Me? Burnout? Why Parents Don’t Always Listen to Their Bodies
Afrikindness
Fostering positive racial identity development & kindness in children by partnering with schools and parents.
Stress Awareness Month, observed every April in the UK, serves as a vital initiative aimed at highlighting the dangers of stress and promoting better ways of coping with daily pressures. This annual event encourages open discussions about stress, its effects on mental health, and the importance of recognizing and managing stress in both personal and professional environments.
Statistics about stress
It is estimated that more than 35% of adults in the UK suffer from high levels of stress. The latest annual benchmark report by Mental Health UK highlights that 20% of working adults in the UK took leave from work in the past year to address mental health issues resulting from stress or pressure.
Understanding the Hidden Stress of Parents
While there are no official statistics for parents, particularly full-time homemakers who aren't accounted for in workplace surveys, a recent UNICEF UK study sheds some light. It reveals that between one-third and one-fifth of parents experience feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, unsupported, or lonely. It's important to recognize that not all anxiety and loneliness stem from parenting pressures alone; some parents may naturally feel more anxious. However, feelings of being overwhelmed and unsupported indicate that parenting can be a challenging and genuinely stressful job. The study also underscored significant disparities, revealing that 94% of the poorest households reported a negative impact on family life due to the cost of living crisis, in contrast to 78% of all parents with young children.
What is stress?
Stress is defined as “emotional strain due to demanding external circumstances”.? When we experience stress, our adrenal glands produce cortisol, the “stress” hormone, which helps us stay alert so we can manage the challenge, say a baby that needs to be fed at 2 a.m. or a pressing deadline at work.? So stress is not all bad.? It helps us meet deadlines and achieve goals.
The problem is not stress but overstress. Often, we become so engrossed in chasing objectives that we neglect to allow our bodies' cortisol levels to naturally decrease.
Maintaining high levels of cortisol for too long can lead to high blood pressure, weight gain, diabetes, and muscle weakness.
In a recent webinar, Dr. Mia Eisenstadt Ph.D a parenting stress expert, explained the path to burnout. Watch the full webinar recording by Dr Mia Eisenstadt here:- Self-Care for Parents: Nurturing the Nurturers.
What is burnout?
Burnout is a term we commonly use to describe the state of chronic fatigue that results from daily, unmanaged stress. Some would have us believe that burnout is an “occupational phenomenon” rather than a medical condition that can arise outside the workplace.? But at Afrikindness’, we believe that parenting stress is just as likely to cause burnout as workplace pressure. You can listen to our views on this subject by tuning into a recent webinar entitled “Self-Care for Parents: Nurturing the Nurturer.”??
Burnout doesn't discriminate based on occupation; it can affect anyone with a hectic schedule, including homemakers. Ignoring the signs of mental and emotional exhaustion significantly increases the risk of developing burnout symptoms. However, anyone can find themselves overwhelmed by stress if they don't address their limits.
The following graphic from Mental Health First Aid England illustrates how our bodies accumulate stress and sometimes reach a point of burnout. It is based on the metaphor of a receptacle metaphorically called a “stress container”. This container has limited capacity.? Like our minds and our bodies, it can only take on so many stressors before it needs to be emptied.? The valve at the bottom allows us to avoid an overflow or “overstress” situation.? Turning the spigot means giving ourselves the rest, relaxation, and self-care that our bodies deserve. The trick is to know when our stress container is reaching the point of overflow and to have good techniques for flushing out the accumulated stress (which manifests as excess cortisol and body fatigue).??
The stress container metaphor.?The trick is to know when our stress container is reaching the point of overflow and to have good techniques for flushing out the accumulated stress (which manifests as excess cortisol and body fatigue).??
Emptying the Stress Reservoir
Fortunately, there are effective ways to cope with stress and to evacuate our stress container before we reach the state of burnout.? Some of these solutions involve significant changes in lifestyle such as healthy eating and daily exercise but others are simple habits that can be adopted quickly and easily.
Examples of stress-busting strategies:
Stress-busting for Busy People
For people who tend to see life as a series of achievements (many of us do), it is best to think of stress-reducing habits as resilience-boosters. While it's true that activities like walks, naps, and fitness routines require time investment, when coupled with improved sleep habits, they enhance energy levels, productivity, and ultimately, success.
You may still be asking yourself:? “How can I take up an instrument or go on weekend adventures with friends when I barely have time to keep my house in order?” Remember, successful individuals prioritize self-care despite their busy schedules, making time for both personal interests and hobbies alongside their productive pursuits.
Me? Burnout?
In the realm of work and parenting fatigue, our bodies often signal distress through various illnesses or disorders. For instance, one participant in our "Nurturing The Nurturers" webinar experienced hives due to overwork, while many women commonly suffer from stress migraines or chronic sinus issues, all potential indicators of excessive stress.
The following is a list of emotional and physical conditions from Mental Health UK that indicate that our stress container is overflowing.?If you recognize more than one or two of these symptoms, it is time to make some drastic changes including possibly taking time from work.
Emotional burnout symptoms:
Physical burnout symptoms:
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Why Parents Don’t Always Listen to Their Bodies
Unfortunately, it is all too easy to ignore the warning signs of burnout. Our bodies are good at showing today’s fatigue.? We tend to know when we need a nap, a cold shower, or a cup of coffee.? However, humans are not good at measuring stress accumulated over months.? Our stress container unfortunately does not come with a needle gauge or an overflow sensor.
Inhibitors to self-care are the inner blocks or social pressures that stop parents from getting the rest or relaxation they need. For example, many moms seem to think putting their children first is an uncompromisable virtue.? If they are a working mom, especially the first generation in their family to enter the workforce, they may feel immense pressure to excel at work while still maintaining high standards at home.? Men often inherit a macho ethic based on the idea of “working through the pain”.?
Stoically, they tell themselves things like “man up”, and “don’t be a sissy”, even as their minds and bodies scream out for rest.
The result is that modern parents keep pushing through overwork and parental perfectionism until finally something gives.?
Learning to Listen
Listening to our body can be a real challenge, yet it communicates with us constantly. It is important to recognize the inner voice signalling when something "is not quite right." This involves vigilantly watching for signs of deterioration or negative changes. For instance, chronic fatigue replacing mere tiredness, sporadic discouragement evolving into constant overwhelm, diminished motivation for once-enjoyed activities, increased social isolation, and persistent infections are all indicators that something may be amiss.
Challenges for Parents
Kids are the first to pay a price when parents are burnt out.? Managing daily stress appropriately will make us a better parent.??But be careful of the temptation to be a perfect parent!? Society has long held up an unattainable standard for mums and dads.? This has led to an epidemic of what some are now calling “depleted parent syndrome”, a form of extreme fatigue due to childcare demands. The problem might even be made worse by the fact that many people are now both working and parenting; sometimes as single parents.? And unlike office work which has an end time, parenting can continue late into the night and on weekends!?
Perfectionism is not an Option
In 1953, the famous British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, developed a useful concept for stressed-out parents.? (Yes, parental stress was already a problem way back in 1953!).
Winnicott proposed the idea of the “good enough mother”.? The idea applies to dads as well.? It consists of rejecting perfectionism in favour of a mode of parenting that responds to some, but not all, of our children’s needs.? Winnicott believed that the best parents are those who give their children space to cope with problems on their own. Good parents (or rather “good-enough” parents) are not afraid to disappoint their kids.?Not every meal will seem yummy and not every vacation will be exciting.? There are dual advantages to Winnicott’s parenting philosophy.? Kids will learn from their disappointments and become stronger, while parents will get some rest.
Beware of Shortcuts
Useful coping strategies are easy to enumerate.? The internet is full of lists like the one above. And yet far too many people still rely on cigarettes and liquor or drugs to calm their frayed nerves.? They do this either in secret or with friends down at the pub.? Others tend to hibernate when they feel overwhelmed. Men are notorious for isolating themselves and neglecting their support network when they should be sharing with their friends.
Alcohol and social distancing are examples of unhelpful coping mechanisms.? They may alleviate stress in the short term but they decrease emotional and physical wellbeing in the long term.? And they certainly don’t help with burnout. Other examples of ill-advised coping strategies are:
Let’s be April’s Fools
At Afrikindness , we advocate for responsible behaviour without losing sight of the importance of not taking oneself too seriously.? In this sense, April is the perfect month for stress awareness.?
Do you remember the April Fool’s jokes we used to play on each other when we were kids?? ??
And while we are at it, some of those other childhood behaviours like jumping in puddles, swimming in lakes, dancing at parties, and spending hours on the phone with friends.?
Children are highly skilled in the art of evacuating stress.? This April, when stress builds up, remember to channel your inner teen.?
“Chill” when you need to, knock about with your mates as often as possible, run around the block (or the park) to de-stress, and speak loudly about your needs and your boundaries so there is no misunderstanding.
Parents, it's time to prioritize our well-being this Stress Awareness Month!
Let's lead by example for our children and show them the importance of managing stress in healthy ways. Together, we can create a happier, more balanced family life.
We would love to hear from you!
Share your insights and experiences in the comments below.
As parents, what strategies have helped you cope with parental stress?
Let's create a community where we can learn from each other and navigate the challenges of parenting together. Comment below and let your voice be heard!
#ParentingSelfCare #StressAwarenessMonth
Director @ Think CYP Talking about all things mental health ???? Facilitator, Consultant, Coach.
7 个月As parents we can also feel like it is "normal" to feel.stressed and so we don't do anything about it, but then everyone suffers!
Winnicott proposed the idea of the “good enough mother”. The idea applies to dads as well. It consists of rejecting perfectionism in favour of a mode of parenting that responds to some, but not all, of our children’s needs.
You may still be asking yourself: “How can I take up an instrument or go on weekend adventures with friends when I barely have time to keep my house in order?”
For people who tend to see life as a series of achievements (many of us do), it is best to think of stress-reducing habits as resilience-boosters.
Mia Eisenstadt Ph.D explained the science behind #burnout. Let's break the cycle of overwork and perfectionism. Remember, taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's essential for being the best parent you can be.