Under the Influence: My 'No Inputs' Experiment

This is a piece I wrote towards the end of my career break.??

While I was writing it, the Internet went out.? Sign?? Um, yes, I think so.

. . .

A few weeks ago I went to a movie with my son.? Several times during the (barely two hour) show I found myself reaching to check my phone.? I had the opportunity that afternoon to get lost in a magical cartoon wonderland, munch some popcorn, and enjoy an insanely comfortable reclining seat.? Yet I found myself instead uncomfortably shifting around, unable to focus.??

I flashed back to a similar feeling from many years ago during my first maternity leave when I reached for my work phone at a red light, attempting to fill this mini-void in my time with some Blackberry stimulation.? [You can read more about that here: bit.ly/4di3Bmk].? How disappointed I felt to have come almost full circle back to this moment now, nearly 15 years later.

Have I learned nothing?!!!???

One of the benefits of being away from work is that there is less distraction; more space.? But protecting this space is still challenging!? Maybe moreso.? Before, there were externally imposed parameters to keep my butterfly mind from indulging its every curiosity.? If I was in a meeting or working on an important project it was easier to refrain from googling every random quip that popped into my brain.? Today I am free to scroll deep into rabbit holes almost any time I please.??

Technology is an always-available companion.? I have a lot of free time.? These two things together, I am learning, can be a tricky combination to manage.???

On top, as I think is typical when navigating transitions, I craved input.? [And boy can the Internet provide a lot of that!]? Entering midlife, leaving my career, trying out a sabbatical - these were all big changes.? On some level, I think I was looking for guidance.??

Or, maybe said differently, I was not yet ready to be my own guide.??

Years ago I overheard someone describe working professionals in large corporations as “insecure overachievers.”? As much as I hated to admit it, the shoe suddenly did seem to fit.? As I stepped out on my own I realized - for the first time in a long time - I was in the driver's seat of my own life.? It was both exhilarating and uncomfortable.? I had left the title behind, but the little insecure overachiever in me was still in there.? I was, perhaps subconsciously, looking for someone to tell me what to do next.? Or at least point me in the “right” direction.??

To add fuel to the fire, I have a naturally curious disposition.? Ideas excite me.? I enjoy gathering information.? I love to think and ponder.??

So over the last couple years, I found myself consuming a lot of content.? Books, podcasts, videos - you get the idea.??

While typically I think of traits like curiosity, knowledge seeking, and openness to try new things as positive, I also appreciate that even good qualities have their limits.? I can be overly curious.? My innate desire to improve and change things can be to a fault.? There is such a thing as being too open to new ideas.?

In fact, I am beginning to reluctantly accept another very irritating truth:? I am easily influenced.??

After a few episodes of Off the Grid I am nearly convinced that I should give it all up for a plot of forest land, solar panels, and a chicken coup.? Then I binge a season of Million Dollar Listing and wonder if what I really need is a Chanel bag and a job with perks like gold crusted steak dinners.? When I read Sarah Wilson’s “I Quit Sugar” I threw away all the ketchup in our house.? After watching Forks over Knives I was over steak and all-in on grilled cauliflower.

Alas, I am not above the influence.??

Why this is a surprise to me I am not sure.? I worked in marketing for most of my professional career.? Of course I should understand that the messages that surround us have an impact on our behavior. ? It would be naive to think that the information I expose myself to isn’t shaping my thoughts and feelings to a degree. I guess I wanted to believe I was above all that.? Don’t we all?? That illustrious illusion of autonomy.? But indeed our environment shapes us? [I learned a lot about that while living in Sweden, you can read more about that here:? bit.ly/4d0c51c ] and therefore what we allow into our environment matters.???

A long time ago I attended a church sermon that discussed the dangers of becoming overly consumed by material possessions. ? An older man appeared for a few minutes on video and discussed his happy, but materially simplistic, life. ? The part of the service that stuck with me was his answer to the question, “How do you avoid consuming more?”? I remember how he threw his head back, laughed, and said with a twinkle in his eye, “Oh, I turned the dealer off about 30 years ago.”? By dealer he meant television.? He stopped watching the shows and commercials that make most of us crave bigger and better stuff.? Without the dealer he became free of the “stuff” addiction. ? He shaped his own environment.? The consequence of his choice was that he reduced his impulses to buy things that he really didn’t need.??

