The Uncertainty You Project = The Reluctance You Feel

I’ve discovered another thing you’re doing wrong. And that’s why I exist ... to tell you everything you’re doing wrong!

I’m kidding, of course … what I’m really here to do is to tell you the things I’m doing wrong, because there’s a good chance it dogs you too.

Today's advisory: “The uncertainty you project equals the reluctance you feel.”

An esteemed colleague recently told me, “I notice you don’t smile often,” and my first inner reaction was a spiritual eye-roll. I’ve been hearing it all my life.

I wasn’t born that way. I learned it. When I was a baby and a young child, I grinned all the time.

It's true of all babies and little kids, or at least the ones that are raised by decent parents. Both my sons, now in middle school, used to smile more than they do now.

I suppose I never stopped to unpack the observation, no matter how many times people deigned to offer their thoughts. It wasn’t like people flocked around me when I did smile, so what difference did it make if I didn’t?

As time went by, I simply became comfortable with how I felt on the inside. So what if I was intense, stoic and difficult to read? At the very least, it was genuine.

In my military days, soldiers would admit to feeling intimidated by me. It was odd, because the military doesn't exactly teem with guys who fear conflict. I didn't understand that they felt uncomfortable, as opposed to afraid.

For a long season, that stroked my ego a little. If everyone else was unsure how to interpret my verbal and nonverbal language, I assumed it gave me an advantage. I never thought I was shooting myself in the foot.

But this is true: the uncertainty we project equals the reluctance we feel. When this astute colleague made his remarks, he added something that brought context.

He said, “If you tell me something, I have no way to interpret it - other than face value. And when I don’t know what to think about what you say or how you say it … I’m confused.”

It took me a nanosecond to connect that statement to something I’ve learned from my friend, Dennis Volpe - “Uncertainty is the antithesis of clarity.”

People move away from uncertainty ... toward clarity.

Should I have been surprised, then, that people constantly moved away from me during sales calls, or that I walked into them apprehensively, expecting them to collapse?

Would you be surprised, if similar things happened to you?

I used to think it was sufficient to be quiet, calm, unfazed and unflappable. I am the son of an Englishman, after all. "What-ho, old chap? Stiff upper lip!"

Okay, fair enough … I'm not an exploder. That’s “hygiene,” as my friend David Littlejohn likes to say. The basics. It doesn’t mean I won’t cause confusion by remaining emotionless, like Spock.

(Come to think of it, a friend in high school used to call me “Spock.” Which would be fine, if Vulcans really existed. But they don’t.)

The reality is that on the inside, I’m much more like Captain Kirk or Dr. McCoy. My bland composure and feigned indifference make me less human, and “difficult to read” for others.

Fictional, in other words. A man wearing a mask that he thinks will protect him ... but which only makes him more of a target than he already was.

I might be bursting with joy, or about to fly into a rage. Maybe I just don’t care, or maybe I want to weep. No one really knows except me, and God.

If my outer stoicism caused confusion and reluctance in others, you'd think the fix is simple. “Just smile more often.” Many people told me that.

But I had to break some legal agreements. I was resolved to not smile, laugh or react in any way that exposed me to criticism or opposition.

You see, in my early teens people began to critique my lack of “hipness.” At the time, I thought this meant "how I dressed, the music I listened to and the friends I hung out with."

Those are definitely ingredients that go into a recipe for personality. But they're not the sum and substance of energy. It was my energy that really bothered people.

I began to dress and act in the styles and mannerisms that got the most attention. But all it did was accelerate people's mockery and disdain. (Sigh. High school never ends.)

In my early twenties, I reversed gears completely. I said to myself, “I am a ‘square.’ I look like, talk like and act like I belong among a bunch of businessmen in coats and ties. So that’s who I’m going to be.”

To a certain extent, it's true. That is who I am. But I also vowed that life is a game of strategy, like chess or poker. The sooner you tip your hand, the sooner you expose your tell. My new objective, then, was to operate via stealth and camouflage.

This approach works in situations like combat and law enforcement. I’m no police officer, but I did serve in the military. I became really good at "sneaking up" on people, despite my 6'2" frame and extroverted nature.

I offended far fewer people with this approach ... but I didn't make much impact on them either.

Sooner or later, I had to undo the executive orders and sanctions I'd placed on myself, about how I would (and would not) behave in any given situation.

My challenge this week is to ask, “Are there scenarios, or perhaps even daily routines, where my behavior or demeanor COULD cause uncertainty or ambiguity?

"As an entrepreneur … is that what I want?"

Would it be better if the people I know (and love) never had to wonder for ONE SECOND how I feel about them?

How would you handle this? What are you not willing to change about yourself ... if it could in fact lead to greater joy, prosperity, satisfaction and legacy in your life?

Send me an email on this, I’m interested to hear. The address is [email protected].