Understanding empathy...

Who knew it would be so difficult to write an article on empathy? A leadership virtue that is a hard one to pin down; it sounds so magical when we hear someone say “So & so is such an empathic leader” but what does it really mean and how do you become one? I start this my 3rd article with slight trepidation. Trepidation in the sense it’s taken me a long time to understand what empathy is and isn’t. When my career comes to an end, I’d relish the following leadership epitaph: “there goes Chris, a truly empathic leader”. 

My obsession with mastering empathy stems from my childhood. Let me set the scene for you; it’s any other Sunday in the Russo household. My parents had that soulful mix of devout faith and a love of sufferance; every part of them role modelled the adage: “Life has suffering, suffering is necessary, count your blessings”. One way they would apply this was to make their children tag along to one of their “pay respects” Sunday tours. We were Italian Catholics in a cane farming town, full of other Italian Catholics with one uniquely common thread, the importance of death and mourning. As a kid, it all felt so very unnecessary; hours and hours spent visiting cousins to pay respects when a loved one passed. The playbook was understood by all; never arrive empty handed (a bag of fruit the going trade), sit with the widower (often the wife and always in black), reminisce, drink tea, and depart in the knowledge life for that person would never be the same again. Driving back our mother would chastise us for misbehaving during the visit, all the while praying her children could understand the importance of offering sympathy.  As time passed and the constant cycle of the visits amassed, I came to appreciate their significance.

Fast forward to corporate life and I backed myself in the empathy stakes. Quite naively I assumed sympathy and empathy were used interchangeably, their definitions seemed so nuanced that I readily accepted my tenure in sympathy gave me a fast track into the leadership habit of empathy. Oh, young child how terribly you were mistaken!

Some of my greatest leadership fails have been in the empathy arena. In attempting to develop my own emotional intelligence I would invest time listening to people’s concerns in the belief that by sharing the pain of the other person and being sympathetic to their situation I was displaying empathy. I would offer examples to them where something similar had happened to me; always concluding that life is hard for all of us so best we get on with it.

What I wasn’t doing enough was visualising the other person’s perspective, especially in situations where I hadn’t experienced that issue myself.  I was caring for them; I was sympathising with them, but I wasn’t entirely understanding them. With more leadership water under the bridge, I grew to understand the powerful difference between the two. The following definition (thanks Miriam dictionary) summarises it best for me:

The difference in meaning is usually explained with some variation of the following: Sympathy is when you share the feelings of another; Empathy is when you understand the feelings of another but do not necessarily share them.

We all live diverse lives, we all experience the world differently. The greatest joy of life comes when we share our stories, when we show empathy for others which in turn fosters greater levels of acceptance and understanding. In doing so we continue to nurture “physiological safety”. A place when our people can grow and develop their unique skills and talents, where they are free to express their point of view without negative consequences. This is how respect is formed and where accountability can flourish. Conditions like these can transform workplace culture, that elusive and nebulous term leaders bandy around far too superficially.

My empathy journey has grown the more I’ve put it into action, catching myself when I fall back into the sympathy trap. The empathy actions I practice are:

• Listening: bring my attention to others by being an active listener
• Shoe-shifting: put myself in someone else’s shoes, visualising the world from their perspective
• Giving myself empathy: turns out I do deserve my respect and attention

These three are where I centre my efforts, the 3rd often being the hardest to implement. Perhaps you can shape your own empathy actions by reflecting on these or noodling over some of my favourite empathy quotes.

1. One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient. Charles M. Blow

We crave for other people to see our perspective, to understand how we are feeling, yet how often do we fail to do the same for them? 

2. Empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself. Mohsin Hamid

Colin Hay’s chant “Living in the land down under”, gives us Aussies a unique empathy advantage. We live in a vibrant and diverse multi-cultural society, it’s our job to leverage this privilege not to attack it. On paper we should be able to understand and read other people’s feelings and behaviours more easily.  

3. No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Theodore Roosevelt

When people know we appreciate them, when they know we care, trust starts to grow. There is no place for the ‘know it all’, there is only room for those that want to help us become better.

Empathy is a critical leadership skill, and all of us can benefit from continuing to practice it as often as possible. Experience has shown me it sets leaders and organisations apart. My best wishes as you continue to practice yours.