I am not particularly concerned about shopping or having too much stuff. ? I am more maximalist than minimalist in that regard!? Unlike the old man, my drug of choice is not related to material consumption.? My drug is information.?

And, over the past couple years, I had developed quite the podcast habit.??????

In today’s world, information bombards us.? It is available everywhere and unlimited in its supply.? [rant here:? bit.ly/3WMS1tK].? The problem with a lot of the information I was consuming was that it was mostly based on OPOs: Other People's Opinions.? The more space I filled with OPOs, the less room there was for my own.? Yes I could react to others' ideas and filter them through my values and beliefs, but I started to wonder if taking in all this content was undermining my ability to think for myself.??

I realized that if I really wanted to find out more about my own natural desires and tendencies, just like the old man, I would need to cut off my dealer.??

This combination of my decreasing attention span coupled with my increasing consumption of OPOs had me fed up enough to make a change.? In a moment of frustration I switched my phone to black and white, deleted the most tempting apps, swore off podcasts and books for a little while, and aligned myself to some new self imposed technology boundaries.??

I hoped that by turning down the external inputs I could better tune into my own mind and intuition.??

I had also noticed how much worse I felt after spending too much time on my phone (and how many more times per day I picked it up compared to when I was working!).? Like most of us, I find myself pretty powerless against the algorithm.? When I reach for that seductive little metal rectangle, time evaporates.? By the time I put it down I feel almost like I am buzzing.? It’s a sensation similar to how I feel after too many cups of coffee.? Scattered.? Almost sick to my stomach.? I knew less input would also mean less time on my phone.? I hoped that this might also have some benefits.??

So what happened???

It’s been a few months since I did this experiment.? This feels like a good time to reflect on what I learned during this period of “no input.”? Here are my top [10] insights.???

[Yes, looks like I am back to round numbers.]

. . .

1. Attention span is very malleable (phew).? Just as quickly as I felt I had destroyed my attention span by picking up my phone one zillion times per day, it came right back.? Just a few days was really all it took.? Regaining the ability to get lost in a long movie or book is a joy I am so happy to have rediscovered.? I guess attention span is like a muscle. It responds well to training, but also atrophies quickly without consistent discipline.????
2. Am I bored?? Lonely?? Sometimes having content playing in the background feels to me like company.? It can eliminate boredom and even create feelings of connection or (para-social) relationship.? Without this distraction I came to the feeling of boredom more often and a lot faster than previously.? While this was uncomfortable at first - just like I tell my kids - it actually is good to be bored.? I solved my boredom an impressive 100% of the time.? I always found something interesting to do with my time and it was always more fulfilling than scrolling or listening to OPOs.? It also gave me space to contemplate some bigger questions [discussed here: bit.ly/3Ohmeft].? The catalyst of “no input” and a few moments of uncomfortable boredom helped nudge me there.?
3. Guardrails were more effective than discipline.? Setting self-imposed limits for my phone use did not work.? I am defenseless against its power.? It wasn’t until I actually changed the phone environment (deleted apps, went to black & white) that I actually changed my behavior. ? [There is that Swedish lesson again! bit.ly/4d0c51c].? Even still I found myself picking up my phone way too often and I struggled to find a long term solution for that.? While turning it to black and white did not keep me from picking it up, it absolutely limited scrolling.? For some reason scrolling a phone is not nearly as appealing without color.? The phone in grayscale feels more like a tool for answering questions or completing a task, rather than a portal for entertainment.? Also once the phone was in my hand the lack of apps made it difficult to spend much time using it.??
4. Multi-tasking is truly horrible. ?I guess I always knew this (or at least to an extent), but it has become more and more obvious to me over the past few years.? I had a big ah-ha moment after leaving work as I started to multi-task less and do a lot more “one thing at a time.” [You can read more about “ah has” from the first year of my career break here:? bit.ly/4f584KM].? Yet over my sabbatical I still found that when I did something “mindless” like cooking, tidying or walking, I would sometimes also consume content in the background.? Often when I watched TV it was with my phone in hand, scrolling during commercials or whenever I got bored.? Even though I was multitasking less I still wasn’t giving many things my full and undivided attention.? Finally doing so felt incredible.? I wasn’t organizing drawers AND watching a Youtube video or cooking AND listening to a podcast.? I realize now the gift I rob myself of when I multi-task or choose distraction over attention.? It is the (amazing) gift of focus.??

P.s. I heard a friend describe anything worth doing as being worth doing simply for “the vibes,” [rather than for the efficiency].? He encouraged everyone to say goodbye to the days when we run on a treadmill while checking email and listening to music and hello to the days when we simply run outside untethered - just to experience the vibes.? On top of “vibes,”? I found the sense of calm that focus brings forth in me to be its own, very lucrative, reward.?

5. Did time just slow down?.? Doing anything “offline” seems to slow down time for me. The other day I stared out the window just watching birds for what felt like 35 minutes, but was probably 6.? Try going through a whole day without any technology.? It’s crazy how long the day feels (in a good way). ? It is not often I get through an entire day like this but even short experiences remind me how recharging it is to unplug, even if just for a few minutes. ? Now, from time to time, I will even drive my car without music.? The silence can actually be pretty awesome.??

6. Rediscovering the magic of books, movies, and Mother Nature.? When compared to my original dopamine-crack phone, all other forms of entertainment felt a bit flat.? But compared to my boring-black-and-white-no-fun-apps-phone, all the other options garnered a new luster.? Movies are in color!??

7. More focused thoughts. ?Beyond just a better ability to focus in general, I also found the type and number of thoughts I had over this period to be more limited.? Less variety, more focus.? Before, when I was spending more time taking in OPOs, I was (almost by default) forced to consider these ideas and how they might or might not apply to my life.? When I narrowed the input funnel, I found myself exploring the questions and topics that I was genuinely most interested in, rather than all the many things an algorithm might think I could be curious about.? As I turned down the noise I started to hear more of my own music.???

8. Bye bye buzz.? Not allowing myself to scroll on my phone completely cured the buzzy sick feeling.? I learned I can spend hours typing on a computer or watching TV and these types of technology do not create the same icky feelings in me.? It seems that scrolling specifically is my kryptonite - and I see more clearly now this is a behavior I really need to watch.??

9. Following my heart. ?One of my most paralyzing qualities is over-thinking.? When I am worried about something, especially something important, I will research the pants off it!? [proof here:? bit.ly/3WVDURM and here bit.ly/3WMS1tK]. ? When my kids were little I secretly wished I could take them to a cabin in 1962 where I would be free of the million parenting books, blogs, and products that promised to help me figure it all out.? I felt a guiding intuition that I could probably manage just fine.? When consuming a lot of OPOs, it is more tempting to follow the others' advice.? While sometimes this is the best course of action, I have found more often than not, I am better off long term when I follow my own heart.? Less exposure to OPOs made this easier as my voice was, by default, the loudest.?

10. No input or different input?? After a few weeks completely “dark” on OPOs I found myself craving input again.? But when I went back to some of my old favorites, they just didn’t hit like they used to.? I came to realize that I wasn’t only craving no input, I was also craving new input.? I was changing.? Outgrowing what used to fit.? Just like all of us evolve our tastes and preferences with time - from what we like to wear to how we style our hair - I guess my “input” needs were changing too.? [More discussion on how people [I] find myself changing here? bit.ly/3Lpd5zX and here bit.ly/3Y1Lhcw.]

. . .

Looking back now, I see the period that I spent voraciously consuming content and gathering input a bit differently.? It wasn’t all bad.? I needed this time to process ideas - those of my own and others.??

It is part of the process of transitions.??

A few years ago I found myself at new starting lines - approaching midlife, entering a career break - I needed time to work through it all.? Consuming and sorting information was simply part of my journey.??

Today I feel myself nearing the end of this transitional period, ready for the next phase.? It wasn’t until I reached this point that I could feel when enough was enough.? I suddenly knew I had taken in all I cared to know, for now.? I felt the natural pull to shift from information consumption to action.? After all, what is the point of information unless you actually DO something with it??

Within this shift, I could sense the time had come to leave the insecure overachiever behind and take control of my own ship.? I realized that not only is no one going to show up (in my real life or in my feed!) and magically create a new life for me - but even if they did they wouldn’t know exactly what I wanted anyways!? That, of course, is an inside job.??

It makes sense now, looking backward, that I became fed up with input at the exact same time that I felt ready to produce new output.? To begin the writing of my own next chapter.