Understanding Autism: Why I Cannot Take My Full Autistic Self to Work

Like many autistic people, I seldom take my whole self to work. I know employers love to claim that they value diversity and inclusion and that they want everyone to be themselves, but most of the time, this is just not true for autistic people in my experience.

Let me give you a hypothetical example, firmly routed in repeated experience. A meeting is called to discuss work plans for a task I am involved in. There are already more plans and documents that talk about how we will do the work rather than getting on with it than seems necessary, so I question the need for the meeting in advance, particularly as there is no agenda or clarity about its purpose. I am abruptly overruled, and the meeting goes ahead, with my attendance mandated and no further clarity about its purpose provided.

On the day of the meeting, I struggle to settle into any real work for at least an hour before the meeting as I know I will soon be interrupted, and my anxiety was builds.

The meeting arrives, and a lot of time is spent effectively reading out documents we all have read. I stick to my resolve to remain quiet, knowing that once I start talking, my comments will be unwelcome and likely get me into trouble.

I am then asked direct questions and forced to participate. I answer truthfully, again questioning the need for the meeting and giving my honest view on what is being discussed, which is very different from that of everybody else there, and seeking clarification on points others have raised.

My objections are quickly dismissed, my questions ignored altogether, and the meeting continues with everyone else agreeing that everything is marvellous and all I said being comprehensively ignored. The whole exercise feels like a total charade, solely designed to boost the egos of those making the decisions and to tick a few meaningless boxes.

The meeting ends, leaving me deeply upset that I have been ignored again and struggling to focus for the rest of the day.

This is a hypothetical example, but I go through this process, or elements of it, almost every week. I am forced to attend meetings that are pointless because it seems that neurotypicals cannot do anything without talking about it for many hours first. I am obliged to give my views, which I do. I am then wholly ignored because I have the wrong views, causing me deep hurt and disrupting my mindset for some time. Then to cap it all, it frequently turns out that what I said was right after all.

Expecting anyone to repeat this process continually is like insisting that someone continually stands there to be punched in the face without objecting or even reacting to the pain. I do not doubt that other autistic people experience this cycle of rejection and mistreatment in different guises regularly too.

Being the different voice is not welcome in most settings, especially not at work, for all the pretty words about inclusion. I dare not take anything like my whole self to work as it would be deeply damaging to my mental health and well-being.

But this insistence on groupthink helps nobody. The world needs new ideas and ways of thinking like never before. Look back at how the great breakthroughs were made in history. I do not see many coming from corporate straitjackets and insistence on conformity.

Of course, when my autistic brain sees things from a different angle and solves a thorny problem that is causing significant difficulty, then my differences are suddenly welcome. But I cannot and will not switch my autistic traits on and off to suit others. I am not a pick-and-mix, where you can take the parts you like and leave out the bits of me that you find challenging.

I do mask some of my autistic traits much of the time when I am at work, but this is for my protection rather than to suit others. I cannot deal with the constant onslaught of rejection and mistreatment that I get when I am my true self. However, this masking comes at a significant cost to my mental health.

Most of all, I wish the corporate would just stop the pretence. They do not want us to bring our full selves to work, nor do they want to embrace diversity and inclusion genuinely. They just want to appear to do so while carrying on exactly as they always have.

We cannot go on like this. Change will come, but the pain many of us experience in the meantime is real.

?If you want to learn more about how it feels to be autistic or how to support autistic family members, friends, and colleagues, please follow me to see all of my insights. If you would like my expert input to your project or organisation, leave me a comment or message me.