The fear of abandonment can hit deep, much like a dog fearing other dogs after a bite. It's not just about the fear itself but how it unconsciously shapes our actions and relationships.
Let's break down the basics—fear, pain, and survival—to unravel the patterns that tie us to codependency and attachment issues and ultimately, unhealthy relationships.
- The Impact of Abandonment: Fear of abandonment isn't a fancy concept; it's a gut feeling born from real experiences. Imagine being close to someone and suddenly they leave, leaving you longing for connection. Mothers will natural cuddle their babies after they are born, but here's a genuine scenario where the baby is put into a home, and the mother having postpartum depression, wants to keep the baby but can't. She goes back every few weeks to visit the baby, and then leaves for a period of time. The emotional rollercoaster this child is now experiencing, is already shaping his behaviors. He is excited to see his mother, then she leaves and he is in an environment that isn't quiet homely, then he is on his own. Suddenly his face lights up again when he sees his mother. This child is now 2 years old and his mother finally decides to give him up for adoption, as she can't take care of him. There is a deep, excruciating pain as she leaves her child to have a better life. This child has now experienced pain, fear, abandonment at an unconscious level. He may not remember the adoption but the 'feeling' leaves a mark on our brains, in this case, the child grows up to be the adult in pain. And that 'pain' plays out in relationships as anxiety, fear of abandonment, a deep rooted belief that they will be alone and sometimes behaviors like anger and aggression, in order to 'push' their partner/ relationship away, because they don't deserve to be 'happy'. The challenge? Sometimes, this fear unconsciously guides our actions, making it tough to navigate relationships with intention.
- Dealing with Unconscious Pain: The struggle with fear of abandonment often traps us in automatic behaviors. Picture this: you've been hurt before, so you start avoiding any situation that might bring pain, even if it means keeping people at a distance or people pleasing. Alternatively, you act out in anger. There are many ways that abandonment issues can 'manifest' in adulthood. This focus blinds us to the reasons behind our actions, making it hard to understand how our past affects our present. The result? Adults facing attachment issues, stuck in a cycle of codependency.
- Survival Roots of Abandonment: Going deeper, we realize abandonment trauma isn't just a mind thing; it's built into our survival instincts. Think of a that baby depending on it’s parents or caregivers for everything. When those needs aren't met, a feeling of lack sticks with us, shaping how we relate to others as adults.
- Cracking the Codependency Cycle: Codependency and attachment trauma come from unmet needs in our early years—whether emotional, physical, or psychological. For instance, if you didn't get enough emotional support as a child, you might seek it excessively from others as an adult, leading to codependency. Healing from codependency means consciously breaking these old patterns. It's about understanding what we missed in our past and reshaping how we connect with others.
Recognizing the fear of abandonment is the first step to healing. Understanding that our reactions come from survival instincts helps us break free from automatic cycles.
By unwinding the mix of fear, pain, and survival, we move towards healthier, more mindful connections—freeing ourselves from the grip of attachment trauma and codependency.
It may be harder to deal with than an addiction. If you do not want to reinforce this pattern in your own children's lives, or if you're a codependent trying to break through these patterns that have been keeping you stuck for so long, or you have high anxiety or anger issues
, book a free discovery session in the link in my bio.
