The Uncut Version of Me

In the spirit of transparency, therapy, and accountability, I share with you a few things that I have come realize about myself in the last 48 hours.

First, I am addicted to busy. I think this started during my first marriage; I thought that if the house was always clean, the laundry always folded, dinner always ready, kids schedules managed to the letter, that all would be perfect. That I would earn whatever feeling it was I was searching for (still working that part out), because I would have proven that I could manage a household, work full time and go to school. Super woman syndrome, right?

The truth is I did all that (am still doing that) but ended up unhappy and divorced anyway. Now, there is obviously more to it than that, but what I realized is that I was focused on all the wrong things. Having a perfect exterior (think perfectly toned, perfectly put together all the time, perfect house, car, kids, career, you name it) doesn't equate to a happy, content interior. And what the hell does all that matter for anyway if you aren't content and happy and enjoying all that you have?

My second realization is that I am already "there." A year or so before I turned 30, I remember thinking to myself "my thirties are going to be great!" I just knew that I was going to meet, fall in love with and marry the man who was perfect for me; that I was going to move forward in my career and finally get to do what I had always wanted to do; and that things were going to balance out and I would be on cruise control. I married my best friend and perfect (for me) other half in June of 2013 and I began working for a phenomenal company doing what I love in February of 2016. But because I am a busy junkie, I added finishing my Bachelor's Degree and earning my CVPM to the mix, just to see if I could do it all. And, not to anyone's surprise, I could and did. And yet...I am still searching. I have accomplished so much in the first four years of my thirties and rather than sit back and enjoy it all, my mind is searching for the next project or achievement to occupy my brain.

My third realization is that I am too stubborn for my own good and that I insist, often to my detriment, on doing things the hard way. Combine these tendencies with my addiction to busy and you get screwed up values and priorities. Sure no one was surprised that I managed to get finish a degree and study for a certification while working and mothering and being a wife, but they did probably wonder what suffered as a result. And to the credit of close friends and family, many have tried to point out that I need to slow down and enjoy time with my kids and husband more. But until I put it all together for myself those suggestions fell on deaf ears. I "had" to accomplish more, had to prove more.

Lastly, I have been vying for a seat at the wrong table. I have spent a lot of my life working hard to please others and be liked by everyone. While I haven't figured out where that comes from, I do know that it doesn't pay off. I go above and beyond for people I don't even know, because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I hate to see people hurt or need. When others do not do the same for me, or care (my perception) about me as much as I care about them, I get my feelings hurt. The reality is that people don't care about how I kill myself to accommodate others. They will take and ask because they know I will say yes and do what I can and are perhaps smart enough to prioritize their time and energy to what really matters most to them. I take for granted what matters most to me and focus on the wrong things. Instead of trying to sit at the big kid table where I will feel valued and important to people who don't matter most in my life, I should take my place at my family's table and savor those moments. I should slow down and schedule time with friends that feel good to be around.

So where does all this leave me? I am going to be 35 in one week and I am turning over a new leaf this year. I am getting my values and priorities straight. I am going to learn to say no; I am going to schedule time for myself daily to exercise, meditate, read, write, stare into space; and I am going to cultivate and cherish those relationships and people that are nearest and dearest to my heart.

I know this will take practice and patient and grace with myself as I am undoing a lifetime of perfectionist tendencies, but I also know that I can do anything I put my mind to and the peace and contentment that follows will be totally worth it!