Understand The Martyr Complex (then knock it off!)

Are you guilty of taking on too much, complaining about it, and then continuing to take even more on? If so, you’re not—a lot of us do this. If you want to break free from this vicious cycle of martyrdom, here are some tips to help.

Defining the Martyr Complex: If you know the term “people pleaser”, then you’re familiar with the martyr complex. By definition, it’s a person who will sacrifice his or her own needs to serve others, however it’s the instance of “I and only I can do this” that makes them feel like a victim to the demands of others. They always complain about it, even if the solution is readily available. 

Traits of a martyr: Complaining and big signs are the “call of the wild” for a martyr. This is the person who says yes to everything then complains that they have to do everything—but because they did it for you, you owe them.  This complex thinking is twisted because they suffer by choice. That need to be needed (i.e. “I’m the only one that can fix it”) is the source of fulfillment. Instead of breaking the pattern or trying something new, they continue to complain to achieve recognition and approval.

Complaining vs. Bragging: We’re all allowed to vent about our workloads. Bragging is talking about things that have no benefit to the conversation. The complaining happens when you start whining about things that whining won’t resolve. The next time you get fired up to call a friend and pull them into “the complain drain”, ask yourself three filter questions: is it true? Is it kind? No? Then button it.

Changing your Martyr ways: Before you can express your thoughts, wants, and feelings to others you need to know them for yourself. During quiet moments, like in the shower or while you’re driving, reflect on what’s working and what’s not and how you allow that to happen. Stop the blame game. 

Other things you can do: Stop volunteering to do everything. Start with what you want to do first. Trim the list and delegate the rest. Express your intention or availability (i.e. “I need to focus on project ABC right now.”). Trust others with a task. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to over-apologize or explain yourself. If you aren’t available, people will look elsewhere to get the job done. 

FULL SEGMENT: https://www.thesocial.ca/wellness/health/why-you-need-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser