Understanding grief and the struggles of losing a loved one.

"People talk about grief as emptiness, but it's not empty. It's full. Heavy. Not an absence to fill. A weight to pull. Your skin caught on hooks chained to rough boulders made of all the futures you thought you'd have." - Ellan Mastai

Losing a loved one is a heavy burden and a journey of many lifetimes, and in most cases our natural response to any kind of loss is to grief. Different people go through grief differently as it should be because or lived experiences vary.

Some of you may have heard of the five stages of grief. Grief is hard to control and distressing and the idea that there is a roadmap is soothing, even if it's an illusion.

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross a Swiss-American psychiatrist and researcher first outlined?five stages of grief also sometimes referred to as the Kübler-Ross modeling her 1969 book On Death and Dying.

The model suggests that people go through five distinct stages after the loss of a loved one. These stages are:

1. Denial: In this stage, people try to minimize the overwhelming pain of loss by denying its reality. They may find it hard to believe that they have lost an important person in their lives, especially when they may have just spoken with them the previous week or even the previous day. During this stage, people’s reality has shifted completely, and it can take their minds time to adjust to their new reality.
2. Anger: People in this stage are trying to adjust to a new reality and are likely experiencing extreme emotional discomfort. There is so much to process that anger may feel like it allows them an emotional outlet. Anger also tends to be the first thing people feel when starting to release emotions related to loss.
3. Bargaining: When coping with loss, it isn’t unusual to feel so desperate that people are willing to do anything to alleviate or minimize the pain. In this stage, people may try to bargain with a higher power or with themselves in an attempt to regain control over their lives.
4. Depression: In this stage, people begin to come to terms with the reality of their loss and start feeling the full weight of their emotions. They may feel overwhelmed by sadness and despair and may struggle with feelings of hopelessness.
5. Acceptance: In the final stage of grieving, people begin to accept their new reality and start looking for ways to move forward in life without the person they lost.

She described them as "defense mechanisms… coping mechanisms to deal with extremely difficult situations." The five stages are meant to be a loose framework, they're not some sort of recipe or a ladder for conquering grief.

The contradiction

In reality people who don't go through these stages can be led to believe that they are grieving incorrectly, which is wrong. Grief is complicated, stirring a tide of emotions, it's not straightforward. Sometimes people stay in one stage for a long period irrespective of time.

The popular believe is that the intensity of grief softens with time for many and yet for others the burden of grief becomes more intense, persistent and prolonged, significantly interfering with a return to “normal” life. It is particularly different and difficult when you're dealing with multiple loss.

Additional theory

David Kessler believes that the key to grief is meaning - a sixth stage which he added to Elisabeth's list, with the permission of the Kübler-Ross family.

"There's a million different ways to find meaning. It could be that maybe I'm a better person because of my loved one's death. It could be that they died in a way they shouldn't have died so I want to make the world a safer place, so no-one has to die in that way." - David Kessler

This may be my favorite part of the grief stages because it can birth beautiful new directions of living for grieving people. A direction of how to make the unbearable weight of loss bearable. It is the strongest one for me because meaning is how we live with the loved ones we lost in the present and future.

Going through Grief

I have lost a number of loved ones in my recent past, and unfortunately lost one again this August 2023. I believe that the length of a person's grieving process depends on what kind of grief they're experiencing. You see for me; the best analogy to describe my current state of being in this new loss is as that of a forceful and aggressive ripping off of a bandage off an old wound not completely healed. I feel a lot of things at the same time.

One moment I'm angry, the next moment I'm sad. Personally, I have been at the angry state for a while, my mind has been perfect grounds for a hurricane of constantly asking why? knowing well there are no answers I will accept even if granted.

Why am I writing this, I'm not completely sure why? I do feel a release, a distraction, although I would rather not do this publicly, writing has me distracted for a while and its peaceful to me. Did I just give my why? No, it's just one of them. If I'm honest, I have clarity just now, I am writing this because I am tired of reliving the trigger questions from well-meaning loved ones and friends.

What not to say to someone grieving

These words I am about to share under what not to say are my personal natural reaction based on how I deal with grief and no way I am speaking for the majority. It will however not be surprising to me if most people who are grieving or have grieved can relate.

Although I have no doubt that these words come from a place of good will and good intent, it is important to empathize that they still carry triggering emotions that defeats the purpose for which they are authored. It is wise to take a step back, analyze to evaluate and move forward with unlearning and relearning in order to arrive at the best results of being a valuable support and comfort for our friends, partners and family whom we cherish and maybe going through a difficult time.

Again, let me reiterate that, I understand that they are cultural differences that come to play in what the norm has been in dealing with grieving people but that should not trump the wellbeing of those we wish to sympathize with.

1. What happened?

This question for me is the worst. Imagine if five people in a day ask this question when you are still grieving a very recent loss. It forces the grieving person to constantly recount how the lost their loved one. I cannot describe the torture I have felt in repeating this response so many times when i sincerely would rather not say but in efforts to be polite, must keep up.

Alternatively, reply that I'd rather not talk about that is seen as offensive to many, or standoffish.

1. God knows best.

When people are grieving, some have many unanswered questions for their God. If people are not allowed to be broken before their God, who should they be broken to? Who should they seek difficult questions from? Our faith journey is different, and God allows us to grow at different paces. One cannot put on another person your level of faith, in the moment of grieve, God knowing best is not a comforting statement.

1. You will be fine.

This may be true, eventually but this is not the time to offer these words. Maybe they will be fine, maybe they won't. What is the definition of fine in this instance, and whose definition should be taken? At this time, a grieving person is not fine, they should be allowed to process the now. In saying they will be fine your words are dragging them out of the reality now into the future. Part of the intensity of pain, is how much we loved. By not being fine, we communicate with ourselves to express the value of the absence of our loved ones.

1. Be strong.

People should be allowed to mourn, feel broken, lose control, and allow their emotions to freely flow after losing someone. These outbursts are conduits of pain and emotional release, which is much needed. Do not encourage them to be poised or controlled, this might rather lead to dangerous medical conditions for them, because the body isn't designed to store harmful emotions or pain. Tears are a perfect example. There is no shame of tears, especially for men. Do not be the reason people bottle up their emotions to put up a public show, encourage grieving people to find a way to release their pain in public or privately.

1. God gives and has taken.

This is the second worse thing to say to a grieving person in my books. God can speak for himself; did he tell you to say those exact words on his behalf? How do you know that he took back? On what criteria? since you think you can speak for God, why don't you also tell us why he hasn't taken you or yours? Yes, you can tell my visceral reaction to this particular sentence. Most culprits are religious leaders especially during the burial service. The sentence might be true but is inappropriate and does not comfort the hearts of a grieving person.

What to say to someone grieving

In times of pain and grieve, the kindest words to offer to grieving people depending on your closeness/ relationship to them. While every heartache is unique to the person going through it, there are universal emotions many of us experience during times of grief and loss. Especially when those we care about are hurting, genuine empathy can guide our words and actions.

It’s also comforting to know there are people around who care. Phone calls can be difficult on a grieving person, and depending on relationship, send a thoughtful message instead, then ask if they can take a call from you.

Some words to express in person by phone or by text messaging.

1. Sorry for your loss/ Receive my deepest condolences.
2. How can I be of support to you at this difficult time?
3. If you ever need my help in this difficult time, do not hesitate to reach out.
4. May God see you through this difficult time.
5. You are in my prayers in this difficult time.
6. May the Holy Spirit comfort you in this difficult time.

Some actions to take, depending on your relationship with the grieving person.

1. Visit when possible or appropriate even better when invited.
2. Take the grieving person out for drive or for breakfast or lunch outside their grieving space.
3. Offer to help with tasks they will struggle to complete because of their loss.
4. Be present for someone who most likely feels very alone and doesn't want to be left alone.

Conclusion

Be sensitive and pay attention to the needs of grieving people in order to help survive their loss. Be kind!!!

Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, rumbling and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, other times its overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim and be brave.