Uncharted Moments and Unexpected Guides

Trauma can absolutely change the course of one's life, this I know for a fact, as I am a survivor, and the end of a cycle of abuse.

Despite my many years of personal work, and growth, I have still found myself in a place that kept me in a position of personal struggle. Somehow, as I was doing the work, I thought my physical world would change.

I expected my experience and habits with money to change, as well as, my quality of life.

I eventually learned how to keep money, how to spend money, how to grow money, and then, eventually, I had a big ah ha moment with money, as I came to understand money's role and purpose in my business. It was a process that took time, years, and required a lot of grace, compassion, and kindness with myself, as it was not a straight line.

Truly, it was an up and down period of time, as I worked through the process of learned about, and understanding money, as well as, my experience of money, my respect for money, and most importantly, my relationship with money.

Yet, with all my progress, I still had core issues that continued to persist.

What you resist will persist!

A little over two years ago, I found myself in a declining mental, emotional, and physical state, a place that was not familiar. I was failing, I could not grind like I once did, I wanted to sleep, and my once bright light was quickly fading.

It was not the me I once knew. No matter the struggle, I was always a survivor, I was always a fighter, and now, neither one seemed to be true. Something inside of me had given up or simply wouldn't activate. 

That is when I reached out to my wife, and shared with her...

"Something is wrong with me; I need to see a doctor!"

This of course, for my wife, was both welcomed, and very surprising, although she was careful not to share her surprise. Yet, she knew if I was asking to see a doctor, that it had to be important.

As a result, some amazing things happened...

- Today I have a doctor who will spend time with me, a doctor who genuinely cares about me, and my well being, a doctor who has taught me a great deal more about myself.

- My doctor referred me to an LPC who was equally kind, thoughtful, and extremely insightful. She has absolutely opened my eyes to my lived trauma.

Layers, so many layers, some barely noticed, while others demanded that I take notice.

My point, even with all the great changes, I found myself, for the first time, face-to-face with suicide, and considering how to best follow through. Quickly checking of my list of possibilities, until I found a solution I felt would work, a solution I could execute, without failure.

In that very moment, I was brought back to my children. The experience that had just triggered me, even while I was in my chaotic state, and somehow I was able to recognize the aftermath, and how it was not an outcome I wanted for anyone else to live.

It was, at that point, that I chose to reach out to my LPC and we talked.

Still, that didn't take me out of my indescribable state of being. Which is where my wife comes in...

While at work, she could feel something was horribly wrong. Yet, she could not figure out what. At some point I came to her mind, and in that moment she realized she needed to come home, something wasn't right with me...which she did.

It didn't take my wife long to speak the unspoken concern, with her concerning inquiry. I realized, with her question, it was time to face it, and to do so openly. As difficult as it was, as surreal as it was, if I was going to work through this, this was going to be the first of many steps taken, so I shared.

Remember the layers, and how some of them demand that I take notice, that is exactly where I have been, since that time.

In my experience, I have found that there is no one teacher, and no one solution, for every aspect of life. I also learned, through my life journey, healing is a process that will continue as long as I am breathing.

So much of who I am today is a direct result of my lived experience, and in great part why I advocate for self-care, and question trivial memes, even when they appear to well intended.

Here I am today, still breathing, healthy, and working to redefine my life direction, while working to step into a new way of living. I am now working to live with purpose, and intention.

Which has led me to my next teacher, my next advocate, friend, and someone I know understands much of my resistance, and my need to hold on to an unrelenting, and cruel self-judgment.

That person is Shari Lueck!

Shari has held my pain and internal cruelty with ease, and care, offering me a place that is safe, while shining a light on the truth that I have allowed myself to hide from me.

I have found such moments with Shari to be amazingly easy, revealing, and provoking. Shari can see, and hear what isn't being shared, and at times, she will share as if she was a magician pulling a rabbit from hat what I have not shared.

So, today I continue to move forward, and with great hope.

I started this post with...

"Trauma can absolutely change the course of one's life."

While I'm not at a place where I can be thankful for my lived experience, I am absolutely thankful for Shari and all that she has shared, and offered me. It is because of her that I'm moving forward, in a different direction, a place that didn't seem to have a light at the end of the tunnel.

This is a big a thank you moment for Shari!