Understanding Attachment Styles 101

What are attachment styles and how do they develop?

Attachment styles are formed during infancy and are based upon the nature and consistency of the care received from the primary caregiver. No parent gets it right all of the time, even the best parents only get things right 50 to 70% of the time, but their children are likely to develop a secure attachment style.

But for those children whose parents are either inconsistent or overbearing for most of the time, the unconscious messages they are likely to receive are confusing. Only in very rare and extreme cases is this done deliberately, more often than not the behaviours are subconscious and based upon the parents own attachment style. But what the child themselves learns forms their perception of themselves and also of the reliability of other people, these children are said to have an insecure attachment style.

The basics of attachment styles or patterns all that people have either secure attachment style, or an insecure attachment style. These styles determine whether we are more fearful, anxious (insecure anxious attachments) or overly independent (insecure avoidant attachments) and also how we view relationships in terms of our levels of comfort with connection and intimacy.

How do early experiences shape attachment patterns?

Our earliest experiences in life shape our attachment type because we primarily concerned with the security we feel by being close to our primary caregiver. When children feel secure in the knowledge that the caregiver will be there at their time of distress or need then they feel confident to begin to explore and play independently. Secure children have parents who are confident and comfortable to talk about feelings and help the children work through how they feel so that they can identify and understand as well as learn how to process them.

In contrast if a child does not feel confident that their caregiver will be there for them at their time of need or distress, then they are more likely to feel anxious exploring and playing independently. Similarly, if a child isn't consistently attended to when they are distressed or they sense a parent’s discomfort with their level of distress then the child learns that emotions are potentially dangerous and so they learn to become self-sufficient and minimise their own feelings to maintain the proximity of others.

In what ways do attachment styles influence relationships throughout life?

It is said that the attachment style is formed in infancy, often developed prior to the age of crawling, but carries with us throughout our life and shapes all of our perceptions of relationships into adulthood.

Our default attachment style influences our relationships because of our perceptions and level of comfort with connection and intimacy and our perceptions of our self, in particular our self-worth. This is particularly important in romantic relationships but also affects our friendships and work relationships too.

Attachment styles also influence our own approach to parenting, in that becoming a parent can be both a positive experience but also one that can cause anxiety and stress. Similarly, as we age our attachment style influences our likeliness to seek care and medical assistance as well as our views on caring for our own parents in their later years.

For more information about attachment styles and how understanding your attachment style can help you please see our dedicated page to Attachment Styles.