in jealousy that they won the lottery and you didn't.

But your gender is set, and it doesn't look like there's any way out. This is you, forever. A man.

What you really are is a woman. You love sitting down with at a makeup table and putting on your face. You like to be feminine. You enjoy interests and hobbies typically associated with women.

But you can only do this in the evenings and at weekends. During the day, when you present to the world, you're a man. You have to suit up and present as a man all day. That's your job, nay, your identity. At least, that's how everyone else perceives your identity. Little do they know that every time you look in the mirror and see yourself in that Hugo Boss suit, on your way out the door to another fact-find, that inside you're lonely and unfulfilled.

Your family relies on, loves, and appreciates the man of the house as a husband, father, and breadwinner. Your parents are oh, so proud of you and everything you've achieved.

You can't be a woman. The very notion is absurd. You're a MAN! Your marriage would end. You'd undoubtedly lose the love and respect of your friends and family, seeing you as some kind of pervert. Giving into some kind of mental illness, rather than embracing stoicism.

Perhaps you have mentioned your desire to some of your close friends, and one or two colleagues you really trust, but they reacted mostly with incredulity. "But you're not a woman, you're a man. What is wrong with you? Why would you want to be a woman? You'll ruin your family. What does your partner think about this?"

You can't tell your spouse. That could open up Pandora's box. They'll be worried and insecure about their future, and you don't want to cause them that anxiety. You also don't want them to know how miserable you are. You can't tell your parents - they're so proud of who you are and everything you've achieved in your career - they'll just tell you you're being ridiculous.

At night, when nobody is looking, you scream into your pillow. You feel stuck. Trapped, financially, socially, and familiarly.

Understanding the Masks We Wear

Both of these narratives reflect the reality for people in our profession, dealing with the expectations of others about how they should be, how they should live their lives. It is important that we recognise that the outward presentations of those we meet and work with may be a mask, worn resolutely with the intention of conforming to those expectations. If someone opens up to you and says that they are anxious and unhappy in their role, or has the courage to speak to you about their gender identity, the response you give has the potential to change someone’s life, for better or worse.

Financial planning is a profession which brings together people from all walks of life to help solve peoples’ problems and help them achieve the outcomes they seek. If a client were to come to you and express their feelings of anxiety about their work life, or trust you with details of their gender identity, hopefully our response would be supportive: How can we help that person find a way to be who they are? The same concern, openness and willingness to understand should be our response if that person is a friend or a colleague.

What someone wants to do with their career, how they want to live their life, who they are inside, is unique to each of us. There is no one path to success, there is no one way to live.

The work of the best financial planners isn’t about making money for people who already have more than they need; its about helping people live the life they want to lead, whoever they are inside.