Understanding Emotional Abuse: Why So Many of Us Are Unknowing Victims—

I once had a friend, Tracy I’ll call her (not her real name), who seemed to be the perfect example of a human being needing protection from her own decisions. At the time, we couldn’t apprehend why she was drawn to toxic males and somehow seemed to condone abusive undertones. Despite every decent and well-meaning advice our youthful selves could offer, she always found her way back into the arms of the abusive boyfriend somehow. Gradually, the abusive undertones evolved into physical abuse unbeknownst to us, by which time many within our project group had given up on her altogether. We thought her indifferent and were drawn to conclude she wasn’t even keen on her studies. One evening, however, after she had texted me to say she needed help, I had to rally all of us to leave our textbooks and pens aside to run to her aid. Some of us would sustain injuries in the ordeal, and we had to call the police on the fellow.

This time she left him for good, rejoined the group and became the biggest contributor to many of our group assignments. Back then, we were so absorbed in celebrating her turnaround and her incredible hard work that none of us seemed to realize that this was coping behaviour, that she was overcompensating to seek acceptance when she didn’t need to. We would be forgiven too that none of us even had an understanding of what coping behaviour was. But time moves on, and moments become a memory. Soon, we all graduated and everyone went their separate ways.

I bring this up because many years later I would bump into Tracy again; and out of a long conversation catching up over coffee at Mug & Bean that rainy Monday evening I couldn’t help but pick out that however much she resented her boss, she was so fearful of the unknown that she couldn’t make the daring step to leave, however much she wanted to. This for a long time after the conversation bothered me, and I couldn’t comprehend why.

And so you know what I did? I linked up with another friend of mine, a Counselling Psychologist, just to try and make sense of Tracy’s issue. ?

“It is commendable you make this observation, Davis,” my friend the Psychologist said, settling down her wine glass.

“It is incredible how many people are experiencing or have experienced emotional abuse, and they don’t even realize it is abuse. The statistics will shock you. I have experienced emotional abuse, and you probably have experienced it too.”

I paused to reflect on such a time, then asked,

“But why do you think that is the case? Why is it that many people who are emotionally abused can’t see themselves as victims?”

“Well, no one can tell with certainty,” she replied. “Many of these cases have to be looked at individually because the contexts that make them possible are different. I’ll say though, that one of the reasons why many don’t see themselves as victims is precisely that. By the time the abuse comes full circle to be noted by other parties, the victims have learnt to cope so much so that they have convinced themselves they are the problem or part of the problem and not possibly the victims.”

She took another sip before she continued,

“And one thing you have to understand is that coping behaviour is conditioned behaviour; meaning that it's acquired often in childhood and developed over time. Behind it, there’s always a trigger, which is usually in the form of a fear envisioned and (or) enforced.”

She saw I was absorbed, and thus continued,

“Also another one of the reasons why it’s hard to recognize emotional abuse is because it usually doesn’t involve physical violence although instances of threats are always present. With the presence of threats, there’s the possibility that the situation will degenerate into one of actual physical violence. Emotional abuse is an abuser toying with a victim's mind to manipulate and control. Whatever form it takes, however, no one deserves to go through it. It is tragic when the victims become convinced it's their fault it is happening.”

I sighed at my friend's revelation and the big picture she had just painted.

Over our conversation, as I drew understanding I was able to paint a summary. ?I could see how every one of us is susceptible to emotional abuse, simply because we often don’t recognize it when it happens. Many times too, we seem to confine it to the domain of family and romantic relationships, whereas it can occur in all aspects of human interactions. It could be from colleagues and supervisors at work; and even shockingly, a junior employee to a senior employee, or sometimes students against their instructors. A teenage child could also engineer ways to manipulate a parent.

Of importance is identifying why an abuser will go to great lengths to find ingenious ways to ring in their victim. They will do so because they seek to manipulate and establish emotional control over their victims for their benefit. Some of the ways this is achieved include controlling and bullying, humiliating and shaming; and common in romantic relationships, emotional neglect and isolation.

In all the ways above, abusers “disarm their victims by the mirror effect,” which is to say they mirror their victim's fears to their advantage. A parent haunted by their failures in the past, for instance, may be so invested in not failing their children only for the children to become fully aware of this and take full advantage to manipulate the parents. A lover haunted by neglect and (or) rejection earlier on will always be drawn to put in more than necessary just to be accepted, and this is what an emotionally abusive partner will take advantage of, and so on.

Some of the signs of possible manipulation could be, but are not limited to the below:

Behaviour meant to control and bully —

Such behaviour includes, but is not limited to the following:

·?????? Guilt Tripping: Sometimes you may have genuinely forgotten a birthday, which you have apologized for, and it usually shouldn’t be a big deal. However, you’ll be constantly reminded of this until when they call in for a big favour. Usually, the big favour is one you’ll have to take a big risk that you normally wouldn’t take for yourself.

·?????? Use of threats: They may threaten to fire you or report you for being unfit or incompetent. Most of the time, they’ll keep things vague and leave you afraid.

·?????? Spying on your social media: They’ll have an anonymized account and follow you online. Some will demand you share your password, or in the spirit of transparency, insist you go password-free.

·?????? Monitoring your whereabouts: They will always want to know where you are, and whenever they call or text, the expectation is that you respond immediately. It's almost as if you can’t be in an important meeting, or have gone to the bathroom. Sometimes they’ll unexpectedly show up at your work, and have your colleague's number just as an additional check. When you say you’re not at the office, they’ll call your colleague to confirm.

·?????? Assuming Sole Decision Making: Sometimes this occurs in minor ways you shouldn’t ignore. They may tell you what to wear, or which friends they’re okay with you spending time with. They may begin by suggesting you don’t need a job and they’ll provide, and soon, they start insisting you quit the job to be there for the family.

·?????? They are unpredictable: ?They will explode for no clear reason, then suddenly shower you with affection. Sometimes you’re never sure what to expect.

·?????? Stonewalling and silent treatment: During a disagreement or conflict, they shut you out, refusing to respond to your efforts to establish communication.

Behaviour meant to humiliate and shame

·?????? Belittling you and your ability: This could be carried in statements like “You can try, but that is beyond you,” or “Ha, let’s see if you can manage that then.”

·?????? Calling you names, sometimes nicknames that are offensive: Here, they may deliberately call you “ignorant or stupid,” among other names. Sometimes, words that are meant to be loving or supportive of you are usually accompanied by undertones of your weakness, dark sides or things sensitive to you. Things said may sound like “My sweet, noisy wife” or “My useless friend.”

·?????? Pushing your buttons: Once they find something that annoys you or makes you uncomfortable, they will begin to mention it every chance they get, ignoring your requests that they stop.

·?????? Attacks on your character: Attacks on your character are accompanied by the word “always.” For instance, they will say “You always do this,” “You always don’t think of me,” “You’re always late,” among others. Sometimes this will be said when your friends and family are around.

·?????? Raising their voice: Although they’ll try to refrain from being violent, they’ll sometimes yell and curse at you and throw something at the wall in anger. This has the effect of intimidating you and making you feel small and unimportant.

·?????? Embarrassing you in public: Sometimes they’ll pick fights with you when everyone is there, or while appearing to share your most guarded secret, or appear to joke about your weakest moment when many of your friends or colleagues or family are there. Whenever you try to complain or set the record straight, they’ll always respond with “It was just a joke, can’t you take a joke?”

Behaviour aimed at Emotional Neglect and Isolation

·?????? Dehumanizing you: They’ll intentionally look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when speaking to you?to make you feel unimportant.

·?????? Withholding emotional support: Sometimes when you need emotional support or help with a problem, they may call you needy, or ask you to be tougher because almost everybody goes through the same.

·?????? Trying to come between you and your family.?They’ll tell family members you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend family functions. As soon as they’ve spoken to your family, they’ll turn to you and say your friends or family don’t care about you anymore.

·?????? Withholding love and affection: They just will not touch you, apparently intimate touch offends them, especially in public. On other occasions, they seem annoyed when you don’t touch them.

·?????? Turning others against you: They might tell your colleagues, friends, and even your family that you no longer have their back, and you're not to be relied on.

Although many a time we may fail to recognize when we’re being emotionally abused, at one point we become aware of the signs. When this happens, our default reaction will be to assume helplessness or panic, but there’s something that can be done.

Firstly, we need to learn to resist the idea that were are responsible for our abuse. No one deserves to be emotionally abused, so it isn’t your fault you found yourself in a scenario where you were. Understand that there was an abuser, and you were the unknowing victim. Secondly, you’ll need to prioritize yourself and choose to leave the abusive situation, even if it is a relationship you so much cherish. You have to decide for yourself first, which includes disengaging from the situation and person. If it has cost you emotionally, then you shouldn’t be even responding to their texts or phone calls. Cut all ties, if possible. Block their number and social media accounts, and ignore attempts to reach out or link up. This will help you to set boundaries and to say “it is over” with conviction.

Thirdly, you may want to build a supportive network of people you truly trust. At first, it is frightening to even open up to anyone, but doing so to a loved one you trust can be the first step to building this support network. ?

Understand also that it takes time to heal and to be made whole again. Be patient with yourself; you’ll make the plan for the Caribbean vacation again, and you’ll save up to buy that house again. You’ll swim with the dolphins again, and you’ll find true love again— because the good things in life take time. When inspiration calls you to start a new hobby or routine, do so. Cook, if you find it relaxing. Sing, if there’s a melody that calls you to sing. Walk that trail and hike that mountain if the fresh scent of Mother Earth inspires you too. They call it losing to find yourself again.?

But even as to find yourself again, I know you are kind-hearted but don’t try to fix the ones who abused you.?You may want to help, but it’s often difficult for abusive people to change their behaviour without professional help. You can encourage them to, but it’s a choice they have to make themselves.

I can’t tell if you’re in an emotionally abusive situation, but if you are, I pray you find the grace and courage to walk out of it just like my friend Tracy did. She is aware I am sharing her story with you because she asked me to, but I have had to leave out details of her story, however much she insisted I was at liberty to. She called me the other day to say how much progress she’s making in her new endeavours, and even though she’s still struggling with one or two, I’ll be always proud of her that she for once chose herself.

And maybe one day when she’s ready, she will share her story with you herself.

I hope you overcome.

Blessings!

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