Understanding Healthy Validation vs. Unhealthy Dependence!

I've often reflected on the concept of validation and its profound impact on our lives. It's a topic close to my heart and it comes up within my inner circle, and I believe it's a journey many of us share. Let me take you through a story that might resonate with you, one that involves navigating the delicate balance between healthy validation and unhealthy dependence on external approval.

Imagine waking up every day with a sense of unease, that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach, a constant need to prove yourself. One thing I can assure you is that you're not alone in this; many of us have been there, its a daily conversation I have with my clients. We live in a society that thrives on validation—likes on social media, praise at work, admiration from friends and family. It's easy to become entangled in this web, believing our worth is measured by external affirmations.

Remember yourself as a child? A child seeking approval from your parents, teachers, and friends. Each time you received a compliment or a word of praise, it felt like a warm hug, reassuring you that you were on the right track. As you grew older, this need for validation didn’t disappear; it just took on different forms.

In my own life, I remember how much I craved validation during my early years. Whether it was excelling in school, achieving milestones in my businesses, maintaining certain relationships, even getting divorced from my ex husband and how we managed to leave in good terms! I constantly looked for external approval to feel good about myself. I believed that if others saw my worth, it would somehow make me feel worthy.

But here's the catch: this kind of validation is fleeting. It feels good in the moment but doesn’t have the lasting impact that true self-confidence does. When the praise stops, the sense of worthiness often fades away, leaving us searching for the next hit of approval.

I remember a time when I was caught in this cycle. I was constantly seeking approval, a pat on the back, a kind word that would reassure me I was on the right path. But the more I sought it, the more it eluded me. It was like chasing a dream; no matter how fast I ran, it kept slipping away. The validation I received felt hollow, temporary, and left me feeling even more insecure.

This is the pain point for many of us. We crave validation because, deep down, we're uncertain of our own worth. We question our abilities, our decisions, our very selves. This dependence on external validation becomes a barrier to true self-confidence, trapping us in a cycle of doubt and anxiety.

It's not just about wanting to be liked or appreciated, it's about needing it to feel good about ourselves. And that need can be consuming. It dictates our actions, shapes our relationships, and influences our choices. We end up living not for ourselves but for the approval of others.

But here's where the story takes a turn. One day, I realised that the validation I was seeking externally could only be truly fulfilled internally. This epiphany didn't come easily; it was the result of introspection, self-compassion, and a desire to break free from the chains of dependence.

I began to practice self-validation, recognising and affirming my own worth. I started to celebrate my achievements, however small, and acknowledge my strengths without needing external applause. It wasn't an overnight transformation, but gradually, I felt a shift. The constant need for approval diminished, replaced by a growing sense of self-assurance.

This journey isn't unique to me. It's one that many of us can tackle. The first step is acknowledging the pain points, realising how much we rely on external validation and how it affects our lives. The next step is embracing self-validation, finding ways to affirm our worth from within.

Understanding Healthy Validation vs. Unhealthy Dependence

When you dig deeper into the distinction between healthy validation and unhealthy dependence on external validation, it will help you understand this further to shed light on your path to genuine self-confidence.

Healthy Validation: Healthy validation comes from a place of self-assurance. It's the recognition that while it’s nice to receive compliments and encouragement from others, your sense of self-worth isn’t tied to it. You appreciate the positive feedback, but you don’t rely on it to define your value. Healthy validation boosts your confidence because it aligns with your own internal beliefs about your worth. You do whatever it is for you, not for others to see it. Because you have clarity on your journey, your desires, your values, your dreams and you are doing it FOR YOU.

Unhealthy Dependence on External Validation: On the other hand, unhealthy dependence on external validation happens when you rely on others’ opinions to feel good about yourself. Your self-esteem is on a rollercoaster, rising and falling based on the feedback you receive. This dependence can lead to people-pleasing behaviours, fear of criticism, and a constant need for approval. It’s exhausting and ultimately unsustainable.

Recognising the Signs

So, how do you know if you’re seeking healthy validation or if you’ve slipped into unhealthy dependence, I hear you ask?

Here are some signs to watch for:

1. People-Pleasing: You go out of your way to make others happy, even if it means compromising your own needs and values.

2. Fear of Criticism: You’re overly sensitive to criticism and take it as a reflection of your worth rather than constructive feedback.

3. Constant Comparison: You frequently compare yourself to others and feel inadequate if you don’t measure up.

4. Need for Approval: You seek constant reassurance from others to feel good about yourself.

My Own Journey to Self-Confidence

In my personal journey, I realised that my dependence on external validation was holding me back from true self-confidence. I began to explore techniques to shift my focus inward and build a stronger sense of self-worth. This included mindfulness practices, self-reflection, and connecting with my inner values.

One of the most transformative tools I discovered was Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). NLP helped me understand the relationship between my neurological processes, language, and behavioural patterns. By using techniques like anchoring and reframing, I learned to change negative thought patterns and emotional responses, cultivating positive emotions and behaviours that supported my goals.

Another powerful practice was Breathwork. As a Breathwork facilitator, I’ve seen firsthand the impact that conscious breathing can have on our mental and emotional well-being. It’s a way to reconnect with ourselves, to ground our feelings, and to affirm our own worth from within.

If you’re struggling to identify whether you’re seeking healthy validation or falling into unhealthy dependence, I invite you to try my 7-day mindfulness and self-reflection journal exercise. This exercise I designed to help you understand your patterns of validation, explore your internal beliefs, and cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth.

By engaging in these practices, you’ll begin to notice a shift. You’ll start to celebrate your achievements and acknowledge your strengths without needing external applause. You’ll find that your need for approval diminishes, replaced by a growing sense of self-assurance.

Remember, the journey to self-confidence is ongoing. It's filled with moments of doubt and self-discovery, but each step forward brings us closer to a more authentic, empowered version of ourselves. So, if you find yourself caught in the cycle of seeking validation, know that you're not alone and that it's possible to break free.

Start by acknowledging your worth, independent of others' opinions. Celebrate your unique strengths and achievements. Surround yourself with supportive people who uplift and affirm you. And most importantly, practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, recognising that your worth is inherent, not contingent on external approval.

This journey is yours to take, and it begins with a single step towards self-awareness and self-love. Embrace it, and watch as genuine self-confidence blossoms from within.