Unconditional Love Requires Risk

What is this love I talk about all the time? 

One of my big challenges in life is that I’m a people pleaser. There are times when all I'm concerned about is how I can make sure that you like or need me. Ultimately, so you don't abandon me. That, however, is not love. That is a selfish love that has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with me. I am motivated by my desire to please and fulfilled by my ability to elicit a certain "feel good" response from a friend, neighbor, coworker, or even, stranger. 

So, then, what actually is an expression of true/unconditional love? I have shared this story before, but I think it highlights the point I am trying to make. It was an experience that allowed me to realize my flawed perception of love, and to this day, informs the ways in which I now show my love. 

Many years ago, before we grew Transcend to the community it is today, my dear friend and business partner, Christian De Oliveira, and I were standing in front of one of our first locations. I turned to him and said, "Think of all the lives we are saving. Think of all the lives we will save". Christian looked at me and said, "What did you just say?! We don’t save lives, we give people the opportunity to save their own lives". In that moment, he shook me into a perspective of honest, true, and selfless love. Christian's candor and ability to express our vision for what it was, a place of true/unconditional love & accountability, inspired me to create our founding principle of helping people, help themselves. 

What Christian did for me was true, practical love. The kind of love that can change individual lives, and our collective communities, in a truly meaningful way. Often times, we seek personal validation when we give our love. If I can "save" someone, or get them to feel good for awhile when I do x, y, and z, then I did my job and I can feel good, too, right? Perhaps, but that's not the true, unconditional love that we have built our programs on or the love that I, and those around me, deserve. A true friend, Christian was willing to risk me not liking him in order to make sure I saw the truth. Rather than go the easy route and appease me, he cared more about me, our friendship, and the community we were building to help others.  

There is a Canadian psychologist by the name of Jordan Peterson who teaches parents that true love is creating boundaries. Often times, parents today are afraid that their children won’t like them or that they won't feel loved if they are too harsh or say "no" too often. While their intention is rooted in love, the result of this sort of loose or no boundaries relationship actually has a detrimental effect. 

I really like how Peterson directly attributes boundaries to love. When we give our children, and really anyone we care about, a clear set of boundaries, we are expressing a high degree of care and love for that person. Because you are important to me and because I believe in your integrity and worth as a human, I am going to exercise boundaries between us. Moreover, we are teaching them about the importance of accountability and expectations. We are preparing them for the real world by giving them the tools to hear "no" and still be OK. Properly preparing our children and setting & enforcing healthy boundaries is the loving thing to do. 

So, love, where we feel good all the time, is a fantasy and is not truly unconditional love. Unconditional love in which we are held accountable, in which we are encouraged to learn and grow, is not always "feel good" love. But, it is true, practical love. Unconditional love is when I allow you, and myself, to be honest about feelings, expectations, and boundaries with kindness and respect. Love is when I’m prepared to have you not like me or not speak to me when I choose to share an uncomfortable or unfamiliar truth. Because I wish to practice true unconditional love though, I will take that risk. 

This week, let's practice kindness and honesty with our friends, family, neighbors, and strangers. Let’s be honest and loving, no matter what the cost. 

Accountability, Community, Unconditional Love.

-Asher Gottesman, CEO & Founder of Transcend Recovery Community