Unconscious Behavior
A friend confessed to me that she feels “fated” never to find a sincere and true romantic love. She states that she’s experienced a lifelong pattern of falling for men who are emotionally unavailable and who, after a short while, seem to be searching for a mother figure who will help them manage their lives instead of a partner to experience the joys and sorrows of life with. Despite being very successful at her career and a valued friend, she has “rotten luck with men.” I am reminded of an insight of the brilliant Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung: “When an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside, as fate.” Jung might say that my friend is unconsciously drawn to men who have never grown past adolescence emotionally and who appear to have high nurturing needs. At some point in the relationship, she become tired of trying to “fix” them, and they feel smothered by her attempts at controlling them. In reality, my friend would benefit from doing some inner work, reflecting on her frustrations in quiet meditation and gaining insight and awareness of her role in all of these dramas. Jung said that when we look outside we dream; when we look inside we awaken.
Meditation, quiet reflection on our inner lives, is not only beneficial to focus on positive thoughts that promote inner calm, it helps us recognize repeated patterns of behavior where we have played a central role. We can drop our comfortable illusions of bad luck or fate and look honestly at our own motivations, some of which we may not be in a hurry to recognize or acknowledge. We may realize we have some inner energies that may be completely opposite to the outer attitude we try to present to the world each day. It’s important to turn our devices off, turn off the thinking that tries to blame or shame, or defend, and look at ourselves without judging. We are not searching for times we have been “right” and times we’ve been “wrong.” We are lovingly and compassionately looking for unskilled, unconscious patterns which lead to unhappiness and frustration.