Understanding the emotional power of distrust

Think for a moment of someone in your life that you distrust. It could be a current relationship or perhaps, a scar from the past that has not fully healed. How much time and energy have you spent worrying, venting, or fixating on this relationship? Most likely a lot.

To fully understand trust, it's critical to understand distrust. How it works and its power to take over relationships, teams and societal culture. In most cases, we run a mile from distrust. But by following this protective instinct, we miss what we can learn.

Avoiding the conversation

Even the idea of having a conversation with someone we distrust can induce anxiety. Do you recognise one of these avoidance reasons?

1.?Dread:?It will make things even worse and the other person will surely hold it against you.

2.?Apprehension:?Nothing will change, so what is the point of risking an uncomfortable conversation?

3.?Hope:?If you give it some time, the other person might just realise their issues and miraculously change.

4.?Concern:?A confrontation will only hurt the other person’s feelings. I can’t say?that!

All these reasons come down to?fear?in some shape or form.?Distrust is a fear that something you ‘value is not safe with this person in this situation’ (Charles Feltman).?You are sure this person or company will let you down; exploit you; take something valuable away from you, or even hurt you. In other words, you feel confident that something bad will happen.

That is why my?definition of distrust is:

When you're in a state of distrust, your brain is on a high threat alert.?You may become cynical about everything the other person says or paranoid that everything they do is intended to hurt you. Powerful emotions keep piling up on top of each other – frustration, suspicion, anxiety, surveillance, and ultimately, an urge to get even.

In each stage, our reactions are intense. It can feel like a downward spiral or a virus; we can even spread or catch distrust from others. Ultimately, your time is spent doing things to protect yourself because you don't feel safe. That’s why distrust can feel toxic.

Distrust tends to go through three behavioural stages: Defensiveness, disengagement, and disenchantment.

Our human instinct is to create distance from the person and the problem: 'Let me cut this person out of my life'. 'Let me get as far away from them as possible'.

There are many instances, however, when we have to work or live with people we distrust for certain things. For situations like these, it is incredibly helpful to develop the skills to have a conversation in a way that can lead to a healthier and in some cases, more trusting relationship.

The number one rule is to focus on?‘what they specifically do’?to make you feel distrustful, not?‘who they are’.

This requires practice because our tendency is to get flooded and default to demonising.

Here is a guide to having a constructive conversation with someone you distrust:

1.?Identify what is at stake: Ask yourself, what do I have to lose by continuing to distrust this person?

2.?Set common ground:?Open the conversation with your intent to want to fully trust this person and explain why this is important/necessary for both of you.

3.?Keep it specific: Focus one or two behaviours and/or situations that have harmed your trust. It is helpful to think of actions around four key traits – competence, reliability, empathy, and integrity. Try to use neutral language and narrow down the problem to get you out of feeling that you distrust absolutely?everything?about this person.

4.?Listen to the other side: Ask the other person to describe how they perceive the actions or situation. You will likely hear it as an excuse or defence. Try to listen without interrupting. Try to determine whether it’s a deliberate act of betrayal or whether this person is unintentionally hurting you.

5.?Find a way forward:?Explain what this person can do to earn your trust back. Give this some thought before the conversation but be entirely open to their suggestions of what they can do.

6.?Share the next steps:?Make a commitment together for the change to happen and set a check-in to see how the relationship improves.

Here is a way rethink distrust. Try to think of it not as an opposing force to flee from but a useful window to peer through. An opportunity to examine ourselves and our relationships and get to the heart of the very thing that makes you feel threatened.?The simple idea that you may be losing something by continuing to distrust can be a powerful incentive to either rebuild a relationship or decide to walk away for good.

A QUESTION FOR YOU: Have you repaired a relationship that was in a state of distrust? What did you do that others could learn from?

Dive deeper:?Charles Feltman has some fantastic role-modelling examples applying these steps in his book the?‘Thin Book of Trust.’??

Warmly,

Rachel

If you’d like to learn more about why trust matters, please check out my book?Who Can You Trust